What would you say?

[Dodo]

My partner seems to hate my sister in law and has very thin skin when it comes to people but especially her.  He has always disliked her because of a few minor instances that he has blown out of portion (like everything with this man).  He calls her riff raff, ugly and a wrinkled old bag.  He is jealous of mine and her relationship as we are close because she is like a sister to me, I've known her for over 40 years and she has always been a good friend to me.  He talks to his sister all the time, his daughter all the time, his uncle, I never say anything to him about his enmeshed relationship with his daughter, although I find it totally irritating at times.  I talk to my sister in law when he is not around as he always has something negative to say about her.  Then he will turn around and say to me "why are you so sensitive about her, what does it matter to you if I say she is a fat ugly cow".  I want to scream at him when he talks like this but he would turn around and say "why are you defending her" and we will get into one of our circular arguments and get in a big spat, so I try to ignore him but it burns me up.  I find with him once he has made up his mind about someone whom he thinks has said something about him or acted a certain way to him, well he will complain about them forever more, it is really hard sometimes, I just try and ignore him but its hard.  What advise would you have about what to say to him, or is it even worth the energy!

[notrightinthehead]

It seems to me that you are still trying to change him.  What keeps you from accepting him as he is?

The way I would handle it, next time I want to speak to my SIL, I would do it right in front of him and tell him, I have not spoken to the ... insert his insults of her.... for a while, I am going to call ....insert his insults of her.....I enjoy talking to ....insert his insults of her.

This worked with my NPDh. His intention was to hurt me by insulting my friends. When I did this,  he stopped calling them names.

[GettingOOTF]

What you are describing is Coercive Control and is illegal in the UK. You are describing an abusive relationship. My ex was like this. I came to see he would never change and I left.

You can speak to whomever you choose, when ever you choose it. He had no right to control your relationships with others.

From your posts it seems like the abuse is escalating. I would have an exit plan for when it turns physical. Abusers do not change. The abuse only gets worse. If there’s one thing all experts agree on when it comes to abuse, it’s that it always escalates.

Personally I worked with a therapist to figure out why I was so stuck in my abusive marriage and why I picked men like my ex. It gave me a lot of insight and helped me to leave and rebuild a life free of abuse, control and manipulation.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hello Dodo!

Based on my experience it sounds like your husband is threatened by your sister-in-law.    My exBPDbf would bad mouth anyone in my life who I trusted or who's opinion mattered to me.    For example my father is an attorney and he would say all lawyers are lying, thieving criminals.    Actually, he would mutter it under his breath loud enough so I could hear him.    The is classic passive-aggressive behavior.   

My suggestion would be to ignore him.    If you try to defend her by saying "SIL isn't a fat cow" you are taking his bait.  I would bite my tongue and reply to his BS in my head.   I am sure SIL is on to his game and he senses it.    There is no point in trying to rationalize with a person who has a personality disorder.   It might take a little time but after a while he will come up with a new way to try and get your attention.   

As non-PDs we need to maintain relationships with our friends and family for the emotional support the PD is unable to provide.   One mistake I made while I was still in the FOG was to pull away from my support circle to "keep the peace".    Walking on eggshells is emotionally exhausting and no way to live.   

You are not alone.   

[Dodo]

sad_dog_mommy
you are so right, the following day she called and I was on the phone with her and he came into the room and sat on the couch and listened while we talked.  He wasn't making fun but trying to laugh with me and when I got off the phone he said "I always put my family on speaker phone so you can be involved in the conversation".  Well I told him why would I put her on speaker phone, I know you can't her.  I don't want to be involved in his family conversations but I guess he thinks I would feel left out, but I don't.
Like sad_do_mommy said he is threatened by SIL that her opinion matters to me, Then he started going on about my family doesn't include him or pay attention to him, blah blah blah.  Then he turns around and says how much he hates my SIL.  So exhausting, I don't fight back anymore it is not worth the trouble.

Not so right in the head
I know I can't change him but I guess what he says and does still bothers me so much.

Getting Out of the FOG
I have never ever thought this man would be physical in the least.  He has and I believe would never lift a hand to me.  He only torments with his words!!!!

[losingmyself]

Dodo, sounds like my H, with my DD. He never has anything nice to say about her, but insists on listening to our conversations. Last time she called, I left the room because he was watching tv. I thought it was the polite thing to do. He followed me into the kitchen, and stood close so he could hear her, and make snide comments about things she said, or just talking to me so I had to pay attention to him. Like, picture someone bringing out the juggling pins and doing silly dances to get my attention, because it's not on him. I turned down the volume, but he noticed and got snippy about that. He made it so awkward that I just gave up and told her goodbye, which I'm sure was his plan, and now I am reluctant to call her again because we'll have to go through that again. And that's the whole idea, isn't it?? Isolation. Kris Godinez talked about jealousy yesterday, and it fit so well, he's just jealous of everybody.
You should check it out, I always learn stuff from her.
And I get the guilt trip, that nobody calls him.. boo-hoo. Who's fault is that??
So I should speak to no one, also, because he doesn't.
It is difficult to maintain relationships. I think also, he's concerned that I'll spill the beans about what he's really like. And my DD knows exactly how he is, so we might speak about that.

[Dodo]

losingmyself
you are so right it's all about not paying attention to him, jealous of everyone, having nothing nice to say about anyone, I don't understand it but this is him.  Isolation this is what it is all about, I never understood in the beginning of our relationship but I do now, it's a dance, it is a way of trying to get me into his world and out of my old one.  I don't believe him now about people as he is pretty negative about most people.  I usually talk to my SIL when he is not around or when I'm walking the dog, so of course he's afraid I'm talking about him!

[losingmyself]

Dodo, I think he's absolutely sure I'm talking about him. Not even wondering. Because, what else would I be talking about??
I don't have thoughts and opinions of my own!!
I realized also that his opinion of everyone was the same, so, even though it took me a while, I don't believe it when he tells me how terrible someone is, either.