Confusing behavior from SIL

[bloomie]

Danie - What a stressful, unpleasant experience this is for you and how destructive your bil's behaviors toward you are. My heart goes out to you.

I feel like this is too much. Inside I'm feeling broken and I told my husband this could really break me. I've had other traumas to overcome and being treated like this is overwhelmingly painful and confusing. I can just not go and wait it out, but I worry so much BIL will rip us off again and who knows if I can trust H? He talks out of both sides of his mouth.

For many years I didn't listen to this exact message my heart, soul, body was giving me in my own challenges with in laws and gobsmacking financial entitlement. I am sitting here on the other side of the screen shouting in a loving way, that your health and well being is what matters most. Protect yourself!

I am struggling with some troublesome health issues due to the years of stressful, disrespectful, invalidating, cruel behaviors toward me and my own H's enmeshment, waffling, and failure to advocate and stand in the gap for me. I entreat you to step back and figure out what YOU need to be at peace.

When you figure that out... you act on it. And you better believe we are here with you as you do!

[Danie]

Just like I suspected BIL and SIL are not cooperating and making it very difficult for us to get out of this cabin sharing situation with them. I have cleared most of my personal stuff out and even consulted an appraiser. We told BIL we want to sell it and would like to figure out a price and have him pay us our half if he wants to keep it himself for him and his family (wife and 3 kids). He made it clear to my H he doesn't want to sell it. He talked H out of selling it. H wants to try again (I'm not). BIL said he can only go 1X this year for the 4th of July while the other 7 families in the HOA go. BIL doesn't even think about if there is any maintenance to be done - he just assumes and manipulates H (who falls for it) to do what needs to be done.

Here's the more even crazier part of this. They've made it very clear they DO NOT CARE FOR ME and that there's to be no communication between me and SIL. Any communication will be through BIL. H questioned him on this and said it's not possible or comfortable to function this way. SIL has made many, many rude comments to me over the years, which I tolerated, and when I finally spoke up she didn't care for it. She has forgotten or is unaware of her own behavior and believes I am a terrible mouthy person when she started the whole contentious relationship.

BIL said, "you wouldn't even be a part of this if it wasn't for us". It's true they asked us 17 years ago, but my H is from the same small town where this group originated from. A couple of the families have turned over and are from different areas now. We've more than paid our share. We've split everything 50/50 even when they have a family of 5 and it's just us 2. I'm so glad my husband for once spoke up to him and said "you wouldn't have it if you wouldn't have used us for your equity and loan security".

You can see where BIL are coming from and what their long-range plan is. Narcissists and selfish manipulators. Unfortunately now the problem is between H and I. We argue about it a lot which is ridiculous. H is super codependent on BIL.

[Danie]

My husband is getting seriously manipulated by his baby brother (bro is 50). Baby bro is at said cabin this weekend putting in docks for the summer. As usual, he is texting H about how to do things even after 17 years. It upset me because of the way BIL is and that I want to detach from him, but he won't respect my boundary. H asked him to "not" text and to wait until later in the week to contact him. As usual BIL kept texting with issues. My H determined there's a blockage in the water line to the shower (over text) causing low water pressure. BIL responded with, "sorry I have to go, and I won't be back up here for awhile". The truth is he will be back on the 4th of July for his big drunken bash and H knows that so now H will run up there and fix it!!
There's nothing I can do to persuade H to put it back on his brother.
I'm understanding the relational problem a little better now after weekend discussion (not that I care anymore), but BIL wants more guy time with H, his brother. I think that's ok if he can be up front about it and make it work. The problem is that his way of making this happen is to be rude to me and try and make me go away. He won't talk to me and when I try to communicate he won't even look at me. I think he has issues with his wife as well. Why BIL wouldn't want to spend all his time with his 3 kids, especially at a cabin, is confusing to me. In the other 7 families the guys do all the cabin maintenance, organizing, drinking and boating. The women do...well I'm not sure, maybe cooking. So the women are second class citizens and BIL wants me to act accordingly.
Is this a cult? The men and women have specific roles and the men do all the fun stuff. The women take care of the children. There seems to be punishment if anyone steps out of line and it's not easy to get out of. After BIL did a number on H yesterday he suggested I only go twice a year (he'll go more) and he said "you don't like fishing anyway". Not true. It's a sick group of folks with a lot of unresolved issues and a lot of alcoholism.
Back in January one of the cabin owners fell in his apartment after getting super intoxicated at a Superbowl party. His head hit an object while the rest of his body torqued toward the floor. He bruised his spine in his neck. He laid on the floor for 8 hours and is basically a quadraplegic, but has regained some use of his hands. He is in a nursing home and they use a lift to move him around. This was their fearless leader. Now his cabin, equipment and mess is all just sitting there never to be used by him again. It's an unbelievable tragedy, but I am not getting involved because he brought it on himself and better him than killing an innocent person crossing the street. It's terrible and I feel for him, but I just hear rationalizations from all around.
I'm planning my life and vacations away from all this, maybe by myself. I'm pretty sure I'll get screwed out of my money.

[bloomie]

Danie - I can feel the frustration and angst in your updates. I am so sad that this is still so dysfunctional and unresolved between your H and his brother and bringing so much division and pain into your marriage.

The entire atmosphere as described sounds toxic!

There's nothing I can do to persuade H to put it back on his brother.

As hard as this pill is to swallow, your words are wise and true. 

It seems pretty clear this place is seen as only your bil's and H's despite your personal financial and caretaking investment in a place you once loved.

I'm planning my life and vacations away from all this, maybe by myself.

There comes a time when we have to step away to protect our peace and cut our losses. I'm so sorry!

[Danie]

Thanks Cordelia. I consider myself opted out. H pretends nothing is different    A way for him to get me to cave in. That's also emotionally abusive for him to disregard my feelings like that. We made an arrangement where he goes and I don't. I'm already planning other things for myself.

It's scaring me because emotionally I get some really scary feelings. I've had other bad times in my life and was hospitalized as a child from my mom's abuse so I know when I'm getting near bottom.

I'm trying to label my feelings and then find an antidote. Fear of being alone: I'll find things to do. Fear of loss: there's always new things on the horizon. Fear of being isolated: I like myself and will find my balance.

I need to stay strong and not go. It's weird. I really don't care if he does (I kind of want him gone). His manipulative behavior is really uncomfortable to me. Acting sad, saying flattering things to me, making deals (negotiating) that I know he won't keep. Eventually getting mad and criticizing me and guilting me. Tries everything in the book. But when I visualize the atmosphere there and feeling kind of trapped, It's enough to stay home.