square embraces inner ostrich

[square]

Just an update on my situation though nothing/not much has happened.

Have spent a couple of months away from home and recently returned. I feel like the main bond has broken. For both of us. I still care about him but I do not feel the connection anymore.

I'm not sure if it's his experience of the marriage or his mental illness or a combination, but he just is not present in any way. It seems like schizophrenia to me, and he's lost in his own world. After two months apart, he has barely spent ten minutes with me, and only then because I engaged him.

He had mentioned he planned to apologize to his mother and jump through the hoops to restore contact. I know it's none of my business and he can make his own choices, but it was really, really, really hard for me to just let it go. We've been through this before.

Months ago, she behaved terribly, I'm absolutely aghast at her behavior. H told her he was done and marched me and our kid out. Now he will fall on the sword and apologize to Queen MIL. Queen MIL will turn the thumbscrews and ensure the apology is nothing short of a complete and abject confession of all his wrongs to her. Then she will reward him by forcing him to call and visit her, where he absolutely literally prefers unanesthestized dental work.

I should not have any feelings about this, so I'm working to let it go. I spoke to him briefly about it but I'm afraid my input felt to him like just one more woman telling him what to do. But I just struggle with this. I'm considering just going NC myself, though that will definitely change the narrative a lot to the idea that all this fuss was actually my scheming.

Back to the main topic, I was both excited and scared when I got on the waiting list for housing (about a year wait, they said). I was nervous that my spot would open up super early; I wasn't ready. Now I'm ready. I want to get that letter. Oh, I'll be terrified when I do, but I'm ready to be terrified and do it anyway. I surely have a long time yet to wait.

My innate personality would be planning. Especially the budget. Did you know I have no idea how I'll afford to live? Oh, I have the tools to look at this. I'm a spreadsheet master. I used to budget so well. It's why we have savings despite very low income.

But, nope, I haven't crunched the numbers at all. Not even done back of the napkin stuff. I'm telling you, I'm at high risk for literally not being able to break even, even on rice and beans. But I'm just going to deal with it later. After I move. Ostrich-style.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Square,

The situation at home sounds terrible. I hope you get the letter soon and then find peace amongst the financial risk-adventure of it all.

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Oh, I am also a member of the ostrich club. I have to deal with the financial aspects of divorce and my h, who filed , is cagey to outright dishonest. I have decided to stand up to him, even though every letter from his lawyer triggers a freeze response for a few days. I don't know how I will get through this and if it is worth all the fear and sadness, but I am willing to try.

You are so brave! This is a wonderful update and I keep my fingers crossed that you get a lucky break. You certainly deserve it.

[square]

Hi Square,

The situation at home sounds terrible. I hope you get the letter soon and then find peace amongst the financial risk-adventure of it all.

SoT

SoT, it's funny, here I thought the situation sounded calm. I am aware that I have no idea how normal or abnormal oranything else my situation is.

I do in fact see the future as an adventure, and am not losing any sleep over thefinances. I think the bottom line is that we already are taking $1k per month out of savingsto make ends meet, so there is no financial safety here. I look forward to being able to control the budget, as opposed to the current situation of paying for beer, vapes, and so on out of savings.

Thanks for replying.

Oh, I am also a member of the ostrich club. I have to deal with the financial aspects of divorce and my h, who filed , is cagey to outright dishonest. I have decided to stand up to him, even though every letter from his lawyer triggers a freeze response for a few days. I don't know how I will get through this and if it is worth all the fear and sadness, but I am willing to try.

You are so brave! This is a wonderful update and I keep my fingers crossed that you get a lucky break. You certainly deserve it.

I'm sorry to hear of the stress. I guess the ostrich method is useful when you just don't have control, so you may as well not clutter your mind up. I guess it doesn't really go away, just gets buried, but it allows us to get on with it somehow.

Best of luck to you.

[square]

Dear friends,

I want out.
I want out.
I want out.
I want out.
I want out.

Thank you for listening.

[Poison Ivy]

I am reading. I hope you can get out.

[escapingman]

Dear friends,

I want out.
I want out.
I want out.
I want out.
I want out.

Thank you for listening.

We are here supporting you getting out!

[SonofThunder]

You have been heard Square and I joined your "I Want Out" fan club. We're cheering you on!

SoT

[square]

Thank you, friends.

[Aeon]

Three cheers for "I want out".

Hip, hip, hooray, I want out, hooray!

[square]

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

When we practice MC, it's not really something you can do only when things go sideways. You live in the shell. That way, when things blow, you're already there. It doesn't really work to come out, be vulnerable, and then go running back in when you get hurt. It's too late.

With ostriching, it's similar in a way. It's a way of life. For me, I struggle with ostriching this problem and that one but worrying about this other one.

I continue to "own" and solve all problems I consider in my domain, that involve myself and/or my child alone. But if it involves H at all, I struggle. If he is involved at all, the problem is magnified enormously. I'll either have to fully carry his dead weight on the issue or push through him as an obstacle. If I can just solve a thing without him at all, I do it, but if he is in the mix, I stick my head in the sand.

It looks like serenity, this ostrich thing.

It's not.

It's all just going down the well. Plop, another problem dumped down there. All sunk down there, invisible but not gone. Hopefully not poisoning the water but who knows.

I have learned that solving problems involving my H to be so onerous that I have ignored major issues. One of them did blow up and was expensive, but ultimately not too big of a deal.

Last week, one blew up that was a big, big, big deal. I cannot overstate how big a deal it was.

I'm kind of scared about what other problems might be lurking that I have ignored. I'm not even sure if I have the mental capacity to mull this question over to any helpful extent.

I've buried my head in the sand. I'm known to people as the problem solver, but I've packed up my problem solving machine and put it six feet under and I don't know if I have the strength to dig it out while I'm still in this situation.

My plan was to bide my time to get to the top of the housing waiting list, but who knows how long that will take and how much it will cost me, financially and emotionally and physically and everything else.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. Posting this kind of uncovers something, puts it out there, that I need to wake up.

I need the courage to change things that I can.

[notrightinthehead]

It sounds to me that he can still cause you great harm and because you wrote it was expensive, I assume it was financially irresponsible behavior that affects you.
I agree with you, that's not a good idea to do the ostrich about it. Is there any way you can get legal help and separate financially without him knowing? Because you still live together, you don't want to experience the backlash if he finds out.

Since anything to do with him is heavy, it requires a lot of effort and is met with resistance, it's no wonder you are demotivated and exhausted before you begin.

I keep my fingers crossed that it soon happens for you and you can move and leave the dead weight behind.

[bloomie]

Square - reading through and catching up with where you are at. Sending strength and another Out of the FOG friend hoping your housing comes through soon. I don't know how anyone, problem solver or not, can continue like this without respite. Maybe it is less burying of your head and more simple exhaustion and laying down? Either way, we are here with you!!

[square]

Thank you for the support.

The other night, after writing my last post, I made myself think about the stuff I've been avoiding.

It was ugly.

I was not able to think clearly, because it was kind of a Pandora's box, everything flying around and it was just too much. I couldn't make sense of it all or prioritize things. And I had a hard time with the emotions.

So what I did was to shut it again. But I don't have to make sense of it all. There's a huge problem. Maybe I can't describe it neatly but obviously there's alarms going off.

I can't wait for this housing to come up 8 months from now or whatever it will be.

I really don't want to move twice and it's all going to be hard but I have to get going.

Tomorrow I am going to see if I can get somewhere else sooner.

Moving out is a huge risk. I am headed to poverty. Yet staying is a bigger risk.

There was a big meme years and years ago with an illustration of a dog character in a room on fire, and the dog is saying "this is fine." That's me.

I'm scared, guys, but I'm out of time. The ship is going down. I don't know if there's a lifeboat but I'd better jump ship and start swimming, or the ship is just going to suck me down with it.

[square]

I reached out to the housing folks today but I think the office is closed due to US holiday.

Just updating to keep pushing myself forward.

[escapingman]

Good luck square, we are all cheering for you!

[SeaBreeze]

Hang in there, you have made it this far! I had a few false starts on leaving. Finally set an official date, only to have that "sink or swim" moment that prompted my exit a month sooner than planned. It was scary, and I have less money on my own than I did married to stbx. But everything has worked out.

[SonofThunder]

Good luck square, we are all cheering for you!

+1

SoT

[winterstorm]

Hi Square,
 Feeling a lot of empathy for you around the tipping point you are describing. I feel like I have been there and it is a tough place. Hang in there as you ride the waves of figuring out what to do next. I have been reading your posts and have been convinced that you are strong and smart, and full of compassion. A path will open.

[square]

Thank you so much EM, SeaBreeze, SoT, and winterstorm.

Just updating to keep myself moving, which is hard for me.

Got a pretty hard blowoff from the housing authority. Honestly confused, but I'm having too much difficulty doing the research with the last of my ability to read.

I contacted a women's center to see if they could point me in a direction. Fingers crossed they can help somehow. Not sure if I have to meet a particular metric to qualify for their help, I hope I don't have to go down that road at all.