About the stay at my mum's

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Rebel and Looking 2N free.
I am so sorry you had to battle cancer yourself, Rebel. I hope you are well now.
What stresses me the most is the dealings with my sister about this rather than the illness itself. If I were on my own, I wouldn't worry so much about scheduling my visits here and looking after my mum. But the thought I have to be in touch with her makes me panic. This is why we are definitely not changing our plans to leave tomorrow. She will be here in a week's time. I reckon not much will happen until then. When things move along, I can come back, when she won't be here.

One more thing: I never thought of my mom as PD but it looks like she definitely shares some of the features.

[Rebel13]

One more thing: I never thought of my mom as PD but it looks like she definitely shares some of the features.

Yeah I was wondering about that. Some of what you've written sounds like a little bit of a golden child/scapegoat dynamic with you and your sister. Regardless, the bottom line is to take care of yourself no matter how much or little you decide you can do for others. There are lots of people here with experience creating and maintaining boundaries with family through a serious illness and I hope they will chime in with some considerations.

And thank you for the good wishes! I was very lucky; the cancer was discovered early and I am doing fine.

[walking on broken glass]

And thank you for the good wishes! I was very lucky; the cancer was discovered early and I am doing fine.

I am really glad to hear that!

Regardless, the bottom line is to take care of yourself no matter how much or little you decide you can do for others.

My partner said the same thing to me: don't be self sacrificial, look after yourself first. It will be a struggle. Any advice appreciated!

[walking on broken glass]

Last night was the most horrible night of my life. Worse than the night my dad died.

I was getting ready for bed and my mum called me. She was already in bed and she wanted to talk to me. She proceeded to accuse me of the most disturbing and insane things you could ever imagine. It was like talking to my sister. Earlier I had asked for access to her email because she is not good with technology and she never remembers her password, and I thought now with her bad health it might be good to know how to access it. She started by saying to me that I want to control her and I want to read her conversation. She said that when my dad died and she went to collect the body from the hospital, I was going through the bank accounts to check how much money there is for me. She said the bank told her that someone logged in at that specific time. She also involved my partner in this, that he somehow is a gold digger or something and wants to have control of the accounts. Needless to say I did not log in the account. I was trying to pull myself together and was answering calls from people who were asking about the funeral. I could barely keep it together. I don't care about their money and haven't asked them for money ever.

She said more and more. She accused me of changing the codes to the bank accounts and she couldn't get in. My mum has no idea how to log in to her bank account and I offered many times to show her and she didn't want to. She said my partner's behaviour during my dad's final days was unacceptable. All he did was drive us everywhere and try to help while putting up with my sister's behaviour.

She even said I didn't want them to come to our wedding and she really wanted to come and I said no. I was encouraging her to come but it was right after Covid and she was scared to travel and leave my dad alone. She is re writing history there too.

There was much more that I don't have the energy to repeat here but all out of the BPD playbook. I couldn't sleep last night and I was in a terrible shape. I couldn't stop shaking and my stomach was hurting. I am travelling home today so at least I will escape the madness. But that was a wake up call. The sad thing is my mum is very ill and I don't feel like cutting altogether contact with her. The next few months will be difficult to navigate.

I preemptively blocked my sister on WhatsApp. She is officially dead to me. Not that my mum doesn't share the blame. She believes these slanders about her own daughter and scapegoats me, while defending sister to the death. It takes a truly disordered person to do that.

I am contemplating writing a letter to her but I have not decided yet whether it is a good idea. I am still in shock and processing to be honest. So much sadness, grief, pain and anger.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you chose to come home today as planned.

[Rebel13]

I'm so sorry! This sounds just horrible. Like maybe some combination of stress from her diagnosis, BS from your sister, and perhaps early dementia? Regardless of what's going on with her, you don't deserve this, with all you have done to care for and support her. I wish you whatever will comfort and calm you and hope you can get that for yourself! Once you get home and have some distance and time, I know you'll figure out how you want to go forward with her.  Good wishes and thoughts from me to you tonight.

[notrightinthehead]

Wow! And you have no idea where this came from? It seems to me she showed you what she really thinks of you. Could that be possible? Have you experienced this before? And she apologized afterwards and said she did not mean what she said? It must have been really hurtful to have all of that thrown in your face. It certainly explains the coldness and distance you felt.
I would take my time  with a response. I might write a letter, I might write several letters but I would not mail it yet. I would have no hope of changing her mind or making her understand. Maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive her eventually and love her from a safe distance. It certainly sounds like your involvement and care is not welcome.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you all. It feels so good to talk to people who understand.

My mum lived in the shadow of my dad. He was the dominant parent. I mostly related to her through him. To answer your question, @notrightinthehead, we were never close - she never got me and I seldom felt warmth from her. As soon as I was away from home, the difference in treatment with my sis became very apparent. She would visit us in the city we were both studying but mostly staying with sis, and even calling sis for a long time while staying with me. She has always defended her, never found fault with her. From time to time she had little outbursts with me, showing anger and frustration because I did not treat my sister right (meaning I didn't bend over backwards for her) but mostly she kept quiet and let my dad take the lead. To sum up, I knew I was not her favourite daughter but I thought she respected me and saw that I cared about them. What happened the other night shook me to my core. I did not see this coming. And money was the problem? She was happy to let me deal with all such practicalities because she is useless with technology (and my sis too). I offered many times to show her how online banking works so she can do it herself but she didn't want to. Regarding the inheritance, I was happy for my sister to get more stuff so I wouldn't have to share anything with her. And she accuses me of being greedy and controlling? It's laughable!

I don't care if this is my sister's toxicity which poisoned my mum's mind. What kind of parent would think this of their daughter who has been only caring and helpful?

I don't know how to proceed. The next day my mum behaved as if nothing has happened. No apology, no acknowledgement whatsoever. I could not even look at her. I will stay in touch because I want to know about her health but our relationship has changed forever. Surely she can see that? Does she expect me to be the same with her as if nothing happened?

I also considered what Rebel said about dementia but she hasn't given any other signs. Of course if I suggest a visit to the doctor, it won't go down well!

What frustrates me most of all is the timing. She said all these things after my father's death and while she is severely ill, and how am I supposed to respond? Is this the right time to tell her very candidly exactly what I think about her parenting and how she treated me? Then I will be the monster.

I am so confused.

[walking on broken glass]

Has anyone watched Pride and Prejudice, the BBC series based on Jane Austen's book? I love it and watch it every year at Christmas time. When he proposes to her and she turns him down and proceeds to tell him what she thinks of him, he says 'and that's your opinion of me?' This is exactly what I was thinking. That's your opinion of me, mum?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes! My all-time favorite movie!

And then Darcy stays up all night and sets the record straight. Writing is so clarifying.

Honestly this reminded me of the time my MIL raged at me for 45 minutes and told me exactly what she thinks of me and how I've ruined her son's life when I was eight months pregnant at the very end of a weeklong visit. Your mother has similarly cruel timing. And so so removed from reality. You just spent all this time and money you could have done so much else with in order to be with her, for one stupid obvious thing.

My opinion is in your mother's opinion you are evidently already the monster. You get to do what is right for you, to constitute your own happiness, without reference to her, your sister, or any other person so wholly unconnected with you.

[walking on broken glass]

Hahaha I love this! Such a brilliant quote! I have used it many times ♥️♥️

[Lookin 2 B Free]

WOBG, I would not feel guilty about not extending the visit.  Hopefully it will be clarifying to have time away from all of this.

I don't know what's going on with your mom, but it sounds familiar from one of my family members (who definitely didn't have dementia, though your mom may).  She did have problems with paranoid thoughts; yes, even about her own children.  She would slide somewhat out of touch with reality, saying things like your mom did, thinking people are after her to hurt her or steal from her. 

And there was one pedestal child whom she trusted and was dependent on.   Everyone else in the world was suspect, no matter how kind and generous they were with her.  Some of her ideas about what people were trying to do were just delusional.  And there was the history revision piece, too. The bit about the bank saying someone was logging in at that exact time really sounds like the kind of stuff I used to hear - and, of course, the bank would have said no such thing. Some kind of mental illness which included splitting and paranoid thinking.

If your mom is anything like her, having space can be a good thing to calm the fear and paranoia and get things a little more in perspective.  Having anyone (including adult children who have been nothing but trustworthy) come in close - except the one safe person - would feed the disorder and the paranoia.  Hopefully what's going on with your mom is different and more temporary.

I wouldn't assume those things your mom said are how she thinks of you all the time.  Otherwise why would she have ever given you any bank information?  But you know what she's capable of,  and you don't want to be subjected to that again.   And hopefully you will not feel guilty  about blocking your sister.  It sounds like it was time for that!

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much, looking 2b free! It helps to know that this paranoia might not be how she thinks all the time.

I am not sure how I should proceed after this. She now behaves as if nothing happened. I find this difficult. Should I bring it up again and demand an apology? Should I keep some distance and check on her periodically?

I was also wondering whether it would be useful to tell someone else about this. My dad had a friend who is a psychiatrist and had been brought in in the past to discuss problems with my sis. He had validated my concerns and had said that my mum also needs to do some work with herself (which never happened). I am not sure if I trust him fully but he is the only person I can think of that is close to the family and might listen. I just feel this is too big a thing for me to keep hidden. But family may be unsafe to confide.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It's hard to know how much she remembers about what she said to you, or how distorted that memory might be.  Her fear and paranoia might have calmed some now that there's physical distance.

If there's a better way to handle her than using the tools suggested for communicating with pwPDs, I don't know what it would be.  Paranoid thinking is a symptom of some PDs and there is a Paranoid Personality Disorder. 

It might be helpful to get very clear about what it is you want from continued communication with your mom, whether it's something for yourself or simply to be there for her at this difficult time.  It doesn't sound like she can be any kind of mom to you or even much of a loved one.  After all that's happened, you probably have your own letting go and grieving process to go through, seeing there was less to your relationship than you had already realized.

Whether to contact the psychiatrist again is a judgement call.  You would hope that such a person could be trusted to keep things confidential, but there's no guarantee.  Do you have a therapist of your own you can talk to?  Especially someone who knows you and some of your history. 

This is a very tough situation.  Don't forget to take extra good care of yourself, WOBG!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you again looking 2b free
I did talk to my therapist. She suggested I write a letter to her which I don't have to send, just to lay out the facts and get things off my chest. I have been thinking of bringing up the subject one more time, only to say to her that what she said to me was incredibly hurtful and I cannot get over it, but I don't want to discuss it further, just focus on her health from now on. Not sure if this is a good idea but every time we talk and she pretends this never happened and she is a caring mum, I want to scream! Ever since I got back, she has been calling me herself, which never used to happen before: she would wait for me to call. It's like the classic abuse tactic: behave horribly and then be all over the person so that they won't escape. She even passively-aggressively mentioned to me yesterday that her day was very difficult because she had to scan some documents and send them to the hospital, and no one of the relatives knew how to do that and it took them ages, but she didn't want to bother me because I was ill (I came down with a nasty stomach bug as soon as I returned home). All of a sudden she wants me involved in her affairs again.

It doesn't sound like she can be any kind of mom to you or even much of a loved one.  After all that's happened, you probably have your own letting go and grieving process to go through, seeing there was less to your relationship than you had already realized.

This is spot on. If it wasn't for her illness, I would have left the relationship. But I care about her and want to know how she is doing. All our communication will be focused on that from now on.

Another thing that has been troubling me is how to deal with the sister when she is there: call my mum and if she comes hang up quickly without openly ignoring her? Be openly hostile and declare I don't want to talk to her? But that would mean open war and she would go postal, which I am not sure I can handle just now. On the other hand, I spent all my life being afraid of her and how she will react. Is it maybe time to drop the pretence and openly show her that I don't want to have any kind of contact from now on?

I cannot make up my mind

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm not very good at this stuff myself, WOBG.  I'm a "freeze" person from way back.  So I'm working on speaking up.  It's part of my values to not be needlessly hurtful (in word, in tone, in timing, etc.) no matter what the other person has done, understanding I'm only responsible for what I put out and not another person's reactivity or distortions.

I've found writing the letter not-to-be-mailed can really bring clarity.  The first draft is a total dump of any & all thoughts and feelings with nothing held back.  Then a what, specifically, do I want you to know letter - what do I have a need to convey, sometimes whittling down a kitchen sink full.  Then how can I say this responsibly.  Think "I" messages, Rosenberg NVC type stuff.  Then I sometimes run it by someone I trust (counselor, trusted 12 step advisor friend).  Of course, I only do all of this if the communication is quite consequential.

If the timing is bad (remembering when I was still with PDex who was not expected to live long at the time), I sometimes put in a kind of placemarker.  "I don't need to talk about this right now, but I am affected by what you just said."  Something to counteract the "we're going to pretend that never happened" routine.

If you need a break from talking to Jekyll and Hyde mom, you could let her calls go to VM to answer later.  With a few people, I need a day or two between conversations to get centered back in myself and my life.  So sorry you're going through this, WOBG. 

[walking on broken glass]

I'm not very good at this stuff myself, WOBG.  I'm a "freeze" person from way back.  So I'm working on speaking up.  It's part of my values to not be needlessly hurtful (in word, in tone, in timing, etc.) no matter what the other person has done, understanding I'm only responsible for what I put out and not another person's reactivity or distortions.

I understand; I am exactly the same.

If the timing is bad (remembering when I was still with PDex who was not expected to live long at the time), I sometimes put in a kind of placemarker.  "I don't need to talk about this right now, but I am affected by what you just said."  Something to counteract the "we're going to pretend that never happened" routine.

Yes, I was thinking something along those lines too. I haven't summoned the courage to say anything yet though. But it is constantly on my mind.

Ever since my dad died, we got into the habit of talking every evening. The calls never last long; just to touch base and see how she is. I am pretty sure that if I didn't call her she wouldn't call me back but she would still ask me why I didn't call the next day. Perhaps I can take some time out when my sis is there and then make the calls more sparse after that.

Thank you for all the advice

[walking on broken glass]

One other thing that sucks so much with all this is how deluded I was about the relationship I had with my mum. I was always closer with my dad and felt more comfortable talking to him but, after he died, I tried to get to know my mum better. I was telling her more stuff about our lives, also because we talked more often, and I genuinely thought I was supporting her through little acts of care. I was trying extra hard to communicate with her and be there for her. I see now how one-sided this was. All she did was resent me. Even the nice things I did for her, she twisted against me. I never thought she was capable of being so toxic.

Sorry for coming back to this all the time. I am still processing and in shock, I think.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi WOBG,

It is a shock. What a grenade she launched at you. I'm so sorry.

Her not talking about it the next day, very familiar to me from my years in the PD family with PD parents. It is possible she doesn't remember much - possibly all of it. I have had many PDs in my life tell me they do not recall their outburst - and I have read that some of them are dissociated during their tirades, and so the lack of recall is real for them.

How gaslighting it is when they do this to us though. I am just so sorry that this happened to you. I feel your desire to protect yourself from her. You don't deserve any of that. It is shocking when we see a PD go to a level of toxic that we didn't know they would ever go. And it is hugely disappointing, levelling almost. That a parent could be cruel to us like this.

Over the next few weeks, your brain will process this and come out of the shock of it, which is a natural reaction that our brains give us, to protect us and let the shock get digested, let the cortisol get processed over time. You can help that along by going for walks, getting fresh air, and knowing that the shock and cortisol stress response will get processed by your body, trust in that process as much as you can. I've learned that there is no other way, we have to give our mind a few days / weeks to metabolize the shock.

I agree with your therapist's advice to write everything down and get it off your chest. You don't need to send it. It is for you, for now, to get it all out (in addition to connecting with us here too). I think that writing helps us re-regulate after events like that because we can put the thoughts onto paper and then hit save or put the notebook away for a while, and feel less crazed by all the thoughts going on for us. Putting thoughts on paper, gives them somewhere else to live, while we help ourselves through the shock. 

The loss of a partner is disorienting and what is supposed to occur is a natural process of grieving the loss of the spouse. I've spent the last 10 years trying to teach myself the grief process. One thing I've learned is that unprocessed grief, often shows up as anger. Your mom had no right to dump on you like that, and it kinda suggests that she's not processing her own emotions. What she did, is the opposite of what they would call healthy grief work.

The fact that she said so many things in anger that were patently untrue and not aligned with reality, shows where she's at. But that doesn't discount how wounding it is to have a parent treat us like that. You have a right to every single thing you feel right now.

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much trees. This all helps immensely