Please don't leave me I hate you

[square]

As I've mentioned recently, I can only take so mych, and I think I have pretty good self control. So leaving periodically makes good sense.

I'm thinking for SG, you and she should discuss a plan for what to do when she feels backed into a corner by GC.

For example, is she comfortable walking out of the house? And are you ok with that? Is there a nearby park or something she can go to? I realize she's not that old but the stakes are very high, and it's better for her to have a habit of escape than violence when necessary.

The thing is, you can tell her not to be violent but at a certain point she is out of choices to make it stop. Try to give her another one, one that isn't just enduring it further.

They share a room, right? If they don't, maybe you can get her a lock and defend her right to use it. I know it would be hell but it's better than having her manipulated into violence and the consequences of that. 

I dunno, but think of something she can do.

[escapingman]

I am out from tomorrow, I am not sure how to manage to get SG out. I have had enough, I really can't do any more.

GC stood screaming at me I am a Motherf*cker while STBX was dancing the Monkey Dance behind my back.

[square]

No words.

[Poison Ivy]

What is the "Monkey Dance"? Mocking you, laughing, both?

[hhaw]

I wish your T would report stbx, EM.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Sending strength and clarity for you (and your daughters), EM.

[escapingman]

What is the "Monkey Dance"? Mocking you, laughing, both?

Jumping up and down behind my back waving her arms and sounding like a monkey.

I spend yesterday evening trying to coach SG what she can do if she is being treated badly. She is old enough to leave the house and get around in the close neighbourhood on her own. She has a match we planned for how she can get there if STBX refuse to take her. I feel awful leaving her behind but I need to get my thoughts together and plan for next week.

Thanks for all your support.

[escapingman]

Have been away all weekend, seen some friends and actually really enjoyed and given STBX a single thought. Should I feel bad for completely "forgetting" everything or us this part of the healing? I dread to go back as I feel so good being away. Scary thing is how fast I forgotten how bad things are.

[square]

It's coping, not healing.

You'll get to start healing when this is over. For now, you cope.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting a very painful situation out of your mind while getting a reprieve.

[escapingman]

Thanks Square,  that makes sense. I started to feel guilty for having a good time when I am not sure I should. But it's necessary to just switch off and do something completely different.

[square]

Is the guilt something your wife planted in your head?

[escapingman]

Is the guilt something your wife planted in your head?

The about of guilt she has planted in my head is unheard of. She has even managed to get me to feel guilty about things that happened before I met her.

[oak_tree]

SO's ex tried to make him feel guilty for a dream she once had. 

Also, SO still gets pangs of guilt when he's having fun (they're getting rarer), and that's more than 4 years out of the relationship.  He hasn't been raged at in over 2 years (they've been NC for that long). I can't wait for you, EM, to be able to say you've gone 1 month without being raged at. 

Don't feel guilty. Know that being able to enjoy life is actually something we all deserve. Enjoy friends. Enjoy calm. You will have this always, soon.

[escapingman]

Guilt and shame, the worst ones. If I have had a really great time without her I always used to make up some reasons to tell her things were not so good. Because if I came home raving about how much fun I had she always got into a stinking mood blaming me for having fun without her.

For the raging, I don't think I can take one more from either her or GC (who she has completely groomed into flying monkey). But how do I prove to any court that the abuse from my daughter is masterminded by STBX?

I am so tired, but it has been a bliss to be away for a few days.

[escapingman]

Watched another youtube video from Richard Grannon, boy would I recommend anyone to watch it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOb3g2P4mkM&list=TLPQMjYwNDIwMjIRpNfDBm2H0A&index=2

What I like about him, and Sam Vaknin is that they tell how it is. Dr Ramani and Les Carter and the rest are also good, but these guys really go down deep. I really needed this video right now to tell me to stop waiting for STBX to make any moves, I need to take the lead and I need to not be scared of her reaction. She will rage anyway, whatever I do. I would be punished in the same way if I take the TV and not letting her watch her program as if I took her car and ran it into a river on purpose.

My next step is that I have to get the house valued by someone, STBX obviously doesn't want this as she doesn't want the divorce and move out. But without an idea of the value of the house, it is difficult to try to negotiate a settlement deal. Which she is going to fight and delay and so on. But I need to take the lead and push on with things, I am scared, but what can be worse than being raged at for existing?

[hhaw]

YES!  Good...
So glad ...
Now that 2 men said it...you go little Rock star.

Get that appraisal.

Stop fearing.....lean into the goal.

Know the stbx will stall, sabotage and perhaps destroy her children, life and financial future just to take you down for defying her, but keep moving  forward to mitigate the harm and get out the other side of this.

Go fast.

Go as far as u can.

Hold stbx accountable and treat her like a stranger......no second chances, no benefit of the doubt and no stalling tactics......just business. 

Make a good plan and carry it through come hell or high water.  Ask for help.  Accept support.

Now that 2 men said it....sure.  Why not?

[escapingman]

I think it's completely irrelevant about what gender the people in the videos has, but what mattered to me was the depth they spoke and really hit a nail for me. The combination of all these people on you tube helps me a lot, some days a couple of Dr Ramani or Les Carter videos do the trick, some others Sam Vaknin or Richard Grannon - but the combination of all of those are pushing me forward and help me a lot.

But this story about Johhny Depp and Amber Heard is quite validating right now as Heard seems to be very much like STBX. Hopefully her getting a diagnosis that is put out the the public raise the awareness. 

[escapingman]

Watched another one by Vaknin, this is deep stuff and really really good. This one is about being the victim and learned helplessness. This really struck with me, I need to stop being a victim!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujw-jbjOOpg&t=1s

[SonofThunder]

Watched another one by Vaknin, this is deep stuff and really really good. This one is about being the victim and learned helplessness. This really struck with me, I need to stop being a victim!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujw-jbjOOpg&t=1s

EM, I know our situations are a little different with possibly different laws/different country and you have complications of minor children, but our wives are very similar.  I am now completely moved out of the marital home and am now on a course for divorce in year(s) depending how vindictive my uPDstbx plays with her lawyer. 

I aim always toward generosity with fairness, and will do the same in my divorce.  So therefore she is going to have to move into the greedy, unfair realm in order for me to play strategic hardball and I am prepared.  I am a victim already, just as you are, but i will be less of a victim, as I end my legal connections and work on self improvement. 

As i wrote in my own thread, i found my hill to end my marriage upon and it was in my favor, as her paranoia and lack of marital trust was just too much to remain married and is now the ace in my pocket, as i have that Bat-Shittery documented. 

In your case, im still hopeful that with continued documented abuse (police calls each time?), you can convince the courts to either have her removed or you and the kids can relocate.  Yes, we are moving away from victimhood together.  There are not too many men here with PD wives and imo, PD wives are a bit different that PD husbands, because the fear of abandonment turns the wives into helpless little dependent girls, vs uncaring and/or proud, testosterone NPD men. 

I may catch a bit of pushback on that last comment, but from what i read here on Out of the FOG, separating/divorcing a PDwife is a different experience imo.  My experiences have presented themselves, and feel like, Im abandoning my own child. Very-very gut-wrenching.

SoT

[escapingman]

I may catch a bit of pushback on that last comment, but from what i read here on Out of the FOG, separating/divorcing a PDwife is a different experience imo.  My experiences have presented themselves, and feel like, Im abandoning my own child. Very-very gut-wrenching.


I think that is why I have stayed as long as I have, I have felt like I have 3 children, but when the adult child started turning the other children against me as she got jealous when I spent time with them I could no longer handle it. I can remember us being on ski holidays, the girls being very good skiers and STBX very basic. Every time I went up on the more difficult slopes with the girls some drama happened and I was being persecuted for not being there protecting her. We haven't had any intimacy for years and I can now see that the intimacy we had before was not true intimacy. When I have cuddled her or kissed her it has always been more of a father daughter hug and kiss on forehead type.

I am following you as well SoT and I hope we both can look back at this period from a calm place not to far in the future.