wow

Started by sevenyears, December 01, 2020, 03:34:15 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

sevenyears

wow - I'm floored. agreement trumps ego

I was 17 minutes late to bringing the children to XH unocpd for our last transfer. Why? Because we stopped at the store so they could buy him cupcakes for his birthday. This was the only time I've ever been late to bringing them. I erroneously thought that his ego and narcissism would take over, but no. For him, it was waaaayyy more important that I respect the agreement and come on time. I get it - sort of. I watch him like a hawk that he brings the kids on time, especially after the time he tried to unilaterally change the agreement the night before a transfer on mother's day and insisted that I pick them up if I wanted to see them, and then he decided to simply come late (30 minutes wasn't a big deal, he said). I get that he was angry (not annoyed, but really angry) that I was late, he was always like this during our marriage, even when I was trying to get an infant and a toddler out the door on my own. But, it didn't even register with him that the kids were doing something nice for him and that I let them (he always falsely accused me of trying to interfere/jeopardize his relations with them). All I can say is: wow. Maybe my ex is not a uPD, but a robot?

Starboard Song

I knew one couple that kept a spreadsheet to average it all out. If someone, on average, was running late, they'd simply say "I checked the spreadsheet and you've been running late. Please try to be a little more attentive. Thanks!" It took the edge off for them, it seemed. They were near the end, with older teens, but maybe it could work for anyone.

I think it encouraged flexibility while holding people accountable who were abusing the agreement.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

Penny Lane

I remember one time very early on in my relationship with DH, he took the kids on vacation and they sent their mom a nice postcard. He didn't do much other than facilitate (buying the postcard, helping them address it and buying a stamp).

Nice gesture, right? Showing the kids that they can still connect with the other parent even if they're not with them. Etc.

Nope, BM freaked out. You would have thought he had sent her a postcard that said "the kids hate you." Apparently it was an extremely disrespectful and hostile action.

What he learned was that even kind interactions are not helpful. The goal was, and remains, to limit contact as much as possible. Even him doing something nice was just an excuse for him to unleash her own inner unhappiness in his direction.

My guess is that even if you were on time your ex would have still been mad. It is sad for your kids that he won't let you have an ideal coparenting relationship. It's too bad because you are clearly a kind person who has the capacity to put your feelings aside! But he is not, and he does not.

I'm sorry! As always, you deserve better, your kids deserve better.

Associate of Daniel

Sevenyears, you're not alone in the insanity.

A couple of years ago I was 45 minutes late dropping ds off to uNPD exH.

I'm never late.  I usually leave half an hour before I need to and sit around waiting near his apartment until pickup time. UNPD exH lives about an hour's drive away.

On this occasion I left nearly 50 minutes before I had to because I was leaving from a different place and was less familiar with the way.

We got stuck in an enormous traffic jam.  4 lanes of freeway not moving.  No way off.

According to NPD exH I should have known there was going to be a traffic jam (caused by a car crash) and left earlier.

Apparently I control the traffic and whether/when/where people have accidents.

And don't get me started on how ds's uNPD smother behaved on that occasion.

Starboard Song, your spreadsheet story reminded me... many years ago uNPD exH requested yet another change to the pickup arrangements.  On this occasion I said no.

He went nuts, claiming that he "always"  changes when I request to but I "never" change at his requests.

He sarcastically offered to do up a spreadsheet of the various times we had each requested changes and what each of our responses had been on said occasions.

This flawed me as I rarely had asked for a change.

I decided to look up the pickup history of the previous 3 months.

He had requested 8 and I'd given him 6 and a half of them.

I'd requested 2 and he'd refused both. 

I often wondered if he ever made the spreadsheet. 

Ah. The games of pd land.

AOD

sevenyears

Starboard - I like the idea of a spreadsheet a lot. unocpd xh is likes to record everything very precisely. He used to record the exact minute I came home from work when we were married. While it was creepy then, now he could have an exact record (assuming he didn't falsely record anything) and would see that I bring the kids on time. Like you, AOD, I'm sure the spread sheet would be only "one way". Penny, my kids send unocpd xh post cards - so far, he hasn't really reacted to them one way or another. He does not let them send anything to me though.

Stepping lightly

DH used to take the kids to buy birthday/Christmas presents for BM.  Nothing expensive at all, but something the kids specifically pick out for their mom.  He wanted to teach them that although mom and dad were not together, it was the right thing to do, and it made the kids feel special selecting something for BM.  BM would always bash the "cheap gift" to the kids, which always broke my heart since they were the ones that picked them out. 

sevenyears

Stepping Llghtly, their (B)F is the same way as your kids' BM. The first year after we separated, I took the kids to buy him a present for his birthday for similar reasons as your H. I want them to learn about giving and recognizing important days for others. They chose a DVD and were so excited to give it to him. His only response was that he already had it. Nothing else. Since then, they make him something and buy or make cupcakes. For his birthday, father's day, Christmas, or, really any holiday. The most he'll say to DD8 is thank you (and not always even that). Sometimes, he'll show some enthusiasm for DS5's gifts, but you never know. It's so sad. I'm undecided whether I should keep asking them whether they want to give him anything.