Upcoming anniversary

Started by 11JB68, May 02, 2021, 08:12:47 PM

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11JB68

Sometimes I feel like, or wonder if, I'm overreacting or reading too much into stuff.
Big anniversary coming up. Updh has mentioned it several times.
I am so uninterested. Also just so many special events over the years, holidays, etc, have ended up ruined or at least tainted.
He wants to know what I want for 'my' anniversary. The gift thing is weird too. Usually I buy my own gifts, with whatever amount of money he has determined I can spend.
One birthday the discussion went: "how much will make you happy?"
I hate so much about this. The idea that he has that I'm so materialistic and that he can buy my happiness.
Also the idea that I'm making most of the money yet he decides how it can be spent... And that he wants to look like the romantic generous husband for allowing me to spend my money on a gift for myself...
I just know that I'd I spend money on some thing I don't need, then some time later I'll need to spend 50 on something and he'll give me a hard time about it.
His ideas about money are so arbitrary.
Part of me wants to just say ok yes I want this jewelry or whatever and just enjoy it, a much bigger part of me feels sick at the idea.

Free2Bme

This sounds like a page from my life with updxh (except he was the breadwinner) , No, I don't think you are overreacting.

There is really no right answer to the gift question, it's just another double bind.  I experienced this type of behavior from my updxh as well.  If I said what I wanted he would guilt me for it, or purposely get me the opposite of what I asked for in some way, or sabotage the special occasion days before so that he didn't have to do anything and then blame it all on me. 

Gift weirdness went both ways.  Our 20th (and last) anniversary I bought him a very expensive wrist watch,  I then got silent treatment through dinner, on the way home he said the watch was a piece of s*** and that he should divorce me for my error in judgment.  :stars:  There could never be a gift exchange that didn't involve pain in some way.  This caused anxiety in anticipation of every holiday/event, I would fight the urge to run away and skip it altogether.

I found the only neutral thing, least likely to cause a problem, was if we agreed on something we needed and bought a combined gift, like something for the house or a big ticket item.   You might offer something like this just to minimize stress.

So sad , and not what we hoped for when we married, right?  It shouldn't be so complicated to have an anniversary.  Whatever you decide to do, try to keep expectations low. 
Sorry for your predicament, take care.

JustKeepTrying

Any gift-giving holiday or event was such a trauma.  On my 40th as I was changing a diaper, he tossed cards at me and they landed on the dirty diaper.  So I had to first clean the cards of poop and then open them.  No gift.  Nothing for my 50th.  We didn't celebrate our anniversary and Christmas was a battle every year.  I really don't miss it and just am so glad I no longer have to deal with it.

Arbitrary is true, isn't it?  Rules stated one year and changed the next year without warning or explanation.  No real discussion just off the cuff and then I would be made to feel like "Well, why didn't you know?" kind of thing.  Sigh. 

You aren't overreacting or reading too much into it.  It's about control or in sometimes I think just plain meanness.  Who knows.  I do know that my OCPDxh knew what he was doing and no matter how many excuses I gave him to explain the behavior, he still chooses to do what he did.

So sorry you have to go through this.

notrightinthehead

Sounds to me as if he dangles a carrot in front of you. If you get your hopes up, you know the spiel. You have been through it too many times. What would happen if you just were honest and told him, you do not have enough energy to think about the anniversary and you are looking forward to him making the day really special for you?
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

11JB68

Oh not right... I laughed out loud reading that.... Him making the day special...ha. I feel like part of his gift thing is if he offers a gift and I pick something then he is off the hook, done, looks like he did the right thing, etc. With minimal effort. One year we had plans, low key but fun. He then suddenly wanted to watch out wedding video. I didn't. There are lots of mixed memories in that video including foo that I'm nc with. He insisted. We watched it. HE got pissed of about something his sister had done (video brought it up) at/around the wedding, stopped the video, called sister, screamed at her, hung up. She then called me asked WTH was that?? He couldn't de escalate himself and remained in a bad mood. I got ready to go out and he looked at me surprised and said "You still want to go out?? But I'm not in the mood now!"
:stars:

11JB68

Free 2be, I thought of that, a household gift. My first question to him was 'my anniversary?' he said well you deserve something (he has enough insight at times to feel that I deserve some kind of award for putting up with him)
Again, so many things turn into stress/drama... We've needed a mattress for years. It literally is duct taped together. We can afford one. He thinks it's too much bother to have it delivered set up etc etc.
I almost feel like the least drama/mc thing would be to choose a gift and be done with it...
Another idea would be to go on a trip. Again, stressful. He has never traveled well. I have lots of bad memories connected to our trips. And now he can barely walk, so not sure what we could do...

1footouttadefog

I would drive to an Ikea, have lunch nearby then buy one of those mattresses that are all rolled up with carry straps and take it home along with some assorted gadgets and decor.

When I got home I would cut the plastic and watch my new mattress appear like magic.

I have had that mattress anniversary. I also hit a trader Joe's while in that city.  Took take outs home and shopped A Halal market also.  It was a vacation.

Free2Bme

I was going to suggest the trip thing, but I have terrible memories/experiences with trips and updxh.  My feeling is that if I want to have a miserable weekend, I can do it at home for free and not be in a hotel room in a strange place and an easy target for holiday abuse. 

I am not glad to know that you have had unpleasant travel experiences as well, so painful and difficult.  Why is everything so damn hard with PD's, even the most simple thing?

To the it's  "my anniversary" comment, I would be tempted to say, "there is not a gift expensive enough for putting up with you."  (But, I know that is neither helpful or right to go there).

You could suggest a new mattress with white glove delivery and leave it up to him, that way you can't be blamed for anything.  Whatever you decide, I would say neutral/gray rock is best coupled with low expectations. 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, take care and let us know how things  turn out.
:bighug:


1footouttadefog

Low expectations defines my marriage.

11JB68

Thanks everyone for your support and thoughts. So sorry everyone here can relate to this and yet also so good to know that folks here GET IT... Most people would just say why wouldn't you want a present??

Fae Greenwood

I too had a milestone anniversary that was horrible for me. Our marriage had been going very well for some time and my expectations were reasonable, clearly expressed and discussed, and an agreement reached that was soon obscured by a forest of double bind trees. I don't know why everything has to be messed up but I believe he has a malevolent streak as a narcissist and getting one over on someone else brings him some strange shot of pleasure chemicals. They can't force you to feel better but they sure can force you to feel bad. I also suspect that's why he truly won't believe he's done something mean as he  feels really good doing it. Anyway, I've come to think of my anniversary as why my kids exist. That's helped me get through the day. If your children want you to have a "celebration," may I suggest ordering a cake. Free2Bme's mattress idea sounds good. And I agree with keeping your expectations low.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am responsible for my choices but not the choices of anyone else.

When we have a child, we give a hostage to fortune and to the other parent.

I may not respond as I have to sneak onto this site and more than a quick view is challenging.

Cascade

Our big milestone anniversary was one of the worst anniversaries I can remember. No planning on his part whatsoever, and he said he didn't even have enough money for us to go out to dinner, which is the one thing we usually do. I am always glad when our anniversaries are over. I hope yours goes better!

11JB68

Well I caved. It seemed like if I refused the'gift' it would cause a fight/melt down. I started to feel like I'd be playing the martyr role that ubpdm played so often. I chose a gift for less money than he had in mind and from a nonprofit/ethical source that helps disenfranchised women. He balked. I reminded him that the girl he married was a hippy  or had he forgotten? Also had a sort of mc general discussion about finances. He was on good behavior. Went ok. I don't feel great about the result, but not awful. Wasn't ready to push a major confrontation...

TooLiteral

Quote from: 11JB68 on May 04, 2021, 08:47:09 PM
Thanks everyone for your support and thoughts. So sorry everyone here can relate to this and yet also so good to know that folks here GET IT... Most people would just say why wouldn't you want a present??

It's funny, but that kind of thing gets said alot. But they don't understand that a "gift" comes with so much baggage that we struggle to decide if it's worth it.

Our my uPDh does the double bind thing on every special day. If I were in your shoes, if I were to buy myself the gift, I would be accused of being ahallow for not choosing something we could do as a family (like a trip.) If I bought a trip, I would be accused of being inconsiderate of him schedule in just assuming he could take a trip! 🤣🙄 He makes me cry every time. It doesnt matter what kind of day. Mothers Day, Christmas, birthday....

11JB68

Too literal, I'm so sorry you go through that!

tommom

Oh, dear. This reminded me that I have an anniversary coming up next week! I know we will go out to dinner, that's what we do, but I'm sure I'll be paying for it. Glad to hear it went okay, 11JB!
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."