How far did you move for NC?

[mary_poppins]

There is another thread about this topic here but I can't find it, so I'm asking you now: how far did you move from your abusers to go NC? Does physical distance matter to you? (eg moving to a totally different city so they can't show up at your place when you least expect it)
I've watched a video about no contact and the guy advised victims to change their environment entirely, because, if they bump into the abuser, say, in a shop, in the same city, they'll be re-traumatised and their healing will take longer. I'm not sure about it but it does make sense.

Let me know about your experience.

[JustKathy]

A week after I went NC with my Nmother my husband was offered a transfer out of state so we took it and left. I hadn't thought about moving out of state since I was already living about 30 miles away from them, but the opportunity presented itself so why not give it a try? Being far away was great because I never had to worry about unexpected visits, only phone calls from my enFather. I eventually decided to go NC with him as well so I changed my phone number at that time. After that, it was just hoovering cards and gifts that they could send through the mail.

Unfortunately, I really missed my hometown and decided it wasn't worth living in an area where I was unhappy just to be away from my abusers, so we ended up moving back. We bought a house that was 40 or so miles away from my parents so was there was no chance of accidentally running into them at the store. But my father did track down my address and came to the house. It only happened once but I felt very violated by it. Still, I have no regrets about moving back. Being in another state did give me a lot of peace in knowing that I was too far away to have an encounter with them, but I was otherwise unhappy living in an area where I didn't fit in. So in the end, moving back was the best decision.

If you love the area you're living in and don't want to do something drastic, I think you'd be fine in a city that's close, but not so close that you'd bump into them at the grocery store. That definitely would have traumatized me, but being almost an hour's drive away solved that particular problem. No matter where you move, I'd expect hoover cards and gifts. It's almost impossible to stop that.

[DaisyGirl77]

1/4 mile down the road.  Lol.  My estranged uNM & I are that far apart at the moment.  We've been estranged for almost 6 years.  We were on speaking terms when I moved out into my previous apartment, then shit went down & she chose not to apologize & do better, so that was that.  I haven't seen her around town at all.  It's helped by my own preferred shopping habits, which is having everything delivered to me as it's more convenient.  I also think the fact that she & I have very different dietary needs/restrictions helps as well.  She has her preferred store, & mine is whatever is convenient to me based on what area of town I'm headed to, lol.

From uN/BPD Dad's mom, I moved...  Please hold, I need to google this...  52 miles away, mainly out of necessity.  (Story in my signature.)

[Sidney37]

We live about an 8-10 hours drive away.  I went NC years after the move, but I'm so glad I did.  I went to college in my home town.  PDm and enD (he might be PD as well now that I know more) couldn't help but to know where I was constantly.  Asking people where my car was, showing up at my boyfriend's apartment to see if I was there, insisting that I work for a specific friend of theirs when I needed to be working in my field in order to get into grad school.  All of these things were met with weird punishments.

Being hours away decreases my anxiety about them randomly showing up, trying to smear me in front of parents at my kids' school or tracking my whereabouts.  We considered moving closer to DH's family, but it would have put us an hour away from mine.  I just can't do it.   It causes me stress to see the name of my hometown on a highway sign when visiting my in-laws.  I couldn't be that close every day. 

I think it also depends on whether your PDs are the ignoring or enmeshed type.  Mine are enmeshed and expect my constant compliance or the punishments and smear campaigns start. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm LC vs NC, but my husband and I did move in part to get away from our FOOs. We moved 1500 miles. It's a 25 hour car trip or a 5-6 hour flight. I doubt anyone will ever make the drive, and the cost of airline tickets make it prohibitive for anyone to visit often.  It makes the boundaries on that front a LOT easier.

If I had been going NC, though, I think I would have wanted at least a 3-4 hour drive as a buffer.

[Andeza]

In every case of going NC, first with my uBPDm and then with uPDMIL and enFIL, we had already moved very, very far away prior to going NC. But while distance is nice to have, if we had been living just down the road from uBPDm I wouldn't move. My spot is my own darn spot. I've got a very stubborn streak regarding whether I will or will not let other people push me around. I guess I would view being driven out of my home as somebody pushing me around. The idea of that gets my dander up way more than the idea of running into her at the store.

[Hilltop]

I was previously a 15 minute drive from parents and now a 2 hour drive.  For me it's been a game changer.  I feel more relaxed, I can go anywhere without worrying about seeing them.  I am only VVLC not NC and so now I don't have to worry about feeling like I have to stop in every now and again for a visit.  It's a short enough distance that I can go back to see friends and I love the new location, it's beautiful.  Our lives are better here.

I think for me with our previous location it was simply a constant reminder without it being obvious.  I would go to the shops and just a quick thought about whether I would see them.  I would drive near their house and think about them.  It's not like it was obvious but it was there simmering.  Being in an area which has no attachment to them has let me really start to think more on healing and when I am out and about I really don't think about them at all.  I think the longer I am here the more I will naturally let go and for me it really has changed the way I feel.  A lot of the anxiety I felt has gone.

[blacksheep7]

I didn't move, had just bought my house.  Covert NM lives 15 mins away by car but I also have siblings, nieces in the same area. I'm still here after the first nc twelve years ago (second and definite nc 2017).  I have never run into NM once and we used to go to the hair salon....I was always afraid but had a set phrase and what to do, just in case.
I ran into bro2 twice, first time he didn't see me and the second, to long to write now, in a nutshell we never spoke, just looked at each other from far.

I'm okay, I won't pick up and leave. I'm happy here.

It's up to you, my NM is not the type to stalk me or come to my door unannounced. She will be 90 this year.  This is a big factor so I guess it could be a case to case situation.  Go with your gut, instinct.  How would you handle bumping into them.

[Boat Babe]

I'm LC and a hundred miles away.  Works for me.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, everyone. Your info is valuable to me.

JustKathy: I do not like the area I'm in, it has few jobs, no opportunities or fun things to do. It's a remote city and I certainly plan to move out of here.
I understand the thing about fitting in. I lived abroad for ten plus years and started to feel worse and worse about being away from my country and culture. I came back and feel better about belonging to something but..I plan to move abroad again because that's the kind of life I love to live.
I don't think it's worth it to live somewhere just because you want to be away from FOO. You need to love the place, the people, the environment. I sincerely don't love my country, it's such a corrupt place to be. I feel like everyone here enables the narcissists and socioapths that run the country and it is OK to not respect the law.

Hopefully you'll not be visited by your PDs again. Stay safe.

[mary_poppins]

Being hours away decreases my anxiety about them randomly showing up, trying to smear me in front of parents at my kids' school or tracking my whereabouts.  We considered moving closer to DH's family, but it would have put us an hour away from mine.  I just can't do it.   It causes me stress to see the name of my hometown on a highway sign when visiting my in-laws.  I couldn't be that close every day. 

That's how I feel, as well. Mine are also the enmeshed type, expect me to comply with what they want me to do. They order me around as if I'm 5. 

[mary_poppins]

Cat of The Canals: yes, it's incovenient to drive for so many hours or pay for a flight. That's what I plan to do as well. To move far enough so they can't travel there. Even if they could physically travel (my dad's hip got worse so he can't walk long distance and my mom can't go out without him, she needs a chaperone) they won't inconvenience themselves.

[mary_poppins]

1/4 mile down the road.  Lol.  My estranged uNM & I are that far apart at the moment.  We've been estranged for almost 6 years.  We were on speaking terms when I moved out into my previous apartment, then shit went down & she chose not to apologize & do better, so that was that.  I haven't seen her around town at all.  It's helped by my own preferred shopping habits, which is having everything delivered to me as it's more convenient.  I also think the fact that she & I have very different dietary needs/restrictions helps as well.  She has her preferred store, & mine is whatever is convenient to me based on what area of town I'm headed to, lol.

From uN/BPD Dad's mom, I moved...  Please hold, I need to google this...  52 miles away, mainly out of necessity.  (Story in my signature.)

Isn't that uncomfortable for you to be so close to her?

[mary_poppins]

I think for me with our previous location it was simply a constant reminder without it being obvious.  I would go to the shops and just a quick thought about whether I would see them.  I would drive near their house and think about them.  It's not like it was obvious but it was there simmering.  Being in an area which has no attachment to them has let me really start to think more on healing and when I am out and about I really don't think about them at all.  I think the longer I am here the more I will naturally let go and for me it really has changed the way I feel.  A lot of the anxiety I felt has gone.

Yeah! I believe I am deeply traumatised by my city. Every place I go to is a reminder of my abuse but the feeling is subtle, somewhere in the back of my mind. If I see a taxi, it reminds me of my dad (taxi driver) and I get startled. My PD brother drives a blue car and whenever I see a blue car like his, I freak out. And I'm not even NC. The little things that remind me of them are actually big things.

I think there is a lot of trauma attached to the the city we grew up and suffered due to our PD families. Being in this environment triggers these old feelings.

[mary_poppins]

I'm okay, I won't pick up and leave. I'm happy here.

That's very important. If the city gives a lot to you and offers many opportunities to grow, it might be easier to stay and make a life there. That's not the case for me.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Mary Poppins. You sound like you are on the cusp of some big, positive changes in your life and I am so pleased for you. What I notice is the totally understandable hesitancy and lack of confidence in yourself. Can I change my name? Can I move to another place?

People who have a healthy sense of self, who haven't been abused find making decisions like this relatively easy. People who have been abused and may still be emmeshed with their abuser really struggle.  I so get that. So please bear this in mind when you struggle with decisions that are in your best interest. You have been raised to serve their needs, no wonder you struggle. This is where you need to focus your attention, to free yourself from this insidious programming, to live your best life.

Been there, done that, know what it feels like. Buckets of love to you.

[moglow]

I guess I'm "lucky" in having an absent or ignoring pd parent. She's shown no interest and hasn't visited anywhere I've lived in at least the past 16+ years. So there's that. I had no need to "move away" per se, but she suddenly needed to "move to be near family" and moved back to the hometown within six months after I left there myself. Duly noted, mommie dearest.

But that works both ways now. I live about 1.5 hrs from her, haven't visited in almost two years. Ive been nearby to my brother's place but neither of us felt a visit to mommie dearest was necessary.
Absence hasnt made the heart grow fonder, if that helps ease your mind. It's only emphasized for me how little presence she had or attempted for many years, long before now. Its somewhat comforting on one level, disheartening on another.

[DaisyGirl77]

1/4 mile down the road.  Lol.  My estranged uNM & I are that far apart at the moment.  We've been estranged for almost 6 years.  We were on speaking terms when I moved out into my previous apartment, then shit went down & she chose not to apologize & do better, so that was that.  I haven't seen her around town at all.  It's helped by my own preferred shopping habits, which is having everything delivered to me as it's more convenient.  I also think the fact that she & I have very different dietary needs/restrictions helps as well.  She has her preferred store, & mine is whatever is convenient to me based on what area of town I'm headed to, lol.

From uN/BPD Dad's mom, I moved...  Please hold, I need to google this...  52 miles away, mainly out of necessity.  (Story in my signature.)

Isn't that uncomfortable for you to be so close to her?

Not really.  I don't think about her anyway.  It did when I first went NC with her but I was determined to stick it out.  I was in a place that was solely mine for the very first time & I was beginning to heal myself & the area that broke in me surrounding home security/safety, so I was damned if I was going to let someone force me away from my home then.  (Truly.  I felt like those protesters you see who chain themselves up to the object they're trying to protect.  That's how strongly attached I was to my apartment.  You would've had to take it from my cold, dead hands then, lol.)  Now?  Meh.  I don't have plans to stay in the area for more than another couple years before moving out of state.  Until then, I view this town as my home.  The fact that she is here also has no bearing on the way I choose to live my life.  I have my FOC & my job here as well as Sis2.  I'm content.

[mary_poppins]

Truly.  I felt like those protesters you see who chain themselves up to the object they're trying to protect.  That's how strongly attached I was to my apartment.  You would've had to take it from my cold, dead hands then, lol.)  Now?  Meh.  I don't have plans to stay in the area for more than another couple years before moving out of state.  Until then, I view this town as my home.  The fact that she is here also has no bearing on the way I choose to live my life.  I have my FOC & my job here as well as Sis2.  I'm content.

I really applaud you for your attitude. And the sense of humour. It gives me so much hope.
Well done.

[JustKathy]

I think there is a lot of trauma attached to the the city we grew up and suffered due to our PD families. Being in this environment triggers these old feelings.

Absolutely! I live quite close to the city I grew up in. For many years I'd go out of my way to drive around the places that triggered childhood memories. I was traumatized seeing my high school, the local library, certain restaurants and stores. Fortunately, in recent years, the area has undergone a building boom and looks much different. They tore down my high school and built a new, modernized campus that is no longer recognizable. Even my childhood home was heavily renovated and looks like a completely different house. Most people would get sentimental when driving through the area where they grew up, but I'm glad that these parts of my childhood are being destroyed.