UPDmom, NPdSis, FM's, and Inheritance Issues

[M0009803]

I have posted a bit on here in as far as why I went no contact, which was a BBB-episode by my mother and older sister during my wedding (that was the last in a long line of shitty behavior towards my wife and myself).

What I didn't post however was that the day before my wedding, my mother informed me that I would not be getting any inheritance.  My siblings (all mostly enablers) would.

Needless to say that did not go over well with me, also it speaks to their dysfunction as disinheriting somebody the day before their wedding (which is supposed to be a happy day for them) is just insane from my point of view.

The thing is that I live in a country where it is not legally possible to do this to the children.    Having said that, I was kept in the dark surrounding my inheritance via my father (he died when I was very young) my entire life and never really questioned why.  My mother was the ruler of the house, and she determimed the finances.  When it came to money and legal matters, we where infantilised until very late in our adulthood (30s).  She essentially determined what was what, irrespective if it was legal or not.

Since my wedding, my wife (who is a lawyer) has been helping me to understand the legal aspects, and to acquire the necessary documents to force the issue (and get my share of my inheritance from my father).  I hired a lawyer, and we are now almost ready to throw down the gauntlet.

It took me about a year and a half to come to terms with what a shitty thing they had tried to do to me.  Having said that, I am now in a much better place so its time to fight back.

My question here is regarding my siblings.  I know that my mother and older sister are beyond redemption (they are damaged and will never change. I expect lots of hysterics feom them).  With my younger sister and older brother there are the following issues:

Younger sister (enabler)

She was horrifically abused by my mother in terms of her appearance for most of her life (she was overweight as a teenager which really did a number on her self-esteem).  I feel bad for her because I saw this for many years, but at the same time, I know deep down that when I force the issue with my mother regarding the inheritance, she will take my mothers side, primarily because she does not like rocking the boat (mother and sister might target her), and she has also received her share of the inheritance.

I have gone no contact with her, but am curious if it would be possible to have a relationship with her further on down the road, after the dust clears regarding the inheritance.

Older brother (now really GCBro)

This is the relationship that I really need help on.

My brother is a decent guy but he is very in the FOG.  He is succesful, and his wife is very much grounded (she is also not a fan on my mother and sister). My wife and I get on with them.

Having said that, my brother does not respect my boundaries.  I have told him several times not to involve me with my mother, sister, and younger sister, but he ends up always trying to patch things up (my mother uses him as an FM to Hoover).  I think he honestly sees this as a phase that will blow over eventually as my family was very enmeshed until I broke away.  For the record, my brother was also at the receiving end of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse by my mother when he was younger, but is choosing to shove that under the proverbial rug so to speak.  Alll of this in order for his daughter to have a family to co-exist with in our end of the family (his wifes family is quite healthy so he idealises that).  He has also received his share of the inheritance, and has not moved an inch to help me with the situation.

Admittedly, I was a bit in denial about him being an enabler, but in reality he is.  He directly profited from the situation (inheritance), but now doesn't want to rock the boat because it suits him.

I guess I need advice on how this situation could be handled.  I am fairly certain that I will win my court case (like I said before laws here regarding inheritances are very solid), but I want to have a post-inheritance relationship with my older brother, and possibly younger sister. 

The question here: how do I navigate this without ending up losing my entire direct family?

[illogical]

Hi M009803,

I think you have to do what you think is best for you and let the chips fall where they may.

You have no control over anyone's response except your own.  So you don't know how your siblings will react to your legal battle to gain your inheritance.  If you receiving your share means less for them (which I am assuming is the case) they may align with your mother and deem you "the enemy".  They may align themselves regardless, since it appears they are enmeshed with your mother. 

So my advice is to not let your siblings' reaction or response affect your decision to fight for your inheritance.  Let the chips fall, then see what comes out of the aftermath-- i.e., how your siblings treat you.  My personal feelings are, in the case of flying monkeys, if a FM does not bother to ask your side of things, just blindly aligns themselves with the PD parent, are they someone who has your best interest at heart?  Maybe this situation will serve to demonstrate to you who you can trust and who you cannot.  Take care!

[Groundhog Day]

I do agree with Illogical. When it comes to money, inheritance, family members can be very agressive and on the defence. We have had family members no longer speaking with us and bad mouthing. We were not invited on special occasions and awkward moments when we would see them in public. And that was all about us not wanting anything to do with an inheritance almost 20 years ago. There are sharks in this world, and we beleived if we stay clear of them the better our life would be. You do discover which ones were sincere and cared for you. But overall, most sides with the money.

Most likely they will gang against you in order to keep their gains. Your younger sister might understand your point of view or she could be convinced by other family members otherwise. As your older brother, from you discription, he will want to keep his inheritance and it might effect your relationship with him. It is a chance you have to take unless you ask your brother what he thinks about your intentions.

I totally understand as to how you feel being disinherited. Winning your case could be a financial gain but might effect your relationship with other family members as well. We never know how people will react. I wish you the best

[Yael924]

First of all, internet first bump to your wife. It's so nice that she is 100% in your corner.

And your GCBro reads like mine. Let's forget the past in exchange for fawning treatment and assorted cash and prizes......

But to your question.
There is one trick that has worked for me. It's giving them an easy out.
Example:
Well, yes, of course I took it to court. Mom was clearly just having an angry moment /misguided by poor legal advice / confused / whatever you think would work that places absolutely 0% blame on mom

And I just didn't want to burden (sibling) with helping straighten this out. I mean, I know you would have helped me because you are totally not the kind of person who would break the law and rob another sibling of their legal inheritance, I mean, what kind of person would do that? *shaking head at the absurdity of the suggestion*

It is using the rug sweep to you benefit. But it also prevents any discussion later of how hurt and betrayed and angry you are, because you agreed upfront that it was just a misunderstanding.

Good luck in whatever path you choose.

[Juniperberry]

It sounds to me like your parents have unwittingly given you a great escape from the dysfunction of your family by disinheriting you. 

Serious question -- why do you want this inheritance from your parents?  I get that money is involved, but honestly it's hard for me to understand why you'd want to enmesh yourself back into this dysfunction for some money. 

Is it life-changing money and you've made the decision that it's worth the pain?  Then you do what you have to and let the chips fall where they may, including losing your other family members if it comes to that. 

[KeepONKeepingON]

M0009803,

Sorry that you have to go threw this, it sounds really painful.

IMO you are legally entitled to this money, so if you want your inheritance you should start proceedings to receive it.

I don't think you can control your FOO's behaviour.

Maybe you could observe their behaviour when you request fair treatment?

If they act in a way that is not in your interests, then I think that's useful information for you. For me, I have become less tolerant of negative and toxic people and have phased members of my FOO from my life because they do not have my best interests at heart and wish me to remain in the same position in their dysfunctional family system.

IMO I deserve to have relationships with people that I love but that also love me and behave in a loving way towards me.

[M0009803]

It sounds to me like your parents have unwittingly given you a great escape from the dysfunction of your family by disinheriting you. 

Serious question -- why do you want this inheritance from your parents?  I get that money is involved, but honestly it's hard for me to understand why you'd want to enmesh yourself back into this dysfunction for some money. 

Is it life-changing money and you've made the decision that it's worth the pain?  Then you do what you have to and let the chips fall where they may, including losing your other family members if it comes to that.

The primary reason why my family is so dysfunctional is because of our mother.  Her increasingly volatile emotions where never sufficiently challenged growing up (and also into adulthood), which enabled her rather entitled view of the world when it comes to anything family related.

My inheritance comes from my father (who from what I heard growing up was a decent person. He died when I was 4).   

While the inheritance money would be welcome, to me this has become more about the principle of the thing.  This is not my mothers money to dole out (which is what she seems to think). This was my fathers property, and this was then passed on to his children upon his death.  She has no say in this, but because she is PD, she thinks she does, and that she can also get also get away with it (given that she has gotten away with it for decades).

PDs like my mother think they are untouchable (which allows them to think that they can do whatever they want to do), but in this instance, I do have the full weight of the law behind me, which I plan to use to inject some reality into their disordered thinking processes.

The reality is that I was targeted because my mother thought I would not fight back (as the scapegoat). That I would simply accept the situation and retreat.  Two years ago that would have been a reasonably accurate assessment, but that is not true today, primarily because of all the emotional growth I have had in the past few years.  And its because of this growth, that I now think it is important to speak up and challenge my PD mother via the courts.

I also don't plan to get personally involved.  I gave my lawyer his marching orders, and he will get it sorted for me (the case after all is quite clear).  Everything will be done at arms length, and I have zero intention of sitting in a room with them.

[Danden]

Your situation reminds me a lot of mine, in the past.  I had a very solid legal case and I took it up with my mother and sister and I asserted my rights.  I felt very good about doing that.  Although it didn't change all the crap that has passed, I felt good about standing up for myself.  I agree you would be better off by not interacting with them during this process.

I felt exactly as you do, it is the principle of the thing.  My mother also wanted to be in charge of my father's will.  He left his property to his two daughters, but my mother wanted it to be administered and managed by herself.  In other words, it should go to  her and SHE would decide what to give the children.  She even contested his will in court because of this. 

I thought exactly as you, it is not hers to do what she thinks.  Although you do have the full weight of the law behind you, I am pretty sure, however, they will find a way to say someone "did them wrong" so that it turned out in your favor.  It would be nice if understanding the legal process would enlighten them as to what is right and wrong, but that doesn't seem likely.  Good luck with your case, I hope it ends easily and painlessly for you.

[Juniperberry]

Gotcha.

That is interesting that your dad chose to will his money directly to his children after he died instead of willing his money to your mom (if they were married at the time).  Makes me wonder if he was quite aware of your mother's dysfunction and wanted to try to shelter you and your siblings as best he could. 

I think you have to own that your extended family is likely going to be upset with you, especially if they all feel like your mother is "just fine."  If principle here is important enough here for you to take action (which is certainly a fair thing to do!), then I think that principle also has to be more important to you than any other family member's ill-informed opinions.  Not fun, very unpleasant, but better to get your head around that as a given consequence now then to hope it will all be peachy and be disappointed. 

So sorry you are dealing with this. 

[Yael924]

Hey there, me again.

After reading your most recent post....First


And since you are running on principle, maybe saying to your siblings (if they object), "Hey, this is clearly what our father wanted for us. Our father's choices deserve to be respected."

And then listen to how they respond. That will tell you if you want a relationship with them.

[M0009803]

Gotcha.

That is interesting that your dad chose to will his money directly to his children after he died instead of willing his money to your mom (if they were married at the time).  Makes me wonder if he was quite aware of your mother's dysfunction and wanted to try to shelter you and your siblings as best he could. 

I think you have to own that your extended family is likely going to be upset with you, especially if they all feel like your mother is "just fine."  If principle here is important enough here for you to take action (which is certainly a fair thing to do!), then I think that principle also has to be more important to you than any other family member's ill-informed opinions.  Not fun, very unpleasant, but better to get your head around that as a given consequence now then to hope it will all be peachy and be disappointed. 

So sorry you are dealing with this.

They way the will is done in my country, is that half goes to the surviving spouse, and the other half to the children (there are more variations of this but at a basic level that is how it worked with us)

My mother already got her share of my fathers assets a long time ago.  What she didn't do is pass the other half of my fathers assets (property specifically) to her children.  When we were younger (dad died when I was 4) she was allowed to collect rent from these properties, and use it as she saw fit.  Problem is that when we became adults (18) she should have transferred the properties into our name, so we would officially "inherit" the assets our father had left us.

She did not do this and simply kept us all ignorant, thus collecting all the rent income for the last few decades.   It is worth noting that she did spend a big chunk of this money on us growing up, but she only did so with her completely controlling how it was spent.  This is the part I had a problem with, because I fully understand now that this is a clear case of infantilisation (this problem also extended to many other areas of our interactions with her) and this needs to be challenged now that I understand the situation.

I was essentially "disinherited" because I did not toe the line by not marrying my wife.   They targeted her (and by extension me) because she saw the dysfunction very quickly (her family is quite healthy), and she doesn't put up with any abuse.  This was a threat to both my mother & older sister (we call her mini-me) who are horribly enmeshed, and saw her as a person who would not be browbeaten (my older sisters husband is very passive which is why my mom is perfectly ok with having him around).



Thats essentially what is up for dispute.  My siblings would not lose any share of their inheritance.  My mother is only choosing to deny me my share of my inheritance (of my fathers propertied)

[daughter]

Retain a estate-planning lawyer, obtain a legal opinion.  I'd do that without involving your siblings, simply to confirm your legal rights, and timing of enforcement (distribution) of your supposed rightful inheritance.  If it's "law", then there's little to defend your mother's actions if you choose to seek enforcement of that inheritance distribution share entitled to you.

Lots of SGs posting here have been disinherited, whether by malevolent parent(s) or executor-sibling, some of us know in advance of our parents' deaths that this disinheritance has already been established, some will find out only after their parents' will is read after the funerals, and some only after executors' chicanery is fully-revealed.

[Juniperberry]

I agree with Daughter above.  Consult an estate lawyer privately and pay for an hour or so of their time to get a clear picture of how strong a case you have, what each step of it will look like and will likely cost you, and then make the decision to proceed or not with that information factored in.

You mother is going to be pissed, as probably will your siblings.  It's part of what you have to make your peace with if you choose to proceed. Stinks, but it is what it is and trying to not make people mad is not a good decision making strategy.  I think it may help with your decision to have some legal advice, which has the benefit of being a privileged piece of communication. 

[M0009803]

Daughter/Juniperberry,

We have hired a lawyer that specialises in family law (inheritances specifically).  He is researching things now, but his preliminary opinion is that the case is legally pretty simple.  I also have all the necessary documents (which took me a year and a half to collect because I was still recovering from the FOG)

My mother essentially makes her own reality with these sort of issues, which is why the threat of court action is the only thing that will work.  She would just ignore you otherwise.

The only thing they can really do is stall via the courts out of spite.  I expect this kind of behavior from my mother, so I have set aside adequate financial resources for this expense (got a preliminary estimate from the lawyer based on his experience)

I have also decided that I see just how things turn out with my two siblings (younger sis and older brother) once they are informed of the legalities of the situation (my mother also kept them in the dark so it is unlikely that they know the full extent of the situation).  I can't control their behavior or reactions, but I can observe how they handle this issue, and then make my decision regarding them accordingly.

[Juniperberry]

Sounds like you have things moving in a solid direction and guilt/fear of wrath is your biggest issue here at this point. 

Sucks, doesn't it, to feel guilty for doing the "right" thing.  And having family induce fear instead of comfort.  I totally relate.  Sending good vibes. 

[M0009803]

Thanks Juniperberry.  I have had to deal with a significant amount of toxic shame and guilt over the last few years in order to get to this (healthier) point, but I do think that I have now shed most of it with the help of my wife and this forum.

I would like to thank all of the regular posters here, because your posts really helped me.  I spent close to a year and a half reading all the relevant posts here (going back to 2013), which was very validating for me.  There where many times where I was conflicted (i.e. is it truly their behavior or is it mine?), but I was able to draw on the experiences posted in this forum to make a more informed decision in respect to the reality of the situation (which was clearly abusive).

I am usually not the kind of person that gets nervous regarding most things as I tend to be a left-brained, logical person when faced with a problem, but the first time I went to a lawyer to talk about my family situation I was sweating a lot and my hands where shaking (my wife told me that she had never seen me so nervous).  That's how much guilt I was carrying in regards to talking about family issues to an outsider. I also definitely felt I was betraying the family even though I knew (logically) that I was not.  I now understand the deep emotional conditioning that I endured growing up about this.   These days, I don't have the same guilt issues when talking to the lawyer, which I consider to be progress.

In any event, thanks a lot to everybody here for their help.   I'll update this thread in the future as I progress through the inheritance/family situation.

[M0009803]

Just to update this thread.

My mother and older sister have now been served with legal notices (May 10th)

Interestingly enough, the day after the legal notices were served, my older sister, whom I have not talked to in about 2 years, found me on Linkedin (I de-friended her a long time ago) to say that "she was worried about me".

My wife had a good laugh over that one.   Such a PD thing to do.

[Seven]

Keep us updated.  I'm really curious how this turns out.  My MIL threatened disinheritance of DH of the money that she didn't even make.  FIL was the breadwinner while she didn't work a lick (which is fine I guess, sign of the times and all).  And for no other reason than she didn't like he was becoming his own man (thanks to me I guess)

[M0009803]

Update

They responded to the lawyer and made an offer on the value of my inheritance from my father.  They also want to "meet" to discuss gifting me some properties that are part-owned & owned by my mother (under normal circumstances I would call this possible Estate Planning but this likely to come with lots of "conditions" knowing her).  In any event, I get a share of her assets when she dies no matter what happens, so I am tempted to simply ignore this request outright.

It's about what I expected they would do. They have to respond because they are legally obliged to offer me something.  They essentially under-valued the main property (by using an old valuation), and made references to my share of properties that were sold years ago (so essentially properties where sold and I did not receive my share at the time).  Given this happened 20+ years ago, its pretty laughable that they conveniently ignore the time value of money (so the money in notional terms sat in an account earning a return and they kept it that excess return)  No mention of any rental payments at any of the properties whatsoever (which are likely to be substantial).

So like I said, this is about what I expected.   They still think they can throw me a bone and I will be ok with it.  At this point, I am going to have my lawyer and myself dig for the necessary information in order to build a tighter case in negotiations/court.  Not planning on attending the meeting either.  They can outline what they want to tell me in writing via my lawyer.

[M0009803]

Update 2

Sister and mother caved.   Once the legal situation was explained to them by their lawyer, their attitude changed immensely (inheritance in my country is very specific and you just cant do what you want.  Of course, the party being victmised needs to be able to fight back, and this requires knowledge and resources).  One of the main problems that I have had to deal with (now and when I was growing up) was my mother making up her own version of reality.  And because I had no resources (monetary or other), I had to put up with her behavior.  Over time, this enabled her and caused significantly worse behavior from her (everybody in my immediate family contributed to this, but because I was the most outspoken in regards to her behaviors, I ended up being the scapegoat/person most heavily targeted).

I do have to say that it is immensely validating to be able to make my voice heard, even if via my lawyers.    It is crazy-making when you know you have a valid, reasonable point of view but are ignored/dismissed by the disordered components of the family simply because they are who they are.  This has caused me profound emotional damage over the years, and I am now happy to be able to put it behind me.