He Says He Hates Me

Started by Lookin 2 B Free, November 26, 2020, 02:51:26 PM

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Lookin 2 B Free

Blessings to all on this Day of Thanks.  I have much to be grateful for.  I also feel hurt and sad.

My PDex and I were communicating a lot last Thanksgiving, though I had left him.  A month later, after he got mad at me for planning to leave the country for awhile and for not responding to his hoovering, I went no contact . . . where we've been ever since.

This is only the 2nd time in over a year that I've looked at his FB page.  (Bad idea, I know.)   Nostalgia overtook me, remembering our holidays past together, some of which were wonderful, and I looked.

He's a writer and posts his poems on his page.  Not that anyone reads them - he has no friends, FB or otherwise.  But I saw a poem he wrote about me last summer that said "I hate you again, like I hate the truth again and hurt."  And went on to talk about how that's what I left him and that he's going away to a place where there are lonely dreams and the present is the past.

I never talk about him anymore with anyone.  Friends and family didn't like him and didn't like how he treated me and are just glad we're apart.  Most of them don't understand trauma bonds or PD's or why I would still have feelings.  I wanted to reach out to someone who does understand as I know many, if not all, of you do.  Just to say my truth, even though I wish it weren't my truth . . . and I wish I didn't think of him daily and didn't care what he feels or says about me.  Partly, too, his BPD angst just gets to me.

I am in quarantine after being exposed to Covid (but no symptoms so far).  So in ten minutes I will video chat with my 3 kids while we eat Thanksgiving dinner at each of our own homes.  It will be better now, because I was able to open my heart to you.  Very grateful for you all on this Day of Thanks.  XO

Associate of Daniel

I'm sorry, Lookin 2 B Free.

I think many of us here have heard the words "I hate you" in some form or other from our pd exes.  It's never nice to hear, and this is the first I've heard of it being expressed in a poem!

I remember a few things my uNPD exH (who left me, not I, him) said:  "I only think of suicide when I'm talking to you."  And "I've been hoping for years that you'd die of natural causes."

I'm sure there were other things he said but those two stand out.

Perhaps we can all compare notes.

It does get easier (I'm 8 years out now).

I hope you are Covid free and that you enjoy your time with your children today.

AOD