I have filed

[hhaw]

Can you work from a cafe?  We have cades with copy machines and workspaces in our city. 

[escapingman]

Can you work from a cafe?  We have cades with copy machines and workspaces in our city.

I can, but not very efficient with doing lots of meetings. I also struggle to work from cafes due to back problems. But I was always going to wait and see how she reacted before deciding next steps, I should have known she would go full blown waif. That is the one I struggle with, rage I can handle as that is easy as it just makes me see her as what she is. But the crying and declaring her love and future faking and telling me about all our dreams (my dreams that she has shattered). She is a master at manipulation, no wonder I have fallen for it. Please can someone tell me it's not me, I must be allowed to for whatever reason I decide to split up with someone? I shouldn't have to be made feeling guilty about ruining someone else's life, should I? Every little incident, she has twisted round to gaslight me about it wasn't as I remember it. Ever single one.

[JustKeepTrying]

There was a period of four to five months that my xOCPDh was just perfect after I filed.  He gaslit then pleaded he changed and he cried and all that I wished would have happened over the decades before.  But when I didn't give in, he froze me out and I got the silent treatment.  30 days after the divorce was final he was on a dating website.  It was the hardest thing I ever did and the emotional rollercoaster was very real.  But it's over and I'm fine.  You will be too.  You just gotta get through to the end.

It's not you.  Reread your posts here and remind yourself what happened.  Watch the videos.  DOn't give up.

[Poison Ivy]

I fervently believe that anyone can end a romantic relationship with anyone else for any reason. Please try to not feel guilty.

[escapingman]

I found this, boy did I need to read that right now. 

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I am so worn down, and it hurts even more when she suddenly change into "the perfect" wife again. Give me a sight of what my dream was, but what is not real. In her long monolog yesterday, now when I have had time to digest it, it was all a mix of lies and denial. Every small incident or fact, was twisted, just a tiny bit so it was something I had done and not her. She even blamed it all on the kids and that if we had a united front it would all be good again. Sure, I understand parents should be united, but should it be 100% on her terms? No and that is why it is impossible to co-parent with her and why lots of arguing starts, its her way or the high way.

Anyway, there will only be one way forward and that is to just grab my stuff and leave. She won't leave, and staying to protect the kids will only drag me down under the surface. She is making me live like I am disordered too, it's not possible to be normal around someone like her.

[escapingman]

She is actually going to drive me insane!

So she goes off in the morning, I setup for the day in my office, close the door and get my headphones on and turn the music up. Start working and of course reading more and more articles about how the hell do I get out of this. She comes home, opens the door to the office and wave, I wave back. She then enters the room standing in front of me just staring at me until I take my head phones off, she then complains about how I looked at her, followed by telling me what she is doing today and then rounding it off with asking me if I have thought about what we (her) spoke about yesterday as she wants to know my decision (I already told her but she won't be happy until I cancel the divorce). I am feeling rage coming in my body, why can't she get a simple no (yes I know, she is PD). I seriously can't go through every day being asked to change my mind. I have made my mind up, I am 100% done with this, I have been clear to her, it's only her head that is refusing to accept.

[hhaw]

Wow....unite against the kids.  Just you and the stbx. 

Reading that gave me shivers..I still have them.

Thank God you're strong enough to resist the false peace offered up, bc it is false.  I honestly did not see that coming and I thought I wouldn't be shocked.  I really did.

You need a good T, EM.

And so do your children.

Maybe the stbx's strategy to blame the children will backfire on her spectacularly...... if it can be documented and someone in authority understands what it is, rather than ignoring and dismissing it as "normal" in behavior in a divorce war.

  Dragging children INTO the adult struggle is really bad, but blaming them entilrely for it...... to get the non parent back under control..... that is some cold, diabolical mind f'ing childhood nightmare trauma, IMO.

I agree.... you have to get out, EM.  And you're going to get your daughters, both of them, all the help you can.  All you can do is your best, then release the outcome.  I'm curious if you'll be allowed to take SG with you, if she's asking to go.

Once we file the divorce our options narrow.

She's well on her way to driving you mad, bc that's what PDs DO.  It's not personal, EM. It's just what they do.

If you can record her talking about blaming the children, do it.....but get the hell OUT of there.

[escapingman]

I have hours of recording in case needed, I record every minute of every day as all abuse happens sudden. I hope she just comply with the divorce and we move through it fast, she is extremely careful with spending money so I think that she might just agree quick to save money on solicitors. At the same time, I think she will just victimise herself and have it over and done with so she can complain about me.

Right now I am trying to minimise contact with her in the house, but it's nigh on impossible as she keep coming in to me. But I am holding my boundaries reasonable well for being me, even though she is doing her best to violate then. But, I will tell her I am going away for a while without really give her a reason to why. If she says no and tells me I can't leave, then I will ask her to leave instead. I have travel booked for the weekend to see old friends, that is something I really need. They know I am having issues with STBX, but they don't know the details, I doubt they would believe me if I told them anyway. I don't think I would have believed myself if I told me before I went through this.

It's really useful to keep reading about BPD, Co-Dependence and the dynamics about these relationships. I don't identify me as a full blown co-dependant, but I definitely have quite a few traits. But the dynamics explained are almost a direct description about my marriage with STBX.

[hhaw]

EM:

I don't know if you can guess about how your stbx will handle, settle or fight the divorce.  Trying to guess can be maddening, IME.

I do know researching PDs and parenting strategies help one feel empowered, make master plans and provide more information for continued strategizing.  You're better off doing that kind of research than spinning your wheels listening to the PD or thinking about what she might do.

keep your head down and consider looking at those notes on the book The Parallel Process if you get a chance.  Super helpful when dealing with defiant difficult behavior from children.

[escapingman]

hhaw, sorry I might not have been clear enough. I am not trying to second guess what she does, more of a fact what might happen. I am not listening to her at all other than practical day to day things like who is picking the kids up from school today etc. I am reading and reading about splitting with a BPD and trying to plan for that, based on information I read, not based on guesses. But, to be able to really make real plans, I need out to not have her hijacking my brain, cause even though I am not listening to her, her presence is bad enough to get all emotions going in the background.

So the list so far.

1) Get a solicitor - Tick
2) Talk to Doctor - Tick
3) Get a therapist - Not a tick yet, but have had assessment and am waiting for allocation
4) Report her to the police - Tick
5) Get Social Services involved (have a case to refer to if needed) - Tick
6) Tell her we are getting a divorce - Tick
7) File for divorce - Tick
8) Breathe....... - Tick(ing)
9) Move out
10) Let the solicitor deal with everything from here on

I am at number 8 planning number 9 and then see what more can be added, one obvious is to get the kids T as well but not on the immediate list yet.

[Poison Ivy]

Good progress, escapingman!

[escapingman]

If anyone would have told me 6 months ago about the progress I would never have believed them. Just need to find the strength to follow this through, which I think I have. I will test the waters with going away for a week, she can't stop me unless she would go herself. I done the quick maths and it's actually cheaper short term to stay in hotels than getting a house with all it's bills. If I can get a few weeks or something in a hotel completely free from her I might heal enough to see clearer what to do next.  Staying in a hotel this time will be much difference to when I have done it before, now I have filed. Last time I went I hadn't done anything on the above list.

[IsleOfSong]

That's very encouraging to hear. As Winston Churchill famously said, "When you're going through hell, keep going." Onward!

[hhaw]

I noticed things go in and out of focus, EM.

Stress rises and takes over for a bit, then one decompresses and brings focus back to the mission and so it goes.

It's like the tides, in a way and we're always here for you with our filters and experience..... holding lanterns for you down the path you're traveling.

We believe you can do this, EM.

You're DOING it!

::nodding::.

It's going to be OK.

[Hilltop]

Hey EM, keep reminding yourself that it is not you.  These are really typical borderline traits, I'm sure you know it but when all the emotions are flying it may get lost.  The underlying utmost fear for them is abandonment so her behaviour of continuously coming to you and asking if you have made your mind up to me seems to be her trying to fix that ultimate fear in herself.  Her being waify and then hours later being happy and dancing, again so typical of borderline.  They cannot regulate their emotions and will change emotions within hours.  You said in the past that she has threatened suicide, again typical borderline.  I don't know if it helps to look at what she is doing and bring it back to the traits so you don't feel like you are going crazy, you asked if it is you, no, it's not, look at the traits for borderline and your STBXW fits them all.  She simply isn't capable of seeing reality.

Try not to feel guilty, you cannot help her, she needs to acknowledge it and get therapy.  They need extensive therapy to change and your STBXW is in severe denial.  You cannot help her here.

You are saving yourself here EM, it may be horrible now but you are almost out.  Stay strong.

[escapingman]

I took SG to the hospital for an appointment, got in to the car park and searched for parking spaces, drove round and round and started to feel a bit anxious as the appointment time got closer and closer. In the end had to leave the car park and go to one further away, the entrance was blocked and we could not get in. At this point, I just took a deep breath and thanked God that STBX wasn't in the car. The panic, the screaming, the shouting, the rage that would have been. We got a space and got to the appointment with 5 minutes to spare, no rage, no arguments just a bit anxiety but nothing I could handle. This is how life will be like from now on, when things go wrong, you just take it for what it is and continue trying to find a solution. No PD that starts screaming because the world is against everything she does.

So she is trying to love bomb me now, still pretending this is not happening. I can manage a few "I love you" notes on my desk, but when this will go into hysterical cries again I am not so sure. As she is "good" to me, she had a massive fight with GC this morning. I stayed out of it, as that normally ends up with GC going against me. Apparently she had a pep talk with the girls yesterday, told them both to behave and to be particularly nice to me. She really still thinks the problem is the girls and that if they behaved all would be good. What she doesn't understand is that they are behaving when she is not with the rest of us, yes they lose their temper, but with no PD to respond angrily to it the situation gets back to calm reasonable quick.

I am still planning on leaving for a few days, I have a feeling it will be more than a few days and me never going back. I don't even recognise her, often look at her and wonder: "Who are you?". I have to set out a goal to have a home own my own within a month or two, unless I can get her to move out (not likely).

My eyes are wide open, I know she has BPD and NPD, I feel sad I can't help her, but I just can't. I have tried for 15+ years, but with no awareness from her she is beyond help. I hope that changes for her sake and the kids, but I cannot wait for it to maybe happen in the future. I need to save myself. I already feel so much better being Out of the FOG, just going down to the supermarket without telling her and get a complaint about why I need to go.

I know it will all kick off, very soon, but right now, this moment, I feel quite good.

[Andeza]

Hey, EM, just wanted to tell you a thought that popped into my head. I've heard a number of therapists online now talk about how kids always jump to thinking a divorce is somehow their fault and their responsibility to fix. Your stbx believing that it's their fault is going to compound that. They're going to need help. From you and also therapists for them if that possibility presents itself. If she ever spouts that nonsense in front of them, bet your butt they're going to be massively traumatized. Is there any way you can have a quiet sitdown with them and assure them that things are changing, but it is not their fault, it is purely an adult issue between you and stbx, and you love them both?

[square]

My H's father blamed my H and his sister for his abuse of their mother and periodic abandonment of the family.

I also support you taking all steps to reassure them that they are in no way responsible for anything happening with you and their mother.

[escapingman]

STBX has told them for years it would be their fault if we ever split up. I have reassured them both for as long that it would not be their fault.

I am feeling really disturbed by her current behaviour, pretending all us fine and keep calling me darling etc after I told her we were done, this must be some kind of abuse as well. It's mentally killing me.

[escapingman]

My emotions are in a rollercoaster, I just got information from my solicitor that STBX now has appointed a lawyer of her own. This hit me in my stomach as it makes it more real, am I really doing this? Will she actually accept it is happening? Will she agree or fight it? Obviously I cried a bit, managed to do it out of her sight, though about what if I just cancel all this and go back with her, realised within seconds that's not an option. But sometimes, had this moment yesterday, I do wish I was still in the FOG being in love with her not knowing she is a PD (albeit I always knew something was off).

Now she just spoke to me and told me she has spoken to a lawyer, but she still wants me back and for me to cancel the divorce. I know, I am not stupid, as she hasn't admitted any fault, apologised for any abuse, still blamed me, she is not ready to see her problems, she will not change without help, and she can only get help if she can admit she has issues and want to sort them. I feel so sorry for her and how she feels, I wish I could help her, but I can't, and I cannot follow her down that black hole any longer. I wish she could try to get out of it, but every time I have her halfway out of it she jumps back into it. She will jump in to it again. No question about that.

I wonder how long the love bombing will be going on, until it switch to rage or waif. She is mixing in a bit of waif at the moment but mainly love bombing. As I have said before, I am considering a few days away to try to recharge and get a break, but worried about how she would be at home with the kids. At the moment she is good with them as she is love bombing me, but she look so fake, she even engage in activities in the house that she has banned the kids from doing..... weird.

My worry is if she will break me if I stay home any longer. I am strong, I am Out of the FOG, but I am no superhuman.