Light at end of the tunnel ...

[moglow]

Now md is asking bro #2 - the one child who speaks to her - about me. How is mo? I haven't heard from mo. Is mo all right? etc etc ad nauseum. Um I dunno - she could call? No that I'd necessarily answer or respond, but she could try maybe. Make an attempt. I'm sure if he threw that at her, she'd claim she's blocked [has been in the past when she's been particularly nasty, but not for some time now].

He suggested I think about stopping in for a visit. Why?? If we can't have a civil phone conversation - literally havent in the past few years at least, a visit is somehow preferable? Again, no. I'm not trying to be an ass or punish her or anything, I just fail to see the point. I'm sure she's lonely, depressed, refusing to understand what's happened, all the usual things and then some. That doesn't make it mine to fix for her. She made choices as have I, she chose to lash out and deliberately hurt me and countless others. I chose to step away from that. All of that and all that it implies.

I feel sorry for her, yes. But responsible for her loneliness, etc? No thank you. I've got plenty of my own, and sharing that with her would serve no one.

[Starboard Song]

I'm sure she's lonely, depressed, refusing to understand what's happened, all the usual things and then some. That doesn't make it mine to fix for her. She made choices as have I.

Hero.

When we go NC, it is critical that we be self-aware. Like, when we went NC with my in-laws over 7 years ago, they were losing contact with their daughter, son-in-law, and only grandson. That's huge! And however much to blame they are -- however righteous our decision -- our choice to have and maintain boundaries predictably created enormous very real pain in their lives, and it is ongoing to this day. My MIL no-doubt is in serious anguish to this day as a result of my boundaries.

But Mo, you nailed it. My Stuff / Your Stuff applies here: they made their choices. And you were right to observe the nature of those choices. Your md wasn't rude one time. She didn't have a chronic mild toxicity, like cursing at the dinner table or something: she deliberately lashes out over and over again to hurt you. Engagement with her in any degree is predictably harmful. You predictably took hard steps to protect yourself. I commend you.

Sadly, these people's chronic patterns force our hands, and Our Stuff is that we must do the hard work of holding to our boundaries, and we have to suffer the profound loss of giving up.

Just as sadly, Their Stuff is that they may have to endure the consequences of their behavior patterns. They may lose friends. They may feel isolated. Even dear family may ghost them. It is the profound loss of a missing audience.

Protecting ourselves from those who are destructive of our peace is an act of loving kindness. We are preserving our ability to thrive for all those who love us, rely upon us, or can benefit from having us in their world. It is our job to do this.

[moglow]

All that, friend Starboard. And thank you for stating it so clearly.

I can hear her in the back of my mind as if we'd had that conversation yet again [yes, there were attempts in the past], "but WHY?? what HAPPENED??" Answer and tell her honestly, and you'd hear "that NEVER happened/was never said! WHEN did I say that???" Okay. She truly doesn't get there's not *this one thing* or "that one time". Death by a thousand cuts.

[Sneezy]

She truly doesn't get there's not *this one thing* or "that one time". Death by a thousand cuts.

Exactly this!  And this is what makes it so hard to explain to someone who isn't familiar with PDs.  So much of what my mom says and asks for would be perfectly reasonable if we had a typical mother-daughter relationship, and if she didn't say and do these things ALL THE TIME.  But one thousand waify sighs, one thousand little "I need you to . . .," one thousand times hearing how someone didn't appreciate her, one thousand snarky comments, one thousand "you don't understand how my nerves get," one thousand blow-ups when things don't go her way, etc., etc., etc.  It adds up.  And it can be soul-crushing.

[NarcKiddo]

"you don't understand how my nerves get,"

Ah! The NERVES. Hoo boy. Don't I know all about those?

[Starboard Song]

MIL: "I was hurt when I wrote that"

Me too, MIL. Me too.

[moglow]

MIL: "I was hurt when I wrote that"
Me too, MIL. Me too.

Mine: "you have no idea what's going on up here! you never ask or show any interest. You're only interested in yourself!"

Hello pot, meet kettle.

FYI Sneezy - We don't get "I need you do..." We get " You need to ..." usually after the fact, because we failed to read her mind.
   

[Sneezy]

FYI Sneezy - We don't get "I need you do..." We get " You need to ..." usually after the fact, because we failed to read her mind.

Interesting difference.  My mom starts so many of her sentences with the word "I."  As in "I feel like sh*t," "I haven't had a life," "I need you to understand," "I am so upset I can't move," "I have never been so mistreated," you get the picture.   Years ago, my MIL read a book that said people should feel empowered to make "I" statements.  It was some pop psych book about how you need to let people know what you want and how you feel.  Maybe my mom read the same book, because she is just full of "I" statements.