Being strong without JADEing

Started by square, July 06, 2021, 10:14:42 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

escapingman

I feel for you, this must be absolutely awful. You should concentrate on your dad and all the rest is for your husband to deal with. I haven't read you story but this sounds like something you really need to get our from. Keep strong and ignore those nasties, at least for now.


square

Thank you both. I am just feeling low and weak today.

The hospital is understaffed and overwhelmed and simetimes we go 2 full days without information despite my mom calling multiple times daily. So we just don't know much. Hopefully we'll hear something tonight, and hopefully it will be positive.

Tomorrow is DD's birthday. MIL texted her to instruct DD to call MIL tomorrow at noon. How weird is that? Aren't birthday calls the responsibility of the well wisher? DD doesn't want to call at all. I think we'll just skip it and I'll tell MIL we were at the store at the time. It's also extremely presumptous of her to dictate the schedule. Noon works well for MIL's day apparently but maybe we're busy? Actually, there's a good chance this won't be a lie, DD needs a notebook for school and H might take her after church. AT NOON.

I'm still on the hook for a phone call and just dreading it. And she is demanding that I provide her times to call (after she ignored me saying evenings) and then taking her sweet time replying to nail down a time. This has already stretched on for two days.

She is going to put me on the spot about a visit but I will be a broken record. It's between her snd H. No, I don't know why the last few dates dodn't work out. Ask H. Yes, I understand she can't reach him. It's still between her and H. No, there is nothing I can do. No, I can't just talk to him. No, no, no, no. NO.

Poison Ivy

I suggest not responding to your MIL. The relationship doesn't sound like one that is worth preserving.

square

Ugh. If H takes the plunge, I will too.

He won't, though. He'll just drag it along into a deeper mess rather than make a proactive decision.

I had the stupid phone call. I did good. Just kept saying "it's up to H." She pulled out the "I don't understand" which is her way of saying "I don't like what you're saying and will push until you change your answer."

Because what is there to not understand? I can't take time off H's work. I can't drive the car. H is the only one who can do those things.

I got a text from my mom regarding not being able to get any update on my dad and she is very worried. Asked MIL if I could call her back in 3 minutes. She said she'd just let me go, just one more thing. Then five minutes more on this subject. Five minutes doesn't sound like a lot but ughhhhhhh. I could have called my mom real quick and been back on with MIL in that time. Finally I said it again and now she says she has other things to do tonight but we can finish The Discussion some other time. I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE. I would have preferred to just get it off my back.

Now I'm going to have to spend another damn hour on another day rehashing something that neither of us is going to budge on.

That, or cause A GIANT BLOWUP. Blowups with her are EPIC. They are talked about for DECADES.

$&@@"$&@@&$

I know everyone will say just let the blowup happen BUT I HAVE ENOUGH STRESS IN MY DAMN LIFE.

The cost for several more minths of peace (we are LC) is one more DAMN HOUR. And she will not get anywhere with me but at least I will have paid her the BASIC COURTESY of ANOTHER DAMN PHONE CALL UGHHHHH

square

#25
But not about his mom. He told me he'd take care of it.

We discussed maybe NC today. He decided he'd rather not, at least for now.

He said he hates his mother more than his violent, angry, unpredictable father. Because his father had a good side, a very warm and engaged side. His mother is just always out for herself.

Made me think, must partly be why he is not TOO upset with his own behavior. He is usually sorry, but it's like "sorry I was grumpy" not "omg this isn't acceptable." He is like his father, a bit better and also not violent.

But me, he seems to now regard all women including me as suspicious. We always have ulterior motives. Always angling to squeeze more out of him. Ugh. It's insane. I can ask him an innocent, straightforward question, and he assumes the question means I want something from him (other than, like, a straightforward and easy answer). Everything is loaded.

Well, it is, with his mother. Everything is a minefield. It's absolutely exhausting talking to her. There are all these micro moves, possible traps, ways you might get roped into something. The convo would sound innocent to most people listening but you have to be on guard the whole time.

I feel so sad that he now sees me as like his mother. He's made it clear that it's all women. All women are looking to squeeze something out of men. All just looking to spring a trap and get things by dishonest manipulation. Not sure how he got the idea men are somehow not selfish.

Some people have a bad experience and assume all men or all women. As terrible as my marriage is, it's not men. Some people are awful, all people are flawed, neither men nor women have a corner on selfishness.

square

My dad died yesterday.

Not sure how much it's sunk in. It keeps popping up at me.

I feel very sad and frustrated how much the pandemic ruined his last year and a half, including his death. We were unable to visit for the three weeks he was hospitalized, and only once did someone assist with connecting on the phone but he was very ill and not with it.

He no doubt felt completely abandoned. It's like it'ss stuck in my throat and I can't dislodge it.

SonofThunder

Square,

Im so very sorry to read of the loss of your Dad and especially in these difficult pandemic times that restrict visitation.  You will be in my thought and prayer for comfort during this very tough time in your life.  Im glad us Out of the FOG forum comrades can be here for you to share your sadness and frustration in his loss and also in dealing with the difficult personalities in your life.

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

bloomie

square - thoughts are with you as you process your Dad's death. I am so sorry for your loss and for the roadblocks to being with your dad in his last weeks.

Trusting you will be mindful to take good care of yourself during this time. Keep reaching out!
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

square


losingmyself

Square, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad. I can't imagine all the things you're going through right now, and I'm sending prayers for you.
I think it shines a light on how fragile and short life is.  We don't always get to say goodbye to the people we love, so show kindness, and let those we love know how much they mean to us, always.
God bless you and bring you strength

square

That is true about being kind. Thank you for your kind words.

hhaw

Quote from: square on July 08, 2021, 09:08:31 PM
Thank you for all of your replies.

Sometimes if he is being super invalidating, I will state some truth (like "it's okay for me to have feelings").  He will of course immediately squash it and I drop it but sometimes I feel like I need to say it out loud or go crazy. Sometimes I can tell he knows I am right, but is just being reactive.

I can't stay at my mom's, she lives 1,000 miles away and I can't take DD away from her friends and school and everything, and I can't leave her.

I don't know if I may need to redefine being strong/courageous. I don't know precisely what my goal would be in terms of feeling strong. I do not expect to prevail. I guess I wanted to not feel sick or bent or affected or something like that. But maybe that is not realistic, or maybe achieving that comes at too high a cost. Like, maybe I could do it if I became sadistic. But of course I do not want that, at all.  I wonder why you feel standing up for yourself, protecting yourself equals "being sadistic."  What was your FOO like?  Did they teach you having boundaries was cruel and not allowed? 

I don't know if one can be so centered and balanced that one could parry this darkness away. But I don't know if I'm missing something.  That thing might be a very good Trauma Informed Therapist near you.  Ones practicing with a Buddhist leaning typically have removed their egos from the process,which is HUGE, IME.

I think I've become about as centered as I can as a flawed human being. WHen I began seeing my Therapist, I just wanted to feel better.  My T asked why I wanted only that.  Didn't I want more?  Didn't I want to feel joy and comfort and secure?  What do yu want?

I do like writing my thoughts to help me process. But I loathe writing about my husband. It feels like handling poison. I have gotten bery good at "amnesia" and when some memories pop up it hurts so bad. If I am ever free of him I don't know if I could handle the memories, hope they will just stay sunk.  A good Trauma Informed T will help you face and process your fears and all the traumas bouncing aound your brain, stuck.  It only takes a millisecond to process trauma. Our brains just need a chance..... a way to calm themselves down....... to do it, IME. 

Man I sound like such a whiner. It sounds like my memories are of some terrible abuse. The hurt is just, like, I dunno. Finding out I am in fact unloved, unvalued. You sound like someone on her way to replacing all judgment with ONLY curiosity.  Someone who's learning to give herself tsunamis of self compassion, caring for herself like she's a young child in her charge.  You sound like someone who will learn how to cope and widen her window of resilience so she may model that for her beloved daughter.

I mention from time to time that I don't feel like I fit in here. Because I feel like I married a different man. Not a mask. Not a lovebomber. A good, loving man. One who still exists under the layers of some organic disease. I love my husband. Sometimes I see him, a bit. I don't believe in demon possession but it's like another entity has kidnapped him.
I think we all do better when we aren't judging and labeling people.  It's easier to focus on what we CAN control, which ourselves. Focusing on the disordered person (whatever their disorder is) doesn't help, IME, so it's not important what the details are. The important thing is shifting your focus to yourself, IME. 

He used to love me. Now he hates me. Blames me for everything. Wishes I would die. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. He is confused and in pain. It's possible to stop judging his experience, hold compassion for him and shift to holding even more compassion for yourself in this situation.  THAT you can tend to. You can cultivte healing and happiness FOR YOURSELF.  It's OK for you to be happy....even if your dh isn't OK.  If you research codependence you might see some familiar patterns come up for you. 

Things will not stay the same forever. Years, maybe, but just a few. No matter what I do or don't do, something is going to change in a few years.  Why not put all judgment on the shelf, get very still and pay attention to what's underneath this knowing you have..... things won't stay the same.

They won't and you're very wise to understand that.

In that wisdom, realize you have the power to shape your future.  You can't control anything else, but yourself and your journey.  It's OK to focus on JUST yourself...... I promise a good Trauma Informed T can guide you through the process. 


Years ago he would want to talk to me about every 2-3 weeks on the phone when I was away a long time. Now he doesn't. I could spend a year here and he'll never think about a phone call. Even last year he would text me, though, maybe not every day but more than just five words. Now he texts just a few words every few days, I answer immediately, and no response for days. Not a punishment. I think he is barely aware. Think it hasn't even occured to him. He is in a daze, barely conscious. He lives deep inside himself in a noxious bath of resentment.

One of the good things about taking better care of yourself, stating boundaries and enforcing them is.....
everyone around you will be impacted, IME.  In my case, everyone is doing better around me, learning to put their own boundaries in place by honoring the ones I put in place.  They're happier and more respectful of me. 

You can only do what you can do.

Ruminating on the things you have no control over is....... not productive. It leads to more of what you already have, IME.

Making positive changes for yourself will change those around you.  I can't promise they'll all be good changes, but you don't know till you try and you'll start feeling better in any case, IME.  You'll also be modeling self care for your DD.  That's huge!
Good luck,

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt