Holiday roll call

[Coyote23]

Hi everyone. I'm becoming self-aware enough to recognize, ''tis then season to feel emotionally wobbly.

I thought we could use this thread to check in and discuss any challenges we might face over the holidays. It could be a place we could go if things get fraught, lonely or dicey in our respective situations and families. And we could be a source of cheer and community in these challenges.

My PD parents are deceased, I have been scapegoated and cut off by my extended family and my siblings, and I've slowly disconnected from a number of really toxic friends.

I have a good marriage and a wonderful kid. I have a great step kid with an extremely toxic uPD bio mom, and I help my husband manage the intricacies of that situation.

My mom's estate hasn't been settled because of more red tape. I've done all I can and just have to wait for the lawyers to work it out. My brother recently sent me an email blaming me for the delay.

In the quiet of no contact, I'm feeling all the loss, sadness, waste, anger, and everything else that is part of the larger grieving that goes with recovery. I know I'm better off not being a scapegoat, but I haven't adjusted to the quiet and the absence of the relationships. I'm seeing my therapist again after a long break, keeping my obligations light, and allowing myself a lot of time to just be. I only have 18 months before stepson is an adult and hs grad and that means my husband no longer has to do the crappy dance with ss's manipulative mom.

I sometimes get depressed and it makes me feel less present with my immediate family. This is something I would like to work on. In the past I went off the deep end trying to make up for lost time and have the perfect holidays. Other times I have felt so down that I didn't want to do anything. This year I'm striving for a happy medium and to only do things that spark joy, to borrow a phrase from Marie Kondo.

What about you??? What are your challenges; how are you coping?

[Poison Ivy]

Hi, Coyote23. I have been divorced for 5 1/2 years, but my ex ditched me to be his parents' caregiver a few years earlier. Our children are adults and live far away. Between already living alone and the COVID-19 shutdowns, I have been very isolated from other human beings. For the most part, I don't  mind living alone. However, every once in awhile, I think, "Wow, this is going to be my life until I die." Regarding the holidays, it is somewhat challenging for me to make the transition from my lifestyle of not having to pretend that I'm not depressed or anxious or whatever to seeming "normal" when my children are here.

[Andeza]

This is the first major family holiday we've had since we moved here. The in-laws were originally going to fly out to visit, but we ended up going NC with them a few months ago. Okay, well we'll just spend it with my dad then. But then I got sick and the kids got sick so that was it.

I'm pretty bummed. I think part of that is because we moved earlier this year too so it's the combination of new place and only one familiar face in the area.

In some ways it was freeing though. No waiting on chronically late people to finish the turkey three hours after it should have been done, no mil freaking out about crumbs on her floor, no perfect family photo merely hiding the dysfunction.

Just us. Dh and I and our kids... And dad dropping turkey off on our doorstep, lol.

[Amadahy]

What a thoughtful thread, Coyote23.  Thank you.

I crashed five years ago and am still struggling.  For 47 years, I told myself I could one day find a secret formula to make Nmom "okay," but when I finally had to realize that was never going to be the case, I crashed .... and hard.  Before that, I was the one who pulled holiday times together with the big meals, the sweet cozy decorating, the whole nine yards.  For the past five years, it's been "meh."  I actually do absolutely nothing but cook.  I think the sadness comes through my cooking ... doesn't even taste good to me, although none goes to waste with DH and three sons.  I, too, have an amazing FOC and know that they're getting the scraps of me, so I hope to heal enough that I no longer feel that's the case.  I do have c-ptsd and was making some headway with a wonderful counselor, but she moved away and I haven't found a suitable replacement.  So, with a "meh" Thanksgiving under my belt, Nmom in long-term care with mid-level dementia, and many active symptoms of c-ptsd giving me fits, I might settle for just surviving at this point.  I do have a warm home and all of life's necessities, so I am supremely thankful.  Maybe for Christmas, I will ask for hope and try to believe I can get better.  Warmest holiday wishes to all.  xoxo

[Boat Babe]

Wow, what a snapshot into people's lives. You all write really well btw. Must be all that journaling 😁

I am coming off anti depressants after 20+ years and so far so good. My job at the domestic abuse charity is a total gift; the kids I work with, my colleagues and much learning about trauma and how to respond. Amazing actually. The boat still floats and the dog's nose is shiny. My son is doing his thing, being a writer. (so proud). I'm still grieving the end of my last relationship. The break up hit me much harder, and for longer, than I anticipated. Back to those old childhood wounds again, my old friends Rejection and Loneliness. At least I didn't have the additional burden of PD damage to deal with as he was not that. So Christmas will be just me and uBPDmum: can't wait.  If you read my recent vent about mum, she is now totally cool about coming up. Like nothing happened.

[11JB68]

This is a great idea. I have so many layers with this. Starting with... I chose nc with updm years ago which resulted in NC with entire foo.
Even though this is for the best I still feel orphaned, and holidays feel.... Lonely.... Or just lacking something despite the good people and good aspects that I try to emphasize

[Liketheducks]

Emotionally wobbly......that is definitely me.   
I've been VLC with mom for about 4 years.   Dad is also VLC.      The holidays are hard for me with family drama that always seems to flare up this time of year.   The holidays were full of huge family gatherings.   Lots of fights, lots of food, lots of dysfunction.   
Three years ago, my husband had an affair this time of year.   She was a "friend".   My husband and I have found a beautiful new space, more connected than ever....more skills than ever.   I am grateful for the greater connection - certainly not how we got here.   
I've been trying to create new memories.   New traditions.   New versions of holiday recipes.   And, mostly I did great over Thanksgiving.    But, I feel like I'm in the midst of an emotional hangover.   I don't want to do anything or see anyone.     I'm sure it is a form of self-isolation and not good...but I have no motivation right now.   

[moglow]

Also a wobbler 🙋 Our extended family fell apart when the grandparents passed years ago. So much damage had been done by mother and the twisted sisters that all bonds were frayed beyond repair. Since then we've seen cousins at funerals and even those were dramatic performances no one needed. Next generation - MD played divide and conquer all our lives, burned all four of us down in one way or another, so we don't do holidays within our family either. I'm terminally single, a true choice at this point, always feel on the outside looking in even when with friends.

The lead up and after discussions of "what are y'all doing/what did you do for x holiday" are painful. Being around the happy shopping families, painful. The decorating, gatherings, parties - same. It's isolating and not in a good way. Every year, I just want it to be over so people will stop their expectations of what they want mine to be. I volunteer where I can and hide out when I can't.

And so I wobble.

[Coyote23]

Thanks for all of your stories. I feel less alone. Can you/we/I try to plan things not as a way to celebrate or check some "I'm normal " box but as a strategy, to avoid going to a bad place in our minds?

I find I need to plan SOMETHING to avoid sinking deep into depression and grief. But from there it's easy to go overboard and then everything goes to shot because we are tired and cranky and I feel resentful.

So we did this holiday drive through light show.

And im trying to find an online livestream of the nutcracker.

And we will plan special meals and watch some movies.

Maybe we can do a hike on NYD.

I'd like to have dinner with maybe one friend/family we know.

None of us want much for gifts because we just spent 2 years buying what we need to keep us occupied in the house and there's nothing left that anyone needs besides updated clothes for the real world.

So I'm going to ask you guys what your plan is and please know it's not the fake social kind of brag/asking that moglow eloquently described. I want to know how we get through the tough time.

One thing I do is celebrate the Winter Solstice. It had nothing to do with my FOO and is a holiday we make our own, by celebrating it as both a science event and a return of the light.

[Rocketman]

Thanks for starting this thread and for the term emotional wobble, I'm sure many of us have been pondering/feeing that a lot. I took a vacation just me and my wife for Thanksgiving this year. We wanted some peace and some genuine joy. I was given space by my FOO, no guilting, no overt comments, but I know they're waiting for my "phase" to be over, and the middle one is slowly trying to have more of his own space although he is in limbo between individuating and being in the FOG.

I really liked my vacation but I thought frequently in the quiet moments about all of the sugarcoated nonsense during these times that fuels narcissistic behavior and the toll it takes on codependents like me needing some space. We are told to take care of ourselves but if we don't want phony baloney we're somehow the bad guys.

Then you'll see articles/commercials/skits all poking fun at the "crazy uncle" or "invasive aunt" or the year round classic, "horrible in-laws" with a conveniently blind eye to the fact all of these people society seems to consider to be terrible VERY LIKELY HAVE KIDS. Do they get a pass from the standpoint of being parents? If they abuse their kids in the ways that make your holiday experience miserable, that's just not a problem? Sorry for the rant but it's one of the things that's contributed to the wobble recently, probably doesn't help that I read a Jeff Vandermeer novel on the flights which really dive into existentialism related concepts  thanks for the space to get it out.

[Penny Lane]

Thanks for this topic! I just posted something on the coparenting board about how my stepkids' mom tries her best to ruin our holidays and does damage to the kids in the process.

I was able to have a somewhat honest discussion with DSS14 about this. I said that I'd noticed his mom gets "extra stressed" (putting it VERY MILDLY) around the holidays. He said he has noticed that too.

I worry that the kids are going to look back on their childhoods and hate the holidays. We try our best to make them a calm, happy time. But it's hard when they're forced into stress and chaos half the time.

I realized today how stressed I am about this, how worried about the kids. They deserve a mom who doesn't make her own unhappiness into their problem! You all deserved the same thing.

Hugs to everyone. I hope we can all make this holiday season into what we need, despite the PDs.

[Coyote23]

This might seem really off-topic, but when I get bummed out, I look at Britney Spears' Instagram. She just got freed from her 13 year conservatorship (with her family being her conservators) despite the fact that she's been stable and working for most of that time. She posts pictures of herself in her favorite outfits, and photos of her tree. The woman is overjoyed to be chilling at home, watching holiday specials on TV, lighting candles and putting up a tree. The combination of her being free from her narcissistic captors and enjoying very simple holiday pleasures feels very healing to me. 😊

[Poison Ivy]

Not-fun holiday activity: going to my mom's house on Thanksgiving with my very old dog, who gets anxious when away from our home. I stayed for a few hours, left before the meal, and felt worn out from being on alert with the dog the entire time.

Enjoyable holiday activity: having a video call with my ex and our two adult children the day after Thanksgiving.

Another enjoyable holiday activity: My cable provider had a free-HBO week, and I caught up on one TV show that I usually have to wait to watch on DVD ("Succession": narcs galore!) and watched a movie.

[11JB68]

Over the years due to foo issues on my side and on Updh side we've found ways to celebrate with friends instead. (Sometimes if stuck in the house with Updh and no distractions it's been unbearable so I try to find folks we can celebrate with)... DS especially seems to enjoy this.

[Stillirise]

Thank you for this thread.  I'm home with an illness today, which may be the reason for the especially somber mood, but this was already on my mind.

I don't talk much here about my FOO, because my primary issue has been with my uPDxh.  However, now that the time has come to establish or, in some cases, re-establish new family traditions for the children and myself, it's opening up some new (old?) stuff.

I use "classically" dysfunctional to describe my FOO. No overt PD's, and after being married to one, I'm thankful for that.  My M is a wonderful person, but a classic co-dependent. My F was the product of an abusive home, and was an alcoholic. M catered to, and put up with his behaviors for too many years, IMO.  F is deceased, and mom is remarried, to a truly lovely gentleman.  However, again, she is entirely laser focused on his needs, his family, etc.  Even he sees it, and has mentioned it.

One thing the updxh came with was a large family, with established family holiday traditions.  They weren't always smooth, but they were basically predictable and were wrapped in all the trimmings. While I'm glad I don't have to attend those now, I am somewhat at a loss of what to do instead.

M defers to SF's DD's first, for all holiday planning.  I know it's not intentional, and I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I end up feeling like my children and I are an afterthought.  While I'm sure  we would be welcomed in the step family's gatherings, the children and I would feel like outsiders.  The SS's and I were adults, with our own families, by the time our parents got married. Plus, for years, I went to my in-laws, and M went to their place for the holidays.  M and SF would meet up with us to celebrate at some other random time, if at all. I also have 2 siblings from F's first marriage. We all get along well, but they have their M, and their own families.  It's very difficult to try and plan around all the conflicting schedules.

After reading other stories here, I do feel a bit childish for wanting something more from M at this point in life.  This is where the emotional wobble gets me.  I'm so thankful for how far I've come, and for the things I am able to do for my own children.  At the same time, I feel a sense of loneliness and sometimes even abandonment, when it comes to FOO, even though I know that's not their intent. Then, I feel guilty for feeling that way, because I know things could be so much worse!

It definitely helps me to plan activities with the children.  Watching them revel in the joys of the season is really THE main attraction for me.  I make an advent calendar for them, which started today.  They each get a small treat, but also have something they have to do for someone else each day.  Today it was "make someone smile."  So,  to all!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks for this thread - exactly what I need now.  "Tis the season to be wobbly, falalalala lalalala" ... I love it!

For me, feeling mostly grief, and some anxiety/fear, very vulnerable.   Also longing.    I'm living alone, still isolated due to Covid precautions.  A "fix" from my Pdx calls to me.   We've been completely NC for almost 2 years.   It would be so comforting to talk, it seems.   I can't imagine anything in the world that would feel better than hearing from him right now, at least in the short term.  I'm in a really scary situation healthwise with a very poor prognosis.  I have some support, but no one to actually walk through it with me the way a spouse/partner could.

If I thought I could get away with maintaining very limited contact, I'd probably do it.  But he's very "sticky," manipulative, and a boundary crasher.    It's like that metaphor of choosing to dance with an 800 lb gorilla.  It doesn't stop until the gorilla decides it's over.  (The gorilla here being mostly whatever unhealthy, codependent, trauma-based tendencies I have that keep me trapped with someone like him.)  It would be so unwise.  But that's what calls to me when I'm wobbly.

It's so, so good to be able to voice these things here.  I wouldn't worry my loved ones talking about it with them.  They'd be horrified.  And they wouldn't understand like people here do.  Thank you all.  And love & blessings during the holidays and beyond.   

[Boat Babe]

Thanks for this thread - exactly what I need now.  "Tis the season to be wobbly, falalalala lalalala" ... I love it!

For me, feeling mostly grief, and some anxiety/fear, very vulnerable.   Also longing.    I'm living alone, still isolated due to Covid precautions.  A "fix" from my Pdx calls to me.   We've been completely NC for almost 2 years.   It would be so comforting to talk, it seems.   I can't imagine anything in the world that would feel better than hearing from him right now, at least in the short term.  I'm in a really scary situation healthwise with a very poor prognosis.  I have some support, but no one to actually walk through it with me the way a spouse/partner could.

If I thought I could get away with maintaining very limited contact, I'd probably do it.  But he's very "sticky," manipulative, and a boundary crasher.    It's like that metaphor of choosing to dance with an 800 lb gorilla.  It doesn't stop until the gorilla decides it's over.  (The gorilla here being mostly whatever unhealthy, codependent, trauma-based tendencies I have that keep me trapped with someone like him.)  It would be so unwise.  But that's what calls to me when I'm wobbly.

It's so, so good to be able to voice these things here.  I wouldn't worry my loved ones talking about it with them.  They'd be horrified.  And they wouldn't understand like people here do.  Thank you all.  And love & blessings during the holidays and beyond.   

Buckets of love to you. LtbF ❤️

[moglow]

It's so, so good to be able to voice these things here.  I wouldn't worry my loved ones talking about it with them.  They'd be horrified.  And they wouldn't understand like people here do.  Thank you all.  And love & blessings during the holidays and beyond.   

All same same from my little corner of the asylum to all of you! I see your hug and raise you one massive group hug 

[1footouttadefog]

No big glitches here just a little of the small annoyance level stuff. 

I leveled down and went a bit more casual to help keep things manageable and that helped.

[JustKeepTrying]

Hello from my wobbly corner of the world.

I just finished a six week solo camping trip.  It was a trial to see if I could get it going full-time.  But I saw the look on my DSs face when I sent him off to college.  So I kept my place for the holidays so he would have somewhere to go for his first college winter break.  Next week we are going to do some time in the sun and then back to our bleary part of the world for the actual holidays.

When he is here we have become more roommates than parent/child.  He comes and goes as he pleases and if he has time - we have dinner together.  I have no decorations up and no other plans. 

The past few holidays have been hard - by myself and feeling very depressed.  I really miss the Christmas mornings where we would wake and do presents - with my grandchildren.  But this year, I offered to go them and make it easier on my daughters.  This way they don't have to decide who to spend it with.  My parents did that for me when they were alive and I really appreciated it.

I am finally growing closer to two of my siblings.  My ex hated them so we didn't see them often.  But since the divorce, I have seen them and we talk a great deal.  I do have two other NPDsibs and I am no contact with them - an occasional text on holidays.  That is fine with me.

So I will wobble this Christmas but I am looking forward to future Christmas's where I will decide where I want to spend it not dependent on anyone else's desires - a real joy after 56 years of making it happy for everyone else (I don't miss the anxiety of creating a perfect holiday).  In the future, my DS who will be 21 then can decide where he wants to go - and I am OK if it isn't with me. 

In some small ways, I feel I am growing up and keeping in touch with that strong young woman I used to be.  But I still wobble

Great thread.