BPD and Dementia

Started by AB62, February 26, 2021, 12:15:37 PM

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AB62

Hi there everyone - love this site, this is my first time posting!  (I first posted this in BPD Parents - but this is probably the better place...)

I'm interested in people's experiences with someone who has BPD AND Dementia?

My 84 yo mother has never been diagnosed with BPD (I only had the massive AHA last summer when I literally googled 'I hate my mother and I want her to die' and borderline came up) but her behaviours are and have been totally consistent with borderline: sudden rages, sulks, uncontrolled violence when we were small, abreactions to perceived rejections, impulsive decision-making etc.  Our father - who acted as a buffer between her and the world - sadly died in April; though she had MCI for many years before then; since his death her dementia behaviours are now becoming worse and worse.  We tried to support her living independently but no matter what we arranged for her (selling and buying flats, bringing in carers, OTs, companions etc) she wouldn't wear her falls necklace, fell badly, got delirium for a while, agreed to go into a care home to recuperate, insisted on coming out of the care home, repeatedly wanted to die, losing weight by not eating, dehydrated, believing her new flat was haunted etc.  After yet another fall before Christmas she was briefly hospitalised and absolutely refused to go back to her flat - she entered a care home voluntarily in December.  Now of course she insists on "going home" again.  It seems like my sister and I are seen as either her enablers (in which case she goes into waif mode - wailing, being pitiable, staying in bed, threatening to kill herself) or her blockers (when she becomes a pale shadow of the witch she used to flip into - cold, hard, seemingly rational, but not allowing us to speak).  She no longer has legal capacity - my sister has POA though we make decisions together.  We no longer seem to be human beings in her eyes.

I'm 4 months into therapy and I still feel sick when I have to speak to her on the phone.  We are applying boundaries - one call a week and we have blocked her calling us.  I can't ever support her living independently again.  I feel no love at all, just a dull obligation in terms of duty of care and slowly fading guilt.  I am longing for her to be dead, or at least not to know who I am.

BPD with dementia seems to be very unresearched.  I feel sorry for her as it's obviously hell for her to be alive at all and the pandemic makes everything difficult.  But I have no real idea about how to be with her or how these two significant problems and interacting in her mind.  Does anyone else have relevant experience of this horrible cocktail?

Fiasco

This is a timely post for me because I have a suspicion I'm about to start down this road with BPDm. I also call her once a week and a couple of times this year I've called in the evening rather than late morning and WOW. After dark all I get is crying that she wants to die or unfinished sentences with long silences. The first is typical unfortunately when things don't go her way but she is in no way comfortable with silences.  I'm wondering if she's showing signs of sundowning.

The crazy making part of it is that if she was anyone else I'd be very concerned but with her BPD she's as likely to be lying or faking as not. She has always loved pretending she doesn't know things, her special favorite is pretending she doesn't know how to pronounce "foreign sounding" words. I don't have anything to offer you except to say you've brought up exactly what's been on my mind. The next time she falls or has any new health emergency I can't imagine her being able to live in her home. I'm dreading the future right now where it concerns her.

Sneezy

Quote from: AB62 on February 26, 2021, 12:15:37 PM
BPD with dementia seems to be very unresearched. 
The normal aging process is difficult enough.  Add in dementia and it becomes very difficult.  Then put a PD in the mix and it can be a real mess.  My mom lies a lot (always has).  But at this point in her life, I don't know when she is lying because 1. she can't face the fact that she is aging (so she denies she has a medical problem because she doesn't want to admit she's getting older) or 2. she doesn't understand the problem because she is confused (so the doctor tells her something and she doesn't understand what he told her and so she tells me something completely different) or 3. she's lying because that's what she always does as she crafts her false narrative about herself.

It sounds like you have set up a perfectly reasonable boundary of one phone call a week.  And it's good that you and your sister appear to be on the same page, especially with regard to your mother not being able to live independently.  Keep those boundaries up and practice medium chill when you are talking to your mother.  Her behavior could get worse over time.  You are right that we just don't know very much about PDs and aging, and so unfortunately it's something we have to learn about as it happens.

Wishing you all the best  :)