Why did this do me in emotionally?

[11JB68]

I feel like with uocpdh I have learned to use tools/medium chill and I now expect poor behavior so it doesn't catch me off guard.
On the other hand I've been feeling very depressed/hopeless lately... So in a way it won't take much to push me over the cliff.
I have a customer at work who likely has a pd or 'something'. She's clearly not 'right' and splits, has burned out most of my office.
Yesterday she called me, laid into me saying I said something I did not say, then hung up without giving me any opportunity to respond. (Which would have been JADE but still... This is my job/reputation)
I was upset, shaking, way too busy to really deal with it. Told my boss and he took my side, offered to call her, basically said he'd 'fire' her as a client. I tried to call her later but she didn't answer.
On my way home from work I totally broke down, crying, sobbing.
I'm exhausted, stressed... This was like the proverbial last straw.
I have tried so hard to be kind and patient and helpful/understanding/empathic with this woman.... And this is what I got.
I feel like... What is the point? If I have to walk on eggshells with everyone...
How can I be me and not get abuse in response?

[SparkStillLit]

HUGS to you. Or whatever kind of human comfort you like. Wine toasts, if you prefer.
Darling sister, this is how I broke. I feel like I just read my story.
Yucky people are everywhere. So are good ones. You do NOT have to walk on eggshells with everyone. You DO get to be yourself and not get abused in return.
Now. Several items. You need a break. Can you take your boss up on getting rid of that lady, or at the least, you not having to deal with her? You don't need that right now (or ever, really. But you don't have the resources right now.)
Do you have a therapist? Do you have some cherished friends? You need these. What about a Dr? You might need that, too.
You need some of the good people around you right now. You need to talk it over with some people, and I'd suggest a pro. You are just worn to the bone. You need some you-time where you don't need to MC or grey rock or hold your boundaries or do any of that.
Your well is dry. You need a recharge, away ftom dh, either alone or with good friends that lift you up.
Now, I sunk way low. I never have before. My normal setting is sunshine and roses, and I lost it. It was scary. I am diagnosed and medicated, and I see a little sunshine and some of my roses. I'm getting there. You may not be quite like this, but I really suggest you take care of YOU before getting here.

[11JB68]

Spark thank you. I cried reading your response. A real hug would be great... But, you know, COVID... Which hasn't been helping my existential angst at all!  I only have one good friend that I see very occasionally. Uocpdh is so controlling, it's hard for me to find time for myself or to socialize... And with him being high risk I have to be very careful about covid.
I'm the manager at work so I should be the one to handle the difficult clients, she isn't even 'mine' but has fallen to me because I'm the manager and because she splits and will refuse to talk to certain people.
We may need to cut her loose.
The person I'm with all the time is Updh and I don't talk with him about my problems. I didn't even tell him about that incident yesterday. Told him my day was fine, busy. That's it.
I'm trying to figure out why this triggered me.
Updh would say that my problem is I want everyone to like me... I don't really think that's true. However I don't want to be accused, abused, etc.
I don't want to have to medium chill everyone either.

[notrightinthehead]

 
Oh dear 11JB!
That's what I used to do - the moment I was alone in my car, tears just started rolling. On long walks with my dog I sat down on a very quiet spot and cried and cried. It enabled me to continue functioning at work, at home. I felt so lonely and exhausted, nobody to talk to, the stress at home, and there were days when I thought that I had "Abuse me" written on my forehead.

It seems you have reached a new low. So good of you to realize that you just don't have the emotional and mental strength to deal with this difficult client. Let others help you, especially when they offer. Don't expect yourself to be superhuman, allow yourself to accept help.

Try to be at least as kind to yourself as you are to your husband. Give yourself the same amount of consideration and respect. And maybe you could try that the next time you realize that you think of him,  tell yourself STOP and think about yourself. What you feel, want, need, hope for. Repeat.

[athene1399]

I am so sorry you are going through this, JB. I know the times I had to deal with a PD in my personal life, I was so burned out. I couldn't imagine having to deal with one at work as well. When I start feeling how you described I think of it as "something's gotta give." Maybe you have so much stress at home with updh that you don't have the energy to deal with it elsewhere.

I would suggest, as some of the others have, to allow yourself some me time to recharge. Maybe train someone at work the skills you use on updh so they can take care of the troublesome client. Or just tell her she will no longer be a client and she must take her business elsewhere. If no one at your work wants to deal with her, then you don't have to either.

I hope you feel better soon. Sending hugs!

[11JB68]

Thanks everyone! Feeling much better today and really looking to figure out ways to not be blindsided by this stuff in the future.
I truly appreciate the support and feedback