Hoarding

[HeadAboveWater]

I recently posted about my critically ill FiL. This post is related. While a far less urgent issue, thinking through problem solving is part of how I distract myself from things that are making me frustrated, angry, and sad.

My husband and I have been avoiding his parents' house for years. If we visit them there, it results in hours of talking, which is often upsetting. Part of defending our boundary has been meeting them out at restaurants or other relatives' homes.

Because my FiL recently fell ill, we have traveled to be with my in-laws and are seeing the house for the first time in a while. I have long suspected that my MiL has hoarding tendencies, and it has been confirmed in this recent visit. In my judgement, it's level 2 on a scale of 1-5. The primary living spaces are mostly just cluttered and dusty, but the garage and basement are full and stinky. The dishwasher has been broken and used for storage for over two decades. While all of the children are over 40 now, my MiL has kept all of their drawings, old clothing, and the belongings in their bedrooms. The neighbors have complained about the state of my in-laws' yard for quite some time now, and are now resorting to installing board fences to block the view. My in-laws have always responded to this with defensiveness, denial, and explanations for their habits. My approach so far has been to ignore it. This isn't my house, and I can't reason someone into giving up possessions she has no rational need to acquire or keep in the first place. My MiL's mother hoarded in much the same way, so I suspect there is quite a bit of habit and anxiety that has led to the present conditions.

It is now obvious that the house has fallen into poor repair. There is a rotted cabinet in the kitchen, structural cracks in the walls, paint bubbled up from moisture, closet pests, and pet waste in the garage. I believe that my in-laws have the financial resources to deal with these problems, but they have chosen not to. My MiL is living in the home with one of her adult children who has a developmental disability but is high functioning enough to hold a job, if not live independently. My FiL is critically ill in the hospital, and death or disability will likely prevent him from returning home.

Do I continue to ignore the problems? Do I offer to help with arranging for repairs and tidying and then accept it if my offers are rejected? Do I have a moral responsibility to my husband's sibling who lives in this house? To the extent that the house is a financial asset, I do not have any expectations around inheritance. I think all of the siblings are comfortable if it is sold as-is to a developer after my MiL and FiL are gone. It is just so hard to see; the environment is contributing to feelings of overwhelm.

[Poison Ivy]

My short answer is no, you have no moral responsibility to your husband's sibling or to his parents. Your husband might or might not have a moral responsibility. It is up to him whether to do anything about it.

[bloomie]

HeadAboveWater - yikes! This is really hard to see and to think of your in laws and the sibling living like this.

The question that came to me to ask in response to your post is... what does your H and any other siblings say or want to do about this if anything? Has someone asked you to take responsibility for arranging repairs and tidying this neglected home? Are you in laws mentally competent to make decisions and ask for help?

[1footouttadefog]

I think they if you know they are without food, heat, running water or such you might get involved or have Protective services give a visit, otherwise this is a lifestyle choice of the three adults involved. 

If you don't need the inheritance even better yet, and more incentive to let these adults have their house. 

[HeadAboveWater]

1foot, I think I'm inclined to agree with you.

Thanks, Bloomie, for your empathy and validation.

FiL and MiL are mid-70s. Legally and medically, they are competent—no dementia. Financially, they are fine—spending less than their required 401(k) minimum distributions. MiL is very, very waify. I sometimes wonder about her competence and independence because things like refilling a bird feeder, taking an at-home Covid test, or calling 311 have all flummoxed her this past month.

My husband and his brother are very upset about the house. While their father is ill and they are spending more time with their mother in the family home, the clutter feels overwhelming and stressful to be around. My husband is worried that there are signs of structural issues and plumbing leaks. If not dealt with promptly, he fears that the house will become unsafe for habitation. He also fears that his parents will call upon him or his brother to manage any necessary repairs. Finally, my husband also worries that he will have to clean the house out upon the occasion of his parents' disability or death. I've mentioned that none of this needs to be his responsibility, but he worries about his brother getting "stuck" with the work of caretaking. Of course, I've mentioned that would also be someone else's choice, and not a choice that either of us can control.

I don't know how my disabled sister-in-law, who lives in the house, feels. While she is able to care for herself and work independently, she probably does not have enough knowledge or understanding about home maintenance to have good perspective on the situation. Generally speaking, she tends to take her views and opinions from whatever her parents say or model.

My current attitude is that nothing about the house is my problem. If my husband asks me to help clean it out, my suggestion is going to be to hire organizational help and/or junk removal. I also accept that, to the extent my husband may inherit anything, his parents' lack of care for their home and yard has devalued the house as an asset. Neither one of us expects or wants anything from the estate.

The only thing that gives me pause is the thought of any health and safety issues that could arise for the three family members who live in the house. It feels like my enabling FiL just gave up on maintaining anything between 10 and 20 years ago. My MiL is making things worse with her hoarding, but she and my SiL seem to lack the problem-solving capacity to manage things like calling a handyman or a plumber and making sure to clean up anything that impedes access for tradesmen.

[DaisyGirl77]

The title caught my eye.  I have people in my life who have hoarding disorder & it's something that needs to be carefully handled by you, if you choose.

Firstly, you need to decide if you're willing to get into the trenches & do the dirty, physical work of cleaning the hoard.  If not, it'd behoove you to get a few quotes from local companies to see how much they'd charge to clean their hoard.  I'll warn you that it'll most likely be a 5 figure sum.  (I've seen quotes for $10,000 & $25,000 depending on the size of the hoard.)  I'd also check out where you can take scrap metal items, or if someone local collects scrap metal & can take those things off your hands for you.

If that's not affordable, you might be able to find someone local to you who runs a YouTube cleaning channel & specializes in hoarding cleanup.  (I follow a couple pages like this on YouTube, which is why I mention it.)

If that's out of the question, then you're either faced with selling the house as is with all the contents untouched, or cleaning the house & making the repairs before selling it.

If you choose to do the cleaning yourself, what is your hard line to toss?  Mine is if it's got mold or mildew, animal waste, sat too long in water or suspicious-looking fluids, or if it's broken.  Gone in the trash.  Anything else (minus clearly sentimental, valuable, or important items) is negotiable:  If they insist on keeping this bowl when they've got 20 others exactly like it, then something else has to go in its place.

If your hard rule is that they're not allowed to be there for the cleanup, then you need to be comfortable with the fact that they will never, ever forgive you for throwing away a spoon or this shirt they held onto for 40 years & was covered in cat poop.  Are you okay with that knowledge that they'll be trashing you for this & all sorts of other things until they die?  That you'll never be able to change strangers' perception of you because of it?  Are you okay with forever being the villain in their story so they can feel better about themselves?

All the above is moot if this is what you choose to do once they're taking their forever dirt nap, but it's worth thinking about this now.  This is a time investment of a couple weeks at minimum, if you're planning to sort through all the piles to verify no money was hidden, no valuable/essential paperwork/photos/jewelry/etc. are tucked away in books, magazines, boxes, pockets, hatboxes, drawers & cabinets, behind & inside containers & toilet tanks, etc.  Are you willing to sort items that are in donation condition or are you just going to toss everything (maybe because your location is rural or doesn't offer recycling/donation services)?  How much time will that add to your plan?  Then you'll spend a lot more time tearing up flooring & repairing holes, scrubbing walls, sinks, counters, toilets, floors, ceilings...everything, top to bottom, & running ozone machines for hours while you're gone to cut down on the smell.

Not to mention the personal costs you'll suffer doing this.  The costs of gas, wear & tear on your car, cleaning supplies, garbage bags (the black contractor kind), gloves, PPE (hazmat suit & mask if it's bad enough to need this), damage to your clothing, repeated loads of laundry using hot water wash & high heat dryer settings, cleaning your car & your shoes (do you leave them outside or risk bringing them in with whatever gunk they picked up at their house?), the costs of several dumpsters, the physical, emotional, & mental exhaustion/overwhelm you experience doing this kind of work...

It's not easy.  It's going to be filthy, angry, emotional work, & you'll be bitter towards them for a long, long time after you're done, if this is the path you choose to walk.

______________

Alternatively, you do nothing.  You let everything fall apart organically & you/someone else makes the call to Adult Protective Services.  Then you're under a time crunch because the city/APS will have a timeline for repairs/cleaning before they can return to their home.  Is this the kind of pressure & stress you'd rather be under?

None of these questions can be answered by us, but it behooves you to have these in-depth discussions with your husband & other family members (the ones you can trust) before the tipping point happens & action must be taken.

[Poison Ivy]