Being strong without JADEing

[square]

After my H had three miracle PD-free months, he came unravelled again.

And so did I.

My main FOG issue is Fear. I fear the effects of stress hormones on my body. I feel physically ill.

My preferred FFFF method is Flight, but I cannot flee due to disabilities. When I was a teen I dealt with stress by leaving, including driving to a parking lot and sitting for hours with car off, windows down, and reading. I can't do that anymore.

So I Freeze. I hide in my room and try to go unnoticed. I don't initiate any conversation at all. When things get hairy I would like to say nothing at all but that escalates things, as he sees that as rejection or something. So I MC if I'm able, and GR when I just can't.

I'm SICK OF BEING AFRAID.

So when the PD came back, I started kind of standing up for myself and DD more. I'm sick of being weak. Sick of tiptoeing around and letting him be, taking it with a soft unthreatening vacant smile.

I thought I was simply being stronger. I thought I was not JADEing. My JADE is usually Explaining and Defending.

I started asking him questions. My questions were stated in a soft, MC tone. And they pushed back. He'd say something and I'd put him on the spot somehow, asking him to confirm the crazy thing he just declared, or give an example, or explain the logic of it, or whatever. Instead of just taking it on the chin.

But after a while I realized this was a form of Arguing, though it was subtle.

It did not go well. He started complaining about what a horrible mood I'd been in lately, how mean I was. This soft spoken wife who just hides and ducks and has subsumed her life to his insanity. He sees me as shrill, furious, screaming, with a contorted face of rage.

I'm doing my summer visit to my mom and though I have weeks to go I have dreaded returning since before I left.

I feel like I can't handle ONE MORE feeling of my heart speeding up, gut clenching, having to control my breathing, having to control my face and keep it blank and kind, having to run my brain triple time to search for the right words and test them out in my head and see if they will lead to doom and make adjustments. While he can just sit there and unload. Never worry about the rage on his face. Say the first thing in his head in perfect comfort.

Anger clearly feels comfortable to him. He lives in it but it doesn't hurt him any. He doesn't avoid blowing up. He doesn't tiptoe. Doesn't rehearse his speech. Feels free to jump on anything. Feels free to have any feelings his likes, any facial expression, say any hurtful thing. They are all perfectly justified because he FEELS. But my feelings are WRONG because they make him FEEL. His behavior is entirely irrelevant, he can do ANYTHING, but if I have a feeling about it, I caused the whole problem. Because my feeling made him feel something he didn't like.

So I erase myself. No, that didn't make me feel anything! No, I'm fine! Delighted, even! I'm calm and happy and delighted to be here, and ready to help and address any and all needs, because I don't really exist!

If I'm going home and not leaving, is what I was doing before my only option? Just have to get my smile ready and open my jaw to swallow more crap with the correct, pleasant expression?

I tried to be stronger, but strength isn't in JADEing. Is there any strength or is there no way to be strong?

Jesus wouldn't take this crap. But how can I look to him as a model when he wasn't bound to a PD in marriage, when he had an authority I certainly do not?

He went to the cross.

But his cross saved us all, and my cross is just stupid.

He surrendered to the will of God. I'm surrendering to a small, crazy man.

[Starboard Song]

You are in a super hard place, and you deserve better.

There is a tactic that may help you to feel somewhat better. JADEing doesn't mean not speaking the truth. It means speaking your own, solid truth exactly once. Combined with strong boundaries it can get a lot done.

Accused of something like, "and you never ever stand up for me!" it is not JADEing to announce matter-of-factly that "it is not true that I never stand up for you, or even do so less often than would be expected." After that, your boundary might be that you won't listen to further complaints along this line.

Bless your heart, I have no idea how one enforces that boundary when you are in the house with a PD. I really don't. I hope others will have advice for you, or better words of encouragement and strength.

But be kind to yourself. You are navigating a hard river. This is actually hard, and you are doing a good job.

[1footouttadefog]

If you dread returning, do you have to?

Can you stay at your moms?

It must be awful to be in a situation where your only outlet is isolation in your room and even that brings more anger and grief your way.

I hope you find your way to better circumstances soon.

Stay strong.

[SonofThunder]

You are in a super hard place, and you deserve better.

There is a tactic that may help you to feel somewhat better. JADEing doesn't mean not speaking the truth. It means speaking your own, solid truth exactly once. Combined with strong boundaries it can get a lot done.

Accused of something like, "and you never ever stand up for me!" it is not JADEing to announce matter-of-factly that "it is not true that I never stand up for you, or even do so less often than would be expected." After that, your boundary might be that you won't listen to further complaints along this line.

Bless your heart, I have no idea how one enforces that boundary when you are in the house with a PD. I really don't. I hope others will have advice for you, or better words of encouragement and strength.

But be kind to yourself. You are navigating a hard river. This is actually hard, and you are doing a good job.

Starboard, you wrote "...it is not JADEing to announce matter-of-factly that "it is not true that I never stand up for you, or even do so less often than would be expected."

Imo, that is indeed a JADE, as it D=defended oneself and A=argued the opposite. 

You also wrote:   " After that, your boundary might be that you won't listen to further complaints along this line." 

I agree this is a boundary and I believe that additionally the boundary needs an action to assist; a pre-planned boundary action to coincide, so the accused person knows in advance as to the boundary action that they will take in the difficult moment. 

"Won't listen" is difficult to achieve if the PD is standing in the same room continually making accusations.  Therefore imo, the boundary could be "when I hear untrue accusations, I will not JADE with a response, but will state that I do not desire to be in the same room with someone who is accusing me of wrongdoing, and walk out.   If the accuser follows and continues to accuse, then step 2 boundary comes into play, and so on.

Square, I'm so sorry you are once again, finding yourself in such a difficult spot.

SoT

[SeaBreeze]

I am sorry you are being put in this position and have to cope with all this.

In my experience with my uNPDh, there is sometimes a fine line between MC/no JADE versus walking on eggshells. I did the latter for years and suffered greatly. Whereas the MC that I use nowadays feels more empowered. For me, the difference is I am very neutrally detached now from PDs moods and volatile behavior, whereas during the eggshell years I was very much caught up in his whirlwind of emotions. I focus more now on how *I* feel rather than deciphering how *he* feels.

The eggshell tiptoe dance is more reactive; MC is more pro-active. But yes, there are days where I feel I'm still dancing around H's crap, nonetheless, empowered use of the tools or not. I also get the unfairness of wondering why I have to even use "the tools" wheres H continues doing whatever the heck he wants. But then I see I'm a better, stronger person than I used to be, while H remains emotionally stuck in his perpetual PD adolescence.

I agree with SoT that boundaries are key on our end. That was the game changer that has better defined my journey from fawning/placating to MC/no JADE. I understand all too well that sick feeling, and will say I feel it a lot less than I used to. When I do feel the bile rising, I listen to my gut --both the literal and figurative gut -- and step back for my own health, not H's .

Also agree with 1foot - do you have to go back? I know both choices are hard. Hoping you find some peace and reprieve, wherever you may be right now.   

[Free2Bme]

 

square,
I am sorry to hear of your situation, it's so painful and mind-bending to be in these sorts of relationships.  It feels unfair when they can get away with so much damage. 

I hope you will take as much time as you need while visiting your mom to decompress, it sounds like you are already processing in a clear way.  Maybe you can journal.  It helps me to see things in B/W and write down preemptively what I will and will not do going forward.  I was not able to get this head space when I was under the same roof with updxh.

When I struggle to understand pd abuse in the context of my faith, it's helpful to read Proverbs and Psalms or any of the wisdom literature.

~Be good to yourself

[square]

Thank you for all of your replies.

Sometimes if he is being super invalidating, I will state some truth (like "it's okay for me to have feelings").  He will of course immediately squash it and I drop it but sometimes I feel like I need to say it out loud or go crazy. Sometimes I can tell he knows I am right, but is just being reactive.

I can't stay at my mom's, she lives 1,000 miles away and I can't take DD away from her friends and school and everything, and I can't leave her.

I don't know if I may need to redefine being strong/courageous. I don't know precisely what my goal would be in terms of feeling strong. I do not expect to prevail. I guess I wanted to not feel sick or bent or affected or something like that. But maybe that is not realistic, or maybe achieving that comes at too high a cost. Like, maybe I could do it if I became sadistic. But of course I do not want that, at all.

I don't know if one can be so centered and balanced that one could parry this darkness away. But I don't know if I'm missing something.

I think I've become about as centered as I can as a flawed human being.

I do like writing my thoughts to help me process. But I loathe writing about my husband. It feels like handling poison. I have gotten bery good at "amnesia" and when some memories pop up it hurts so bad. If I am ever free of him I don't know if I could handle the memories, hope they will just stay sunk.

Man I sound like such a whiner. It sounds like my memories are of some terrible abuse. The hurt is just, like, I dunno. Finding out I am in fact unloved, unvalued.

I mention from time to time that I don't feel like I fit in here. Because I feel like I married a different man. Not a mask. Not a lovebomber. A good, loving man. One who still exists under the layers of some organic disease. I love my husband. Sometimes I see him, a bit. I don't believe in demon possession but it's like another entity has kidnapped him.

He used to love me. Now he hates me. Blames me for everything. Wishes I would die. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. He is confused and in pain.

Things will not stay the same forever. Years, maybe, but just a few. No matter what I do or don't do, something is going to change in a few years.

Years ago he would want to talk to me about every 2-3 weeks on the phone when I was away a long time. Now he doesn't. I could spend a year here and he'll never think about a phone call. Even last year he would text me, though, maybe not every day but more than just five words. Now he texts just a few words every few days, I answer immediately, and no response for days. Not a punishment. I think he is barely aware. Think it hasn't even occured to him. He is in a daze, barely conscious. He lives deep inside himself in a noxious bath of resentment.

[Boat Babe]

Dear square, you describe a horrible situation and I really feel for you. I want to raise the question of your DD. You say that you can't take her away from her school, friends etc.  I would like to gently challenge that statement.

Your DD can't be happy and healthy in the family situation you describe. No matter how much love and energy you put into trying to protect her, the toxicity will leak through. Also you are modelling behaviour that I am sure you would not want her to replicate in her adult life. On the Adverse Childhood Experiences scale, living with Domestic Abuse is one of the ten factors. Lastly, for a child to live with abuse of one parent by another is considered to be abusive in and of itself.

It's all so awful to contemplate.

My very strong opinion is that it is in the children's interest for the non abusive spouse/partner to leave an abusive relationship, be it with a PD or just an ordinary jerk.

My uBPDm took me and fled when I was six (which is why I put up with her waify crap some 60 years later). Our lives were really tough for many years after due to poverty but I remember the relief, even as a little kid, of being away from the violence. My mother chose the lesser of two evils and I will always be grateful for that.

I get that it's hard. ❤️

[square]

Thank you, Boat Babe.

I might leave. But feel it would be necessary to stay in town, rather than go to my mom's.

If I asked DD - and no, of course I won't - she would say she would want to stay, in her house, with her mom and dad.

It does affect her. Her dad is, I dunno, a beloved dog that sometimes turns and bites. She still wants to be with the dog.

She will drive next year. This may change the calculus in some way.

[Boat Babe]

I'm glad that she is coping well.

Can't you take that dog to the vet's?   

[square]

There is a perfect storm preventing the dog going to the vet.

Damaged insight due to deterioration of frontal cortex, a childhood of various diagnoses and the constant message that there was something wrong with him, his suicidal ideation (he has said more than once that if he were R Williams he would have done the same thing for the same reason), and the fact that minor tasks of life like doctor appointments are now very difficult for him.

I'm not clear on what he thinks. I think it shifts. Sometimes he thinks he's fine, the problem is the world. He does label himself as mentally ill but I'm not sure exactly what symptoms he is thinking of when he does so. I think I asked him once and I think he just said, isn't it obvious. But I think it was also wrapped up in the childhood wound of being diagnosed with all manner of learning disorfers and the like, school saying there was something wrong with him. When probably it was PTSD.

He thinks he is broken. He protects himself against this idea, to the death.

[bloomie]

square - it is truly heartbreaking to think of you in such pain. I am so sorry things have circled back around to such painful choices on your H's part and what sounds like an unwillingness to get medical/psychological help he may need. Despite the issues of his childhood it might be time to key in on his need for evaluation and treatment, but that is not what your question is here.

A couple of things that came to mind as I was reading through your thread... the best way I know to handle verbal abuse is to remove yourself from the room. That is not weak and taking it. That is empowered and making a strong statement (verbally or nonverbally) about what does and does not work for you.

It reads, from what you have shared here, that your H is highly reactive to emotional responses and by acting out and engaging you he may find 'relief' by dumping his emotions on you for you to 'handle'.

By staying neutral and refusing to take on emotions that are not yours to manage- using the tools, calmly leaving a room or calmly saying what you need to say, one time, and living out your right to have emotions and thoughts of your own and acting upon your human rights, you begin to reclaim your personhood in your own domaine and in your own heart and mind.

Learning to asks ourselves if entering into a discussion or engaging in what may very well be disordered and possibly highly distorted mental/verbal processes of another person is productive, has become key for me in these kinds of moments. That is empowered and logical and a good place to find your position in all of this.

I guess in a nutshell... if you are going to choose to stay in the situation for the time being learning to be okay when he is not okay, learning to leave his feelings to him, moving away from cutting remarks and untrue accusations is going to be your very important work. And I honestly, hate it for you that you are even hearing such ugly things.

Understanding enmeshment, codependency, and enabling has been really good, cleansing work in my own relationships and may be enlightening for you as well.

Building into your life times away - out of the house even for a few hours regularly doing things you enjoy can also lift you up in all of this.

Making a place in your home that is a refuge... maybe it is your room that you leave to, but making it a peaceful refuge as much as you possibly can is another thought that came to me.

Finding an in real life support community - a church group, Coda group... could also be another spoke in the wheel of your own healing and help sustain you.

And the last thing I would suggest to you is that you think about talking all of this through with a domestic violence counselor who can help you assess your risks and options. What you are describing is serious and ongoing and not what you and your daughter deserve. None of us here have any idea what is best and right for you and your daughter only that we are here to support you as you navigate what is truly hard.

https://www.thehotline.org

I also suggest working through this free resource The Mosaic Method as a way to assess risk and threat within your home environment:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

I am sorry you are hurting. I am thankful you shared this deep pain with us. I have hope you will find resources and help and some peace in all of this.

[square]

Despite the issues of his childhood it might be time to key in on his need for evaluation and treatment

Setting aside his issues... one thing I am stuck on is insurance, specifically LTC. If he will need that I need to get him insured before pursuing any medical evaluation. Our income is very limited so this is no small thing. I feel really stuck on this question. I also don't see how we could afford to insure us both but not sure how to get him to agree to insure only him. If you remove the suspicions about his condition, it's awfully selfish to say I want to insure him but not me.

the best way I know to handle verbal abuse is to remove yourself from the room. That is not weak and taking it. That is empowered and making a strong statement (verbally or nonverbally) about what does and does not work for you.

Agreed, but this escalates as he feels rejected, ignored, dismissed, invalidated. He has been making an effort over the past year or so to leave the room when I put my hands up and ask him to stop. Meltdowns also aren't as frequent anymore because we hardly interact. But the stress still lingers somehow. I also asked him to stop his parting shots where he would say the most cutting things he could dream up, and he has stopped, with obvious effort.

It reads, from what you have shared here, that your H is highly reactive to emotional responses and by acting out and engaging you he may find 'relief' by dumping his emotions on you for you to 'handle'.

Yeah, that's exactly it. He gets emotionally flooded and lashes out. In his current state, with physical stressors, he has trouble self soothing. So he dumps it on me.

He has taken it on himself to bring fewer problems to me, has explained he has been tryng to do that. Things like his OCD, he would like me to make a decision for him because his brain keeps short circuiting, it's agonizing for him. He has another coping mechanism for that which doesn't involve me.

See, this is why I feel differently from others here. His behavior is definitely problematic and he doesn't see all of it, but what he sees, he admits, takes responsibility for, and puts forth visible effort. He struggles.

By staying neutral and refusing to take on emotions that are not yours to manage- using the tools, calmly leaving a room or calmly saying what you need to say, one time, and living out your right to have emotions and thoughts of your own and acting upon your human rights, you begin to reclaim your personhood in your own domaine and in your own heart and mind.

I think I am about as good as I can get at MC, and have also stopped taking responsibility for him and his messes (though he landed in a major problem a few months ago and I did rush into my supportive mode, sigh, though I guess I don't see any drawbacks really since he still owned his responsibility for the problem).

But reclaiming my personhood, that's my problem. I need to stop hiding and start living my life. Work on my own projects and goals. Some might be more possible next year when DD drives. She would probably be willing to drive me to the gym twice a week, for example. Or, right now I feel like I can't declutter because I can't drop bags at Goodwill, but she can help.

But even beyond transport, I feel far too afraid. Of what? I think two things.

1. Simply increasing interaction. The more I'm out and about in the house, the more potential for running into him, or waking him up, or whatever. And if he's in a mood, I don't want to be there.
2. Being open to criticism. If he sees me doing a project, he might feel threatened somehow and take some sort of shot at my waste of time or whatever. This is really NO BIG DEAL. It's not worth ending my life over. I just feel so drained. I have nothing extra to protect myself. If I had a layer, it would just bounce off. My layer has worn completely away. Little shots hit right in my heart. I don't know how to deal with this.

BTW the first issue is also NBD. I'm making it sound like he will jump me around a corner and start screaming. No. Most of the time he will just ignore me.

But his aura of darkness just... scares me somehow. "I can't light no more of his darkness." I've got to stop this in ME. I am more afraid than the sutuation calls for.

I just feel EMPTY, I've got NOTHING. The smallest shot feels devestating. A grumpy look on his face ruins my day. This is MY PROBLEM.

if you are going to choose to stay in the situation for the time being learning to be okay when he is not okay, learning to leave his feelings to him, moving away from cutting remarks and untrue accusations is going to be your very important work.

You know, it makes me sympathetic to his issues that if *I* have trouble self soothing after one of hos cutting remarks, not because I don't have that skill at all but because my tank is empty, then he too has difficulty. Oh, I'm well aware that this is NO excuse to hurt ME. Just that I can see a person can be stripped of the inner resources to cope.

I think the "mental illness" comes in where he perceives a threat that isn't there.

Building into your life times away - out of the house even for a few hours regularly doing things you enjoy can also lift you up in all of this.

Makes sense, but being out is difficult and draining. What I would like is time alone in my house. When I can just be myself, nobody making demands of me (DD drains me with constant demands for food, sigh), I can move around the house freely and be productive.

I get this time very rarely. H is a hermit and always home if not at work. DD is always home when he is at work.

Making a place in your home that is a refuge... maybe it is your room that you leave to, but making it a peaceful refuge as much as you possibly can is another thought that came to me.

I do have that, thankfully. My own room.

Finding an in real life support community - a church group, Coda group... could also be another spoke in the wheel of your own healing and help sustain you.

Agreed. I feel I need some space at home to recharge myself before being able to go out, though. I am legally deaf and blind, so going places and interacting with people is exhausting.

And the last thing I would suggest to you is that you think about talking all of this through with a domestic violence counselor who can help you assess your risks and options. What you are describing is serious and ongoing and not what you and your daughter deserve. None of us here have any idea what is best and right for you and your daughter only that we are here to support you as you navigate what is truly hard.

Oh boy. I've reached out to two local resources and was shocked at the non existant quality of the "help." I could write a huge post about the problematic interactions, from a medical pro laughing me off to a DV counselor engaging in a hostile argument over an opinion I had, to the DV group answering my question of what resources they could offer by saying, basically, nothing. Oh, and though when they took my number I told them they couldn't call me (lest my H know) they CALLED and LEFT A MESSAGE including saying who they were!!!!!! I called back, reamed them out, they were mostly interested in avoiding admitting anything, and I never contacted them again.

I also suggest working through this free resource The Mosaic Method as a way to assess risk and threat within your home environment:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

I will do that!

I am sorry you are hurting. I am thankful you shared this deep pain with us. I have hope you will find resources and help and some peace in all of this.


Thank you!!! Sorry for the overlong post. I do that.

[square]

I'm having amnesia or something.

A few months ago H went through something and I was very supportive. The issue is something that will continue for a while (not forever). At some point I realized that once again I had emotionally rushed to his side when je needed me, which is fine except if I was in a spot when I needed him, he would not be able to be there for me. He would theoretically want to but not be capable. As soon as he is stressed, he crumbles, and takes it out on me. Even if the stress is that I had a medical emergency or something. (Can think of a couple of occasions).

Anyway, his stressor came to somewhat of a resolution yesterday and he is relieved. He thanked me for my support, which I appreciated. He also apologized for all the trouble a couple of times. The first time I said it was no problem. The second time I admitted it was sometimes hard.

I was struggling because I don't know how to respond. The expected response is that it's no problem. To be clear, the trouble was something that he caused, though not at all on purpose, so it wasn't as straighforward as him getting sick or something. I am not angry with him, but it IS hard dealing with his emotional and mental stuff

Anyway, I guess I wanted to gently say it could be hard, didn't feel great about just saying it was just no problem whatsoever. I'm not angry, I just... I don't want to pretend and have him keep taking me for granted.

Well the BPDish part of him was twanged by that. He stayed calm but I could hear it hurt. We were on the phone and it wasn't private so we just moved on.

But the weird thing is, my brain short circuited. If he had asked me right then, well, what's so hard? What do I do to you?

I would have choked. I would have come up with some petty complaint or something and looked like I was an awful wife. Like, ot's hard being married to you because that one time you blah blah blah.

24 hours later, same thing. I know something is wrong but I can't explain it.

Why am I complaining?

I'm so confused.

[1footouttadefog]

You know it's wrong and what is not right by intuition.  Your gut is informing you and you know it's hard even if you cannot put it into words.

Don't doubt yourself.  You don't have amnesia.  You my have abuse amnesia.  This is where you get used to sweeping things under the carpet so to speak and moving on.  Where you don't allow yourself to feel or enumerate things or you absorb them as if you were to blame.


I recommend that if you have not read it, that you find the 100 traits list one this website in the resources and read through then and mark what is present in the relationship.

It gave me words for what I felt and J ew was hard and not right about  my relationship. 

It helped my eyes open in many ways.

[The Inner Light]

Square: 

Thank you for sharing your very difficult situation you've been enduring.  I sincerely hope you're able to get to a place that's healthier for you however it may be.

I'm new to this and learning as much as I can.  One of the hardest things I've come across is JADE or more accurately, not JADE-ing with someone who has NPD.  Why?  Because JADE is natural, expected and respected when communicating with a non-PD person.  Think about it.  That's often how healthy conversations work.  It's called debate, exchange of ideas, supporting one's position, a "back and forth". 

"I believe [          ] because....".               
"I disagree.  I think it's more important to [           ] because...".                   
"I understand what you're saying, but what about [          ]?"

^Those are all examples of communication that are absolutely normal and natural.  So much so, that it seems very unnatural, uncomfortable and nearly impossible to refrain from JADE.  I do understand that saying such normal/natural things to a person with PD only feeds their fire, starts circular arguments, etc.

The difficulty in trying not to JADE with a PD person can't be understated in my opinion because:

JADE with a non-PD person is normal, healthy, natural and expected.
JADE with a PD person causes continual problems and feeds into the abuse cycle to the point that you really can't engage in normal, healthy and natural communication with a PD person.

[square]

Yeah. You're right.

I didn't JADE out loud but I did in my head and the programmed Voice took care of the DARVO.



DD went home and I am staying just a bit longer. H has been trying to do stuff with DD, and she is happy about it. He can't keep it up but he does demonstrate that he wants to. When he feels better or has a break, he uses that energy to try to be who he wants to be, which is a caring and engaged person.  He just can't keep it up. And the real problem is that he copes with that by lashing out externally. Because he feels broken and worthless so he can't stand the idea he might be even more broken.

[square]

I was just thinking... it's difficult for me to integrate my thoughts/feelings about H because HE is not integrated.

It feels like multiple personalities. No wonder I feel different ways about him, if he is like different people.

I know for a true BPD it's about the IDD cycle but for H it's more like sometimes he's relatively sane and often he is "gone" and sometimes he is literally psychotic. I don't think PD is his primary problem, just that his management of stress is expressed through PD traits.

With actual BPD it's a roller coaster and feels like different people on the surface but once you figure it out you can see the same person with the same agenda and needs and behavior throughout. You just see the lovebombing through a different lens when you realize it's not about you or love or connection but some unfillable well of need. I was able to "integrate" my BPD BFF in this way in my mind, and she came together as a single person. It is not a happy thing but a relief.

But I just can't imtegrate my H. He doesn't fit together into one whole. I think about a time he is caring - not lovebombing but just honest and wanting to fix things, wanting what is best for me and DD, not for his selfish agenda but for love. And then these memories (many many of them but I just squash them away) of someone who just could not be that same guy. Someone willing to sacrifice us for some nonexistant benefit, the ability to blame us for a thing that doesn't need any blame at all.

[1footouttadefog]

My previous post should read

.... What I KNEW and felt....

I dont want anyone to think my ill typed sentence was a negative comment or reference toward a person, religion or ethnicity. 

[square]

I just feel really stressed.

My Dad is inhospital with covid and they are talking about moving him to ICU tonight.

Yesterday my H just laid into me for an hour out of nowhere. I didn't get as upset as I used to years ago, but teah, after a while it was getting to me.

My MIL is chasing me down bc H won't reply to her texts or calls and keeps telling her dates he'll visit but not asking for time off work. This has been going on for months. I managed to stay mostly out of it but made a mistake and got myself in the middle. I am holding boundaries with things like what time I will talk but she keeps pushing and pushing and getting frantic. I've tried to wiggle out of this stupid phone call bc I am not responsible for H but she keeps throwing out other things she "needs" to discuss with me. Yeah I could flat out say no I will not speak to her, but not really excited about blowing everything up. And she'll remember it f o r e v e r. If H isn't going NC officially then I'm just going to MC.

I just feel the stress in my stomach, my heart fluttery. I'm trying to just distract and stuff it down. Maybe I can fool my brain but I can't fool my body.

And I have to keep it all together for the kid.

Oh, and H tends to explode when I'm stressed. I dunno, my whole purpose in life is to reduce his anxiety and when I'm malfunctioning he loses it.

Also, I have no empathy. None. He keeps saying that. I just wonder how many times he thinks I've been able to come to him for a shred of support, help, anything. If he "helps" eg grocery shops or mows the lawn or anything else I owe him an unpayable debt for, well, it's not a gift. It comes with a huge cost. His anger, resentment. A free pass to blame me for his entire sorry life. But god forbid I not be available in every way at every moment for any support and sympathy he needs.