I think I finally might have my evidence

escapingman · April 28, 2022, 05:19:20 PM

30 minutes. 30 minutes of verbal abuse and threats between uNPDstbxw and GC. At one point I thought they were going to kill each other. GC wanted to show something and uNPDstbxw refused to look at it. The heat went up, and up and up. The screamed and swore at each other, uNPDstbxw called her names, bad ones, threatened her that "God help me if you don't shut up as I don't know what I do". They went physical against each other, mainly GC attacking as uNPDw refused to look at what she wanted her to look at. 30 minutes constant swearing and screaming at each other. SG came to me and asked to go out as she didn't think it was safe in the house anymore.

30 minutes of RECORDED violence. I think I can get her. I really do.

Poison Ivy · April 28, 2022, 05:25:57 PM

Hi, escapingman. This must have been terrible to witness.

What do you hope to accomplish by having this evidence? I'm asking because in my state, divorce is no fault, so things that married people say to their spouses or children are irrelevant to granting of the divorce and property division. They might, however, be relevant to child custody and placement.

escapingman · April 28, 2022, 05:33:41 PM

Poison, this was shocking and I could do nothing. If I would have interfered they both would have turned on me.

But with this evidence I believe I might stand a good chance with having her removed either by reporting her to the police and social services or having a protection order through the courts. I am going to try to find out what to do and talk to my T and Solicitor next week to see what is the best way forward. I believe the police is what I will use, but I will see next week what everyone says. I don't think she should have any custody what so ever and I need to find out the best way to get that sorted. I am still shaking from the incident, 30 minutes with no break.... 30 minutes.

Poison Ivy · April 28, 2022, 05:38:36 PM

I hope that you're able to get your daughters away from your wife very soon. Good luck!

square · April 28, 2022, 05:40:04 PM

What an awful situation, I can feel the stress all the way over here. I hope you and the kids get relief asap.

Gettintired76 · April 28, 2022, 11:57:33 PM

Sorry EM I have that kind of evidence too snd my attorney wont even look at it, thus they are taking my children tomorrow my attorney refuses to even ask for supervised visitations.

SonofThunder · April 29, 2022, 12:34:22 AM

EM, very stressful indeed for you and the kids. Im so sorry it is happening and a repetitive experience.

I believe that this evidence is good to have. In my US state, my friends wife would rage on him and the kids and he was able to obtain a restraining order on her and issued a psych evaluation on the wife. I do not believe its a negative to have, but surely was a negative experience. Its also truth for the coming truth war.

SoT

Gettintired76 · April 29, 2022, 12:34:56 AM

Sorry em stay optimistic bro each case is different hope yours goes well.

escapingman · April 29, 2022, 03:48:37 AM

The entire incident yesterday makes me feel ill. The abuse hurled at GC was out of this world, I have no words really. But, I am not sure how and if I can use it as some of you mention. But, at least I have the recording. Predictable after the incident she promoted SG to be GC for the rest of the day. Today GC and STBX are "best" mates again, with GC back on shouting at me (copying STBX behaviour). I think the best way might be involving social again and let them handle it and push on with the divorce. I am expecting another rage from STBX today, she has entered that part of the cycle and is very predictable - the only question is who is going to be her victim this time? I think I am next in turn, especially when she finds out I have asked an estate agent to come round to value the house today (and she has not been given her one week notice to clean every corner of it).

Boat Babe · April 29, 2022, 04:04:52 AM

Hey EM. What a terrible thing for the girls and you. I would get in touch with your local Council's children's services AND nearest DV agency. And call your solicitor again.

Wishing you strength and eventual peace.

escapingman · April 29, 2022, 06:04:08 AM

I am really on the verge of a nervous breakdown. STBX just came pleading to me to change my mind, mixed in with crying like a baby. She really is completely unaware, or pretends to be unaware, even when I now she is gaslighting me it's hard to ignore it. She asked me why I hate her so much, as in her world it can only be hate that is making me want to divorce her. I told her a couple of the incidents she has done just the last week, one of them she completely denies and the one with GC she blames 100% on GC. If I wouldn't remember them and every details I would be questioning myself, it's freaking me out. I can't go through every little thing in this process with her crying her eyes out blaming me for hating her. Now I need to just stop this because it's costing her to much money on lawyers. I told her it wouldn't cost as much if she just agreed, but she couldn't do that as she thinks she deserves more than her half.

I contacted my solicitor to ask what we can do and that I am worried about her abuse towards the girls, I hope to get some good advice very soon.

SonofThunder · April 29, 2022, 09:36:23 AM

Quote from: escapingman on April 29, 2022, 03:48:37 AM
The entire incident yesterday makes me feel ill. The abuse hurled at GC was out of this world, I have no words really. But, I am not sure how and if I can use it as some of you mention. But, at least I have the recording. Predictable after the incident she promoted SG to be GC for the rest of the day. Today GC and STBX are "best" mates again, with GC back on shouting at me (copying STBX behaviour). I think the best way might be involving social again and let them handle it and push on with the divorce. I am expecting another rage from STBX today, she has entered that part of the cycle and is very predictable - the only question is who is going to be her victim this time? I think I am next in turn, especially when she finds out I have asked an estate agent to come round to value the house today (and she has not been given her one week notice to clean every corner of it).

" I think the best way might be involving social again and let them handle it and push on with the divorce."

+1

SoT

SonofThunder · April 29, 2022, 10:00:57 AM

Quote from: escapingman on April 29, 2022, 06:04:08 AM
I am really on the verge of a nervous breakdown. STBX just came pleading to me to change my mind, mixed in with crying like a baby. She really is completely unaware, or pretends to be unaware, even when I now she is gaslighting me it's hard to ignore it. She asked me why I hate her so much, as in her world it can only be hate that is making me want to divorce her. I told her a couple of the incidents she has done just the last week, one of them she completely denies and the one with GC she blames 100% on GC. If I wouldn't remember them and every details I would be questioning myself, it's freaking me out. I can't go through every little thing in this process with her crying her eyes out blaming me for hating her. Now I need to just stop this because it's costing her to much money on lawyers. I told her it wouldn't cost as much if she just agreed, but she couldn't do that as she thinks she deserves more than her half.

I contacted my solicitor to ask what we can do and that I am worried about her abuse towards the girls, I hope to get some good advice very soon.

EM,

If I had not left, your repetitive scenes would be my own to share. In the panic attack-turned rage, i learned very fast that now in a divorce mindset, my MC responses can no-longer be the same as my traditional responses in the past. For example, a response conveying "Im sorry you feel that way" in the past, deescalates and helps me move along with my day.

But now in divorce mode, those type of MC statements come across as lies, and generate a rage response similar to: "sorry?...Sorry??...SORRY???!!!😡. SoT your not SOORRRYY at all!, because if you were you would not be ruining my life!! 🤬".

Therefore in confrontational interactions now with my stbx, where she has clearly set up a home-base on the victim side of the drama triangle and me the persecutor side (as expected and planned for), my new MC comments convey: "I dont know what to say to that, so i will not respond at all."

Its a different framework for response, based on the fact we are now on the road to divorce. I share this for your consideration, being you are still residing with your wife, which you have already explained why, although I could not handle. 🤔 i sometimes wonder whether simply your presence in the home gives your stbx confrontational fuel for arguments with your kids and surely-yes, pleading/rage verbal attacks on you. I 100% know that with my two PD people, an audience surely amplifies the intensity and frequency of drama. Therefore, do you believe its possible that your simple presence in the home is actually situationally detrimental (in an escalating fashion) for your children vs the protective-dad mindset you consider?

You wrote: " I told her a couple of the incidents she has done just the last week, one of them she completely denies and the one with GC she blames 100% on GC." And then... " I told her it wouldn't cost as much if she just agreed, but she couldn't do that as she thinks she deserves more than her half."

In the fog of war, its sometimes good for me to regroup in my mind. Both of those responses are JADEing, and if I said that to my stbx, it would only amplify. I want to encourage you to respond with some comments that convey "i don't know what to say to that, so i will not respond at all". Then walk away. If she follows, walk outside. If she follows, drive away. If she follows, drive to the police station.

SoT

escapingman · April 29, 2022, 10:20:26 AM

SoT, I 100% agree with what you are saying.

1) Me being in the house is fuelling her, but I will have to remain just a little bit more. I am going to explore if I can get her out (that's probably like flogging a dead horse), so it will have to be me moving.
2) I can see how those responses where JADE, but she had been chasing me round, kept asking the same questions over and over for well over an hour and in the end I just had enough and told her the truth.

I am going away again this weekend, this time with SG and one of her friends. I am looking forward to this as we should get some distance to it all. GC will probably get on with STBX with no audience and full attention.

SonofThunder · April 29, 2022, 11:00:21 AM

Quote from: escapingman on April 29, 2022, 10:20:26 AM
SoT, I 100% agree with what you are saying.

1) Me being in the house is fuelling her, but I will have to remain just a little bit more. I am going to explore if I can get her out (that's probably like flogging a dead horse), so it will have to be me moving.
2) I can see how those responses where JADE, but she had been chasing me round, kept asking the same questions over and over for well over an hour and in the end I just had enough and told her the truth.

I am going away again this weekend, this time with SG and one of her friends. I am looking forward to this as we should get some distance to it all. GC will probably get on with STBX with no audience and full attention.

Understood. On #2, i would myself drive off somewhere before i JADE'ed at my stbx. Maybe some contrasting vid footage of you and SG having calm fun while away from the home, just days after the drama footage, would be helpful to explain the truth to social.

SoT

Gettintired76 · April 29, 2022, 11:29:32 AM

Hey man by all means bring it to your attorney's attention, Like my case I found out today that it can and probably will be used in a "case history" standpoint. My best wishes to you bro your pain is all of our pain and we will survive it.

escapingman · April 29, 2022, 05:00:00 PM

Interesting day to say the least. Having an estate agent round certainly triggered her fear of abandonment. I have had hovers, lovebombs, crying and rage from her today. Exhausting. She walked past me and just in passing asked me what I want to do about custody, casual as if she asked what I wanted gör dinner. I ignored it as that's for the solicitors.

The further out the fog the more I see and can relate everything she does to a PD trait in the resources. Scary, but helpful.

I think I am getting a plan in my head, will see if its doable.

Thank you all for your continued support.

guitarman · April 30, 2022, 07:08:37 AM

Keep calm.

Beware of love bombing.

Be determined. It's a long road but the destination is worth all the stress and worry. Visualise your future life without so much chaos and dramas.

Don't minimise what has happened.

Keep journaling your experiences and how you feel. You matter.

May you find peace and happiness.

escapingman · April 30, 2022, 11:11:18 AM

Thanks guitarman. I am away with SG and her friend for the weekend. STBX has tried to gaslight me so feeling about overwhelmed. She told me it is not appropriate that we all share the same hotel room at the same time as she said they are to young to have a room on their own. I need thus to stop.

SonofThunder · April 30, 2022, 11:21:41 AM

Quote from: escapingman on April 30, 2022, 11:11:18 AM
Thanks guitarman. I am away with SG and her friend for the weekend. STBX has tried to gaslight me so feeling about overwhelmed. She told me it is not appropriate that we all share the same hotel room at the same time as she said they are to young to have a room on their own. I need thus to stop.

EM, if you are away, why do YOU talk with her by text/voice/email at all? Cant she simply text/voice with SG, since you are proactively moving toward divorce. Meaning, act like you are 'separated-to-divorce' even though you sleep and work in the home.

SoT