NC help

[Doglover95]

Hi,

I'm considering going No Contact with my mum.

For reference I'm 31, mum was emotionally abusive to me as a kid/still is as an adult.

I've slowly limited my contact with her recently (since January). I now feel that going no contact would be the best option but I'm not sure how to go about it.

I know I'm not supposed to make this decision when reacting to emotional things, (hence why I'm doing this post)
 
Trigger warning just in case.

So for reference since January I have been getting flashbacks in relation to stuff I wasn't aware off. One of this was something that happened to me as a kid.

I reported this to the police who took my account and said they wanted to speak to my mum as I said I had told her the day after.

I asked to speak to her first so they let me, so I told her I had gone to the police. I gave her basic information and then left with my partner.

Well in that month she's reached out once, to ask if I'm going to her birthday at the end of this month.

I got a phone call from the police on Monday, to say that they had spoken to mum who told them what she remembers, she told them yes I did tell her the day after (she remembered this after I left the house after telling her the police wanted to speak to her) and she also told the police that the person I reported had disclosed to her that morning what had happened.

Well this is a massive kick in the teeth for me and hasn't helped in my recovery from these flashbacks about the incident.

My mum also told the police that she's tried to reach out to me but doesn't want to upset me. She has my partners phone number she's not reached out to him to ask if I'm okay or if she should call, I told my godmother that I told my mum something and that I was giving her time to process (I know they are in regular contact with each other).

I know people can't tell me to go NC or not, I know I have to make that decision for myself, I'm new to all of this and to be honest I think I want advice on how to go NC and the best ways to go about it.

Anyway thanks if you got his far

[moglow]

Wait a minute - she KNEW? She knew it happened at the time, had confirmation and never said or did anything in all this time?? and even now she's not come to you to at least offer comfort? Oh honey no, that's so wrong.

You don't have to do or explain anything to her, you know that right? You can take your time, keep your peace and do all your own dealing with this, without her. Because you have been all along. You CAN, and never say another word about it to her if you don't want to. Don't think for one minute you owe her apology or explanation, because you don't. Don't take on any guilt or upset she may be feeling - that's not your stuff. You have to take care of yourself, and clearly she's not capable.

For what it's worth I'm having some rather strong response to this myself, and I don't even know y'all. I don't know that I'd be able to talk to her even if she tried. But ... She should have reached out to you. Even if she had no possible explanation, as a mother she owed you that much. Silence? No ma'am.

[Doglover95]

Yeah I didn't find out she knew until this week.

This whole journey hasn't been easy, I was detained by police last month after deciding I didn't want to be here because of everything.

Like I know what she did was wrong, it makes her more than a narcissist it makes her a horrible person.

This caused so many problems for me, I went on to have more stuff happen to me, that I'm still dealing with (flashbacks are horrible).


Part of me is terrified to go NC cos she's the only parent I have left, I know I could ruin her life by telling my family what happened but I'm not like that, they have their own opinion on her.


I've talked it over with my partner for what it's worth he's standing behind me in my decision. I think if I go NC I need to do it my way and what's best for me

[moglow]

In the best way I know and with all the compassion and gentleness I have in me: please understand that what happened to you was not about *you*, the precious soul that you are. You didn't deserve it and I pray you'll be able to work through that to the very bright end of what has to be a dark tunnel. 

What others do and the choices they make are, and will always be, theirs. Her inability (or refusal) to do so is not yours, and you don't have to carry that for her. Don't allow that to win. 

Fwiw, Some 30 years ago I confronted mine with memories of childhood abuse. She got angry, quick. The audacity of me naming it was too much for her - I'll never unhear her saying "it HAPPENED! So WHAT?!" with all the contempt at her command. No remorse, no apology. In her mind I deserved it and that's all that mattered. And foolishly, I kept trying to have a relaxing some sort with her because she's my mother. All while she continued the exact same verbal and emotional abused as before - she just couldn't hit me anymore. Now there's nothing left, and my only regret is that I tried for way too long. I should have walked away decades ago. 

I'm not saying that's right for you. What I am saying is, they show us who they are. It behooves us to pay attention and respond accordingly. Not react - respond. Think it through and decide what you want and what you're capable of. Don't depend on her.

Wishing you much peace and healing.

[Rebel13]

Hi Doglover,

I would like to second everything moglow has said, and express my sorrow and sympathy for all you have endured.

Regarding the specifics of NC, it is really, truly up to you. You get to do what you want. There are no rules and no "right" or "wrong" ways to go about it.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a big all-or-nothing decision. At first, I told myself, "I'm just not going to contact my mom for right now. And see how it goes." You could choose to respond to some communications and not others, based on the content or medium. (Maybe email is OK with you but phone isn't. Or maybe you're OK with hearing how she's doing but you don't want to share things about your life. For example.)

A few things to consider:

The personality type you are dealing with. Some disordered people are kind of abandoners/ignorers, and some are intrusive pesterers. If you have an intrusive pesterer, more action might be needed to secure your peace from them, such as blocking them on social media, your phone, etc.

My mom is an abandoner/ignorer, so I was pretty sure when I decided not to contact her that I wouldn't hear much from her. And I haven't, in more than 3 years now. She might send me a card or text with meaningless sentiment on a special occasion. Pretty easy to ignore. I usually ask my partner to read them and tell me if there's anything important. There never is.

Sometimes people feel it's important for them to state the no-contact intention and explain the reasons why. For example, walking on broken glass shared her thoughts and decision-making process here and here, with thoughtful responses from other forum members.

Sometimes people feel that sharing their decision, thoughts and feelings with the no-contactee won't make a difference -- maybe they have tried in the past and gotten bad results or been ignored. Or maybe they know the person doesn't deal well with such topics. Or maybe they are just tired and ready to be finished with the struggle for the relationship.

It's really up to you, what you know about the relationship, what you can realistically hope for, and what *YOU* want. Maybe take some time to sit somewhere calm and safe and comfortable and put your hand on your heart or your belly and ask yourself what you want to do, what you expect, what you hope for. And then think about what might happen as a result of you taking those actions, and what the likelihood is of your expectations and hopes coming true. Also, talking it over with someone you trust is always helpful!

Whatever you do, take really good care of you and be kind to you as best you can.

Wishing you peace!

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Doglover,
I am so sorry for what happened to you and for what you are going through now.
Moglow and Rebel have given you wonderful advice.
I know it is difficult because we are not used to doing it, but think of yourself here, without reference to your mother or anyone else. Maybe limiting/filtering contact with your mum will help you decide what you want without her noise and interference. You don't need to do something big right now if it doesn't feel right. But you have already done something to protect yourself and stand up for yourself and, once you have done this once, you will keep doing it and showing up for yourself. Take care and keep writing to us here.

[Tribe16]

Regarding the specifics of NC, it is really, truly up to you. You get to do what you want. There are no rules and no "right" or "wrong" ways to go about it.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a big all-or-nothing decision. At first, I told myself, "I'm just not going to contact my mom for right now. And see how it goes." You could choose to respond to some communications and not others, based on the content or medium. (Maybe email is OK with you but phone isn't. Or maybe you're OK with hearing how she's doing but you don't want to share things about your life. For example.)

A few things to consider:

The personality type you are dealing with. Some disordered people are kind of abandoners/ignorers, and some are intrusive pesterers. If you have an intrusive pesterer, more action might be needed to secure your peace from them, such as blocking them on social media, your phone, etc.

❤️love intrusive pesterers vs abandoners/ignorers. They really do seem to be one or the other, don't they?

Doglover - do what feels right to you. I am no contact for 7 months but really coming up on two years from mom. After being advised "don't write her a note" i did anyway, because I needed to have integrity within myself as to why I was distancing myself and felt i ought to tell her. I was looking for very low contact. She did not like my boundary and opted for no contact. She's an abandoner/ignorer.

After sending a couple birthday cards and small gifts at Christmas, i decided this year I would stop reaching out since there was no response from her. I am sad that it got to this point, but there is definitely peace in acceptance of what is.

Whatever feels right, safe, and comfortable for YOU, do that thing. Wishing you peace as you deliberate your options. You have them, and there is no deadline or pressure on how or when to implement. Best wishes.