I think I finally might have my evidence

[Poison Ivy]

Please, ignore the "rule."

[escapingman]

Please, ignore the "rule."

Yes I ignore it, me and SG watched TV in the lounge. STBX was furious and both her and GC came in and out slamming the door. I couldn't care less what STBX thinks, I recorded all her stupidity anyway.

[Poison Ivy]

Her behavior is infuriating, but I'm glad you're able to ignore the "rules."

[escapingman]

So this morning, in true style, she made packed lunch for GC for school but conveniently forgot to make lunch for SG. SG was in tears about it whilst STBX was smirking saying she didn't think she wanted packed lunch today. It wasn't a biggie for me to help SG make hers, but the hurt for SG to have been ignored was visible.

I am not sure, but I am feeling better and better the worse she is falling down her pit. Her behaviour towards me is so bad, but I can see clearly it is her and that she is everything explained by all the heroes on you tube. If it wasn't for the brainwashing of GC I wouldn't react at all, but it is killing me to see what she is doing to GC. I don't care about her stupid rules of only being allowed in certain rooms, sitting on certain chairs, not being allowed to use the washing machine, not allowed to leave my shoes in the hall, not allowed to use the toilet after she has cleaned the bathroom, not allowed to exist basically. But I do care when GC is fighting me trying to force me to follow those rules and shout and swear at me when breaking any of the made up rules. I don't think I can do anything about GC until I can have her on my own out of the influence of STBX, I do tell her to stop and I do tell her she is wrong, I occasionally lose it and raise my voice with GC, especially when she is physically violent to me and smirks (yes, I am so worried she will get the same issues as her mum).

Since STBX has shown her card and threatened me that she will take court action about made up financial abuse, I probably should do the same but about her child abuse.

[SonofThunder]

EM, my apologies if this has already been stated.  The 'rule' behaviors and 'forgetting' to pack a lunch for one child certainly must feel like twisted, intentionally irritating control-moves by stbx toward you. 

The day before I left, my wife asked me a question, in which my reply was very 'business-like', hinting to her that I was fully intending to move forward to divorce and touched briefly on ideas for certain real estate asset splits.  My stbx negatively commented immediately on my tone of voice and that i was taking my thoughts much to quickly to division of assets.

But, i am now only one week separated from my stbx and 3 days ago, she began very intentional, calm, small moves to show me she is mentally accepting and moving forward.  She asked me to move my belongings from our second home, she removed me from access to security cams at the real estate locations along the lines of my previous asset split suggestions.  She even went on her own to the internet and television service provider at these locations and asked to have the accounts put in her name only, which required me to be present, so was unsuccessful for her at that time, but i gladly accepted to meet her at those businesses with her, in order to switch the accounts to her name only. 

My reaction to her toward this quick mental 'my stuff/SoT's stuff' switch in her has been kind, helpful, agreeable and cordially proactive and 'loving' (desiring what is most beneficial for her). 

For example, she is not a technology person, but I am.  I understand that fact and it has nothing to do with divorce, or me trying to let her 'adult' herself, but with me being understanding of that tech fact and being willing to help get her her tech-related accounts switched, my access off security cams, and even answer her questions she raised on tech matters.  Im helping her as if i was helping a friendly neighbor and now, my stbx is being business-friendly in return. 

Just yesterday, she can foresee a two person small activity that must be done in the home 1x per month and I am skilled at that activity.  She stated she could get a friend to help, but since i was going to be near the home 1x per week because of my employment, would I be willing to arrange a time 1x per month to assist her with this 2 person task so she does not have to continually bother her friend because of my desired divorce.  I fully and politely agreed and told her I would text her the day before to arrange a time to meet her vs an impromptu arrival, because i respected her privacy.  She kindly agreed.   

Is there a chance that what you may perceive as 'rules' for you, are actually her mind, beginning to separate "my-stuff/EM's-stuff", including the shared duties of packing lunch for 1 child?  I believe if I was separated but living in the home (which i could 100% not tolerate), my stbx would be 'separating' inside the shared home (my stuff, your stuff).

Is this new 'rules' mentality, a potential mental indicator that your stbx is no-longer mentally fighting the divorce, but moving along into it in her own mind.  I consider this possibility a good thing for you.  Would you consider a possible different mindset in yourself and begin to allow her to have her own separate 'spaces' in the house as well as you, and have a calm, gentle, business-friendly mindset toward her and a start to separate spaces and duties related to care of the home, kids etc? 

You are the person who served her divorce papers, but you choose to remain in the home, which imo, may feel to her either like a fight for 'rights' to the home while in the home, or your unwillingness to do the work of moving out, since you served the papers.  I can potentially understand some of the possible muddy mentality of "I want a divorce from you but im willing to live with you..." not a healthy mental mix imo.  Not trying to come across harsh, but you were the bold one in serving papers, so why should she tolerate you being physically in the home.  My stbx would surely be very angry with me for 'ruining' her life yet unwilling to remove myself steadily from her life. 

Frankly, if you were to have your own place and joint custody, you would be packing both lunches 50% of the time, caring for 100% of your own living location, transporting/attending to both kids needs 50% of the time.  If you are going to continue remaining in this house together for your own reasons, would you yourself consider beginning to proactively, calmly, cordially live and act as if you were separated?  This practice may steadily condition both you and your stbx to the roles of living apart and potential joint custody, should a judge decide in that regard. 

SoT

[guitarman]

Purposefully not giving SG lunch is a serious act of abuse. Neglect is abuse. Adults have responsibilities for children in their care. Denying food is abuse. It seems to be a way of punishing her for siding with you. What would have happened if you weren't there to help make her lunch instead? I don't know how old your children are and maybe they can make their own meals for themselves but it seems a cruel behaviour aimed to favour and reward the "good" child. It also shows GC that she has to behave and be on her side or get punished as well.

It needs to be reported.

GC is copying her mother and pushing all your buttons. She maybe terrified about upsetting her mother and projecting that all onto you. You have to be so careful about not responding and remaining calm. She is trying to provoke you into anger and violence. It's the narcissistic cycle of abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim. Any physical reaction can be misconstrued and taken as a violent attack upon her so be very careful. Accidents can happen. Any bruising will be used as evidence against you. Bruises can so easily occur when trying to restrain someone, trying to guide them away or in self defence. I know!

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

SoT, I am glad you STBX is taking it well and start to divide things up. Unfortunately, my STBX is the opposite. Her dividing the house up is only one way, I am forbidden to use certain part of the house at the same time as she is allowed to be everywhere. What's hers is hers and what's mine is also hers, that is her mindset. She is currently fighting to stay on in my company, to keep earning 50% all income even though all income is generated by me as a consultant. So she have her job with her income which is hers, then I have my job with my income, which she claims is 50% hers. She has even gone so far and demanded I unblock her on social media as we have shared memories and she says she has the right to see those memories posted on my account. For the school lunches, both kids can make their own, but STBX use to make them before they get up and then they grab them when they go to school, but this time there was no lunch to grab for SG. The reason  STBX is making 100% of the lunches is that 1) I am deemed not good enough at making sandwiches 2) If she makes the lunches she can say she makes all their lunches and 3) there is a perfect lunch service at school where the kids can buy there lunches which I think they should use. 

Guitarman, yes it is abuse. STBX (and GC) is abusing me and SG, I am trying to stand up to it without losing it. It's harder for SG but she is a kid and if she loses her temper with them it isn't as bad as if I lose it. As I have said before, I think I have enough evidence for both court orders and the police. But I want all firing lines firing at the same time for maximum benefit, Police doing their bit, social service their bit and solicitor getting whatever court order is needed. This I will speak to solicitor about next week to get a plan to what to do and when. If I remember right, solicitor can prepare all paperwork, and when I report STBX to the police the solicitor file with the court at the same time.

Right now my focus is on surviving the weekend and to protect the girls as much as I can until I meet with the solicitor.

[guitarman]

May you have peace and calmness.

[SonofThunder]

EM, thanks for clarification and sorry your stbx is currently fighting. I am choosing to go the route of non-fighting, so not blocking my stbx from anything, not proactively beginning to separate anything but living spaces and assist her with any detailed separation of items, services and her desire for privacy. 

Im hoping that my low-key, business-friendly approach will continue, along with my silent decade-long financial planning for this potential moment, when i will split all assets evenly, providing my stbx with a substantial nest egg and hopefully, my approach and that financial outlook will assist in helping this process along without rage and hurt motives.

Wishing you all the best in your forward movement. 

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks for all your support, it really helps. When all this is over I am going to sleep for a month, I am so tired and worn out. Think I might be on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I just need to get through until the meeting with solicitors, then I am planning a week away to recover. The criticism is really wearing me down, this mixed in with STBX walking round the house singing and whistling, but no one else is allowed to make any noise whatsoever as that annoys her and makes her stressed. I am trying to follow SoT's advice to wear headphones, but as soon as I forget them it is there. It's also impossible to wear the headphones when interacting with SG as she needs me to speak to.

I have started to browse houses on the internet and starting to imagining living there and how life will look like. It's going to be a very modest house, probably a stopgap for a few years until I find my feet about how I really want to live and what's best for the girls.

[hhaw]

Try to remember the stbx can demand and request anything she wants BUT a court will decide how marital assets are split, em.

The stbx can't help her toxic, childish moments, but you have full power to choose your feelings and responses in every moment.  Maybe not now, so much, but it's possible and she'll do her thing whether you're peaceful or roiling inside.  You can choose to feel peace in every moment.

I'd actually tell GC when her words and actions are innapropriate.  I'd tell her why, state my boundary and any logical consequences you're willing to enforce.

Consequences aren't punishment.  Discipline is teaching children to do better.  We're always modeling behaviors for our kiddos.

It's ok to mention sad choices made by stbx and talk about possible happier choices stbx could be making.....and you can hope she begins making them.

Your doing great.  I hope you limit the crazy getting in your head and really tunnel vision down to brass tacks with pay offs AND self care/creating joy with your girls.

The stbx can't make all those rules and not appear unstable to outsiders, IME.  Document, as always, and your case will make itself, IME.



Why hasn't your T reported the abuse yet?

[SonofThunder]

" I have started to browse houses on the internet and starting to imagining living there and how life will look like. It's going to be a very modest house, probably a stopgap for a few years until I find my feet about how I really want to live and what's best for the girls."

+1  daydream brother... daydream!!  Modest makes me feel good.  Modest is 'simplification', which is what i need and am headed in that direction. 

Simplification creates more peace and both simple & peaceful allow more time to spend on what matters most. 

SoT

[escapingman]

" I have started to browse houses on the internet and starting to imagining living there and how life will look like. It's going to be a very modest house, probably a stopgap for a few years until I find my feet about how I really want to live and what's best for the girls."

+1  daydream brother... daydream!!  Modest makes me feel good.  Modest is 'simplification', which is what i need and am headed in that direction. 

Simplification creates more peace and both simple & peaceful allow more time to spend on what matters most. 

SoT

I am so looking forward to end the game STBX has played with that we have to have the best house in the neighbourhood, the best cars, the best everything. She looks down at anyone she deems poorer than us, and envy anyone who seems to be richer (all people richer than us are apparently criminals in one way or another and most definitely fiddle the taxes). As soon as we had the mortgage under control and I could take my foot of the gas a bit she decided we need to move, to a house at least double the value of our current. Most of the people she knew had similar houses to us so she needed a better. That was when the wheels really started to come off and I could not keep up anymore. I am so looking forward to not chasing a dream I never had.

[SonofThunder]

" I have started to browse houses on the internet and starting to imagining living there and how life will look like. It's going to be a very modest house, probably a stopgap for a few years until I find my feet about how I really want to live and what's best for the girls."

+1  daydream brother... daydream!!  Modest makes me feel good.  Modest is 'simplification', which is what i need and am headed in that direction. 

Simplification creates more peace and both simple & peaceful allow more time to spend on what matters most. 

SoT

I am so looking forward to end the game STBX has played with that we have to have the best house in the neighbourhood, the best cars, the best everything. She looks down at anyone she deems poorer than us, and envy anyone who seems to be richer (all people richer than us are apparently criminals in one way or another and most definitely fiddle the taxes). As soon as we had the mortgage under control and I could take my foot of the gas a bit she decided we need to move, to a house at least double the value of our current. Most of the people she knew had similar houses to us so she needed a better. That was when the wheels really started to come off and I could not keep up anymore. I am so looking forward to not chasing a dream I never had.

Amen EM! 

SoT