I'm being called a bully

[Chrysanthemum]

So, here's the current situation with my uPD SIL. SO and I have explained to En-MIL several times why we're unhappy with SIL's verbal abuse and harassment. En-MIL always tells us we're wrong, that SIL is a victim. Then after some time has passed, she acts confused again about why we're upset, and tries to get us to rehash so she can once again tell us we're wrong and that we're being mean to SIL and need to apologize.

When we finally talked directly to SIL over email, she started harassing and mocking us before we had even started getting into why we were hurt. Due to the volume of emails we were getting and their contents, I withdrew completely. SO is still willing to pick up the phone if his parents call at this point, but he's prepared his words of exit. They have stood back and done nothing.

Now I'm being called a bully for retreating and not telling her explicitly why I'm hurt (in front of the entire extended family, because she keeps forwarding any emails sent only to her or a subset of people). She knows exactly what is going on.

I do not believe I am a bully, and I know this is PD behavior, but it's still making me question my sanity. I'm just giving it everything I have right now to stick to my NC guns. And, you know, perform basic functions at work instead of being consumed by this all day.

[Andeza]

She's projecting. Her behavior is bullying, absolutely. There's zero point in wasting time and effort on people who are completely and totally unwilling to change. In fact, self-preservation in the form of NC is the sign that you've had your last straw moment.

Since it is SO's family, at this point in your shoes, I'd block them on all possible avenues to get my peace and quiet NC. Then, when you get home from work, go to a quiet place in your house, take some deep breaths, be aware of the multitude of emotions you're dealing with, and practice accepting them and understanding that it's quite normal to feel a ton of stuff. You don't deserve to feel all of it. Like questioning yourself. But it's a result of the crazy-making behavior of the pwPDs in your life and so it too must be processed and dealt with. This may take some time. Weeks, months, years... There's no right or wrong method or answer or recovery period, so long as you find what works for you and let's you achieve a point of healthy balance within yourself.

You don't owe them or anyone else an explanation. Explanations with these people = ammunition. They'll twist everything you say and use it against you in some form.

[DistanceNotDefense]

 

I totally and 1000% agree with Andeza completely.

[Hepatica]

You are not a bully. You are a victim of bullying. Nobody, nobody, nobody is required to endure harassment and verbal abuse. And nobody should then have to endure a pack of people on email looking at your personal issues with your SIL. I would not be able to handle that.

I don't know if you live near to them but I would be majorly cutting contact at this point. I wouldn't even read the emails or respond to them. Way, way too stressful. It seems you are doomed no matter what you do, so decide to take care of you by no longer involving yourself in it.

The natural consequences of a person choosing to verbally harass and abuse you is to no longer engage. You can't win in this situation. They are seeking drama and victimizing you, and the only way to stop them is to not play the game. If you need to, say what you need to say and then say, I will no longer discuss this. And follow through. Do not engage. Do not debate. Do not discuss.

Go silent. Starve them of the drama.

[Chrysanthemum]

Thank you Hepatica, DistanceNotDefense, and Andeza. I appreciated reading all your thoughts.

It is deeply weird to be placed under public examination like this. To their credit, a few relatives have reached out to let me know they don't think it's appropriate either, but everything is too complicated when we can't talk in person. I'm staying NC completely right now, as I can't trust them (even though some of them have been very nice to me and appeared sane in the past).

Funny thing is, I have also been attacked for citing the pandemic conditions as a plea to give us some time and space. These people keep saying, No, we need to talk NOW. You need to reconcile NOW. Do it over email NOW. That is simply unacceptable to me. They don't even know what I'm dealing with in my daily life right now, and they wouldn't care if they did.

I have set it up so anything else goes to my spam folder. Thank you Andeza for the self-care suggstions... I am doing a yoga video tonight. 

[Ilove....]

So, here's the current situation with my uPD SIL. SO and I have explained to En-MIL several times why we're unhappy with SIL's verbal abuse and harassment. En-MIL always tells us we're wrong, that SIL is a victim. Then after some time has passed, she acts confused again about why we're upset, and tries to get us to rehash so she can once again tell us we're wrong and that we're being mean to SIL and need to apologize.

When we finally talked directly to SIL over email, she started harassing and mocking us before we had even started getting into why we were hurt. Due to the volume of emails we were getting and their contents, I withdrew completely. SO is still willing to pick up the phone if his parents call at this point, but he's prepared his words of exit. They have stood back and done nothing.

Now I'm being called a bully for retreating and not telling her explicitly why I'm hurt (in front of the entire extended family, because she keeps forwarding any emails sent only to her or a subset of people). She knows exactly what is going on.

I do not believe I am a bully, and I know this is PD behavior, but it's still making me question my sanity. I'm just giving it everything I have right now to stick to my NC guns. And, you know, perform basic functions at work instead of being consumed by this all day.

I'm experiencing something similar from my sister.  My sister doesn't have an official diagnosis that I know of.  I suspect that theres a cluster B personality due to the intensity of her emotions and actions.   It points to a personality disorder. 

Currently, she's not physically in my life for many years. I am NC with her.   Currently going through a lot of abuse from her that showed in many different ways
Abusive messages, a lot of filthy bad messages.
Smear campaign
Revenge tactics
Desperation for attention etc. 


She sent me links to the silent treatment being abuse and followed up with insults and questions for example - why am I such a bully?

At that time, it wasn't a silent treatment from me. What I was doing was implenting a boundary and I want NC. 
The thing is when she was living at home, the silent treatment was a tactic that she used for intimation and here she was turning it onto my back. 

A while after that accusation, I got the messages and the accusations where she said that I gaslighted her. 

I vaguely know what gaslighting is. It's deliberate attempts to make someone else doubt their mind.   A family row is not that but there she was terming the word gaslighting onto my back. If she believes I gaslighted her, let's face it, that's a form of abuse.   You would think she would be happy that I am not in her life any more and that she is free from me but no, she's desperate and eager for me to give her attention and according to her messages she wants me to fix our broken relationship. I'm not willing to meet anyone who's not able to meet another person half way.  She sees the world in her way and her way only.

[LemonLime]

Oh dear Chrysanthemum and llove.   These PDs share so many tactics.

My sister seems to harbor unbelievable resentment towards me.  Not totally sure why, though she definitely felt the SC in our family, and it's true she was so much more difficult to be around than I was when we were kids.  We just had very different temperaments, and I don't think my parents handled her particularly well.  But my parents are not PDs.   And I am not. a PD.    And if she's mad, why not be mad at them?  Why me?   Is it because she sort of depends on them financially, and that they're elderly now so she feels guilty being mean to old people?   And I'm an easy target? 

One thing I know for sure is that when I finally grew a spine a few years back and then she raged at me and my mom, I put up a boundary.  She took that as a declaration of war, I think.   My mom was mad at her but didn't put up a boundary so I guess that's why I'm the bad guy now.

Interestingly, after running to her husband to complain about how awful I was during this "rage", she sent me a link to the definition of the word "triangulation" and accused me of doing it.  I didn't know what that meant so had to look it up.   She triangulates but accuses me of it.   So I guess we know that these PD's do a lot of projection.

We used to be good friends.  But I will not continue on like this.   We've been pretty LC for a few years, though she initially tried lots of hoovering to get me back.  Thing is, as you said, I can't understand why she would want to hang out with me if she truly believes the names she called me in her rage.   And I did point out to her in a very nice letter that I wrote afterwards, that it doesn't make sense for her to want to be around me, and it isn't healthy for me to want to be around someone who clearly has contempt for me.

In fact, if she were to ask about my aloofness, I might say "Sister, it just isn't possible to have a healthy relationship when one person has contempt for the other".

I did finally figure out that what hurt so much was the contempt, which Jon Gottman defines as the worst of the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse for a relationship.  And I know she was contemptuous because she called me names and rolled her eyes at me and used biting sarcasm.  Contempt is deadly for any relationship.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.  It's the hardest thing I've had to do, but holding the boundary feels very healthy.   I likely will never have a real "heart to heart" with her because I very much get the feeling, as you have said about your sis, that she wants me to take 100% of blame for our falling out.   I no longer trust her enough to have a one-on-one conversation with her, because she twists things so much and might use information against me.   I don't really want to hear all the things she thinks about me because I will not be able to un-hear them, and they hurt.   I am a person who tends to overthink my own responsibility for things so I don't want to have to re-examine her words to see if there is any truth to them.  That is too exhausting and soul-sucking.   I'm going to have to soldier on, knowing that I am an imperfect human, but not as deeply flawed as she would like me to think.

You are not alone, but I know this is terribly hard to be painted as bad.  Unfortunately with these PDs there is no real winning.

[Chrysanthemum]

Oh dear Chrysanthemum and llove.   These PDs share so many tactics.

Thanks LemonLime and Ilove. It is a little scary just how similar the behavior is when you start reading the stories on Out of the FOG. I'm a little shellshocked by the relentless communication (dozens of emails in a single weekend?!) and the obvious need for attention. Ilove, you're right: you would think that if we were such horrible people, they would be happy to wash their hands of us. But no, they just keep sending more...

It's real, and I'm so glad to know we're not alone.

[Spring Butterfly]

Gaslighting DARVO and triangulation are three topics to check into here under traits. The "What to Do"  section of each topic becomes my checklist / plan

[Hilltop]

I think its good that you stepped back.  I would not talk about it with your MIL.  You know what her thoughts on the matter are so no need to discuss it any more.  Just say that you will deal with the matter between yourselves and your SIL. I would guess this is why SIL has mentioned triangulation, you are talking to MIL, MIL is talking to SIL and SIL is wondering why you won't just talk to her.  You can't be sure MIL is passing along the correct message of what you said to her, she could be adding her own opinion and making the situation worse.  You mention a few relatives have contacted you, this is messy and can lead to a lot of extra hurt all round.  I would shut that down, if you do need to talk, talk to your SIL no one else.  I see that your SIL is forwarding emails which is also triangulation, I would not engage via email any more.

I wouldn't email your SIL it doesn't seem to be a productive way to communicate with her.  If you have tried to talk and she is being critical in return there isn't much you can do.  Give it some space.  This is your SO's family, I would take a massive step back, this drama is their drama, it's not yours, you really don't need to deal with it.  Your SO can communicate with them.  Your SIL is being the bully and you don't need to do anything because she demands it.

If you haven't managed to say what your problems are perhaps in time when things settle down this may happen, however your SIL may also just be one of those people who won't be able to listen, who will turn it back around on you.  Personally I would like to have that chance to say my piece and then listen.  If she does try to turn it back on you so be it, you tried.  I don't know what you were saying before she became angry but it doesn't sound like you managed to say what is wrong and perhaps in time that conversation may be able to take place.

If she has always been this way, volatile and angry, I would probably walk away, she won't change.  If this is something slightly new, it is probably up to your SO and what your SO wants to do with their relationship with their sister.  At the moment it might simply be too heated however in time when things have settled if your SO wants to try again I would give it a chance.  It's ok to say what is wrong, to say it one time and let the person know how you feel.  What they do with that information is up to them, they may think on it or they may react.

If your SIL reacts then so be it, you can't change that.  I wouldn't think that you have talked to your MIL so it's all out in the open.  It isn't.  If you haven't managed to talk to your SIL I would give that a go, if she tries to twist things and turn it back on you, does that matter.  You will have your answer.  I would also listen to what she is saying so that you can later think about whether she has a point.  I would not listen to any name calling or put downs and be clear with her that if you do talk you will walk away if the conversation becomes abusive.

Of course perhaps this is just one more abusive act in a long line of abusive behaviour and its not worth it.  Only you know that.  However this is your SIL, its your SO's family, step back and don't get drawn in.  Take care of yourself.  The whole thing is messy at the moment with a lot of different relatives being involved.  I think you need to step back and give each other some space and if it's important to your SO come back to it later.