About the stay at my mum's

[treesgrowslowly]

Hang in there WOBG. When I joined this forum, I didn't know how to process anything my PD parents did. Learning from the resources and kind people here helped me so much. I learned that being in shock is normal when our parents do these things.

Take care with yourself today,

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

My sister arrives at my mum's tomorrow. I don't want to engage with her. I have blocked her on WhatsApp and so has my partner. It is possible she has messaged me for Christmas and realized she is blocked, but perhaps not. I am not sure how to deal with the situation. I was thinking of not calling my mum at all until New Year's without offering any reasons, and if my mum calls me I can take the call and if sister appears hang up as quickly as possible. It bothers me though that I am still scared of my sister. Should I be more bold, end the pretence and tell her I don't wish to be in contact with her? But that will create havoc and won't be received well, especially now that she is there with my mum. Should I perhaps wait it out for now, and, if need be, have it out with my sister at a different time? Or just go NC with her as before without offering any explanation (because there is nothing good to come from any explanation anyway).
I am scared of a direct confrontation as things are now but at the same time I really don't want to talk to her. And I know that she will grab any chance to talk to me just to bully me and annoy me.

[Rebel13]

Hi wobg! I'm a big fan of "wait and see." I used to try to do a lot of pre-emptive explaining, etc., and I found that it just gave people more excuses to create drama. A lot of times, if I don't do anything, sometimes the things I worry about never happen! For example, my big NC moment a couple years ago was just ... nothing. I simply didn't call, write, send cards, text, video chat, etc. I didn't make a big statement, I just went silent. And when a few pathetic attempts at contact came from my mom -- a couple texts, a couple cards -- I just didn't respond. My mom is more of an abandoner than a chaser -- everyone is supposed to attend on HER, she shouldn't have to make any effort. So I didn't have to block her texts or calls or anything. It's been a super peaceful year and a half where she's concerned.

So yeah, I like your plan of not calling, waiting and seeing what happens. You already have a plan B of ending the conversation if your sister appears -- "oops, sorry, gotta go! talk soon, mom!" Can you make that the plan for now and let go of worrying about it? (Ask me how I know about the worrying.    )

As far as being "scared" of your sister, I think it's perfectly normal to have anxiety about interacting with someone who routinely treats you badly! As I said in my first paragraph, it's perfectly justifiable to go radio silent with someone who acts like that, and put up whatever further boundaries become necessary to minimize or eliminate contact, depending on how hard they pursue, and by what routes.

I hope you're having a lovely holiday at home with your partner and best wishes for a drama-free new year!!!!

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much Rebel. You are right, I will wait and see and take things as they come. It is really hard to stop worrying as my mind wanders to all the ways things could go wrong and I feel I should be prepared. I think I blame myself a little bit for not predicting my mum's behaviour and being more ready to protect myself. When you are used to being in a hyper alert mode, it is difficult to let go. But it is not healthy. I know I have right on my side and that knowledge is very comforting.

I am so grateful I can be home with my partner and our cat! I want to protect our peace as much as possible.

Sending wishes to you too xx

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm glad you had a nice holiday, WOBG.  The nice thing about this stuff is that, like with any new skill, the more we practice, the more natural the new behaviors come.  Faltering, fretful baby steps can become ho hum responding (or nonresponding).  I've found that especially with VLC and NC.  Of course, new glitches & situations can get thrown in, but they become part of the practice, too. 

Glad to be travelling this road to freedom with you!

[walking on broken glass]

So much kindness here... thank you!
Yesterday was the day my sister arrived at my mum's and I didn't call. There was silence on my mum's end too. Tonight I wonder whether I should attempt a short call or keep silent. If I don't call, I am making my intentions about not talking to sis very clear and this will give them plenty to talk about. But they are already doing that. If I do call, there is the danger that I will speak to my sister and she will say something that will trigger me. Perhaps I can send a message but my mum rarely sees and responds to them.
Perhaps I should just stick to my original decision and not call even if it makes me uncomfortable.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, you've got this.

If I don't call, I am making my intentions about not talking to sis very clear and this will give them plenty to talk about. But they are already doing that. If I do call, there is the danger that I will speak to my sister and she will say something that will trigger me. Perhaps I can send a message but my mum rarely sees and responds to them.
Perhaps I should just stick to my original decision and not call even if it makes me uncomfortable.

Damned if you don't and damned if you do, so you are choosing what's best for you. Excellent! Take that time of day you normally call your mum and do something extra nice for yourself!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you
I did not call in the end!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi WOBG,

That's what I realized about my crazy FOO - no matter what I did it wasn't good enough for them and so they were the "victims" of great injustices by me, no matter what. If I called, if I didn't call.

When immature people like your sister are involved, I have found it is best to do little, since everything I did, gave them something to react to and create a victim story out of. And nothing I did solved the problems that are caused by their immaturity and desperation for drama. 

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, trees
I was discussing this with my partner and we were saying the exact same thing: any interaction is giving them chances to pounce on! Also, funny how it is never an option for them to make a call themselves. But of course they have to be waited upon because they are special.

[Sheppane]

Hi WOBG
Gosh you have had a lot to deal with but are handling it beautifully. You are right any interaction gives others chances to pounce on - you just never know! That is the unpredictability of these relationships. It is as if anything you say or do will be perceived as not enough , wrong, insensitive, triggering .......whatever. the bar constantly shifts. When I find myself needing to have a conference in my head in advance of texting , calling, meeting , planning to meet I remind myself this does not happen in healthy relationships. Healthy relationships while not always perfect have ease to them. I made a mistake ? No problem. I need to apologize ? Apology accepted. You misunderstood ? Sorry, let me explain myself. With emotionally immature people we twist ourselves into knots anticipating all the possible outcomes of our interactions. It sounds like there is a lot for you to process at the moment and the most important thing is to take care of you by whatever means necessary , and protect yourself from anything which will disturb your peace. Thinking of you

[walking on broken glass]

I called my mum to say Happy New Year. Sister didn't show up and the call was pretty uneventful. Huge sigh of relief!

My mum said where have you been? You disappeared. I said no, I was here, doing nothing much, having a relaxed time. You disappeared = why didn't you call me because I will never initiate contact.
Suits me fine!

Happy New Year to all of you 🎉

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Walking,

Happy new year to you as well!

"you disappeared" instead of "I didn't call you". That says it all with emotionally immature people.

I remember when I realized, with relief, that their inability to initiate contact, was going to make my life easier as I got my bearings and figured out when and how often I'd want to contact them.

Yay for your relaxing time!!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you trees, and thank you Sheppane for your kind words too.

I got really sad today thinking of how different this day was when my dad was still alive. How he wanted to talk to us, ask about our day, make jokes and genuinely show his love. I feel almost like an orphan now that he is gone and my mom views me as the enemy. I don't believe in the afterlife but if he could see all that, he would be very disappointed.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Walking,

I am sorry you are going through this. Years ago I heard the term "emotional orphan" which fits me very well - when we don't have a parent who is there for us. Does it help to 'talk' to your dad, and let him know how you are feeling? It could be aloud or in a letter.

Hugs to you,

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

This brought tears to my eyes. But you are right, it might be cathartic.
Thank you ☺️

[Sheppane]

WOBG - you disappeared!!?! That is such a classic tactic. You are right - you didn't disappear - she didn't call!! I get the same " well it's nice to hear your voice " or a very loaded " oh hello, so what is your news then" ( as in ...where have you been). We are always here and if people want to call, they can! It's so frustrating.

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain about your Dad at the moment. It must be terribly difficult. You say how you don't believe in an afterlife (nor do I) but if he could see your mom's behaviour how disappointed he would be. That is a very painful feeling to process but I would also suggest that he would feel incredibly proud of his daughter for how despite everything she looked after her Mom at this time of year and handled the very difficult family dynamics eith grace and maturity. He would know doubt also want her to know that if that orphan analogy rings true that she offer herself nothing but gentleness, love and self compassion. While I don't believe in an afterlife as such, I have found writing a letter or sitting in a special place in nature/ looking at the stars with a belonging of my loved one to feel very connected to them. You are doing amazing WOBG.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hang in there Walking,

A lot of stuff came up for me recently regarding my father. He and I were never close like you were with your dad. I've learned how important grieving is, even if we have to do it without other relatives supporting us, because they are not getting what is going on for us. Remembering the loving ways that people had with us in the past is part of grieving. But the main thing I have learned about grief so far is that each of us does their grieving in their own way, in their own time. What we do to grieve is personal to us.

In the reading I've done on this, it sounds like the main advice on grief, is not to block it or pretend it is not important. I think it is hard when emotionally immature people in our lives are confusing us. I do not see them doing grief work or they don't do much that looks deep. Maybe some of them can't even do grief work. It is beyond them.

The way you feel about your father requires depth, which you have. I don't believe in anything specific about the afterlife either but I know memories are powerful and knowing we had some depth with someone who is now gone, it is good to honor that in some way. Maybe find something in your home or out in nature that you think your dad would have liked and spend some time thinking about his warmth? Knowing we were loved is powerful medicine. You can continue to love your dad and honour the memories you have of his love for you. 

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

Your words are so kind and moving, Trees and Sheppane. Thank you so much.

I really like your idea about holding a belonging of my dad's, Sheppane. You know, when I was at my mum's, I wanted to get some of my dad's ties as a memorial. When I was little and my dad would get ready for work, he would pick his outfit the night before (he had to dress smart for work) and ask me to choose which tie he would wear. I loved the ritual and I really liked his ties. When I was there, my mum had them laid out on the bed and asked me if my partner would like to take any. That was before the incident and I ended up leaving without taking any, because I did not want my mum to accuse us of stealing them. I regret it now, I wish I had them. The thought makes me so sad.

My therapist said the same thing, Trees, about not blocking the process of grief. I am not sure what exactly this means though. I don't pretend that nothing happened but I don't exactly encourage thoughts of my dad to flood me. Unfortunately when memories start coming to me, the moments surrounding the funeral also creep in, and they are so disturbing so I keep them out. I have a collage of pictures above my desk with friends and family, and I had to cover the photo with my dad, because every time I looked up there he was and I could not bear it. I am not sure whether this is healthy or not. Maybe I just need a bit more time. Writing here and reading your thoughts helps immensely, so thank you so much for that.

[Rebel13]

Unfortunately when memories start coming to me, the moments surrounding the funeral also creep in, and they are so disturbing so I keep them out.

If my experience is anything to go by, this will pass with time. Older, more fond memories will keep surfacing and the painful ones about death will take their proper place among them.

I hope you can still get one of the ties, or ask your mom to send you one. That sounds like the perfect memento.