Is going NC cowardly and/or passive?

Started by feelingandhealing, January 21, 2021, 09:48:55 PM

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feelingandhealing

I am still very new here. Other than my introductory post in the Welcome Mat, this is my first post.

Lately I keep asking myself whether going NC with my uNPDM was a passive and/or cowardly action. I am wondering if I have acted in an emotionally immature manner especially as I have not advised my uNPDM that I have gone NC. I began NC upon reaching my breaking point.

I know my uNPDM's behaviours are not normal. I know, at the age of 86 and being narcissist, she is not going to change. I know I do not want additional emotional abuse from her. I know we have no real relationship and never will have one. I know I want to heal.

I am reading Lindsay Gibson's excellent book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Of course, the book describes uNPDM to a tee. I guess I am seeing and feeling some emotional immaturity in myself. I am having lingering feelings as to whether going NC, and especially going NC without communicating to her that I've gone NC, is cowardly and/or passive.  uNPDM is a covert passive aggressive narcissist and I really dislike when I observe myself acting in any passive manners.

I am 55 and have gone NC because I wish to protect DW and I (we don't have children) against further abuse and trauma. I am pleased with the decision and sure do not miss the communications and interactions with the dark cloud and albatross. Yet something just doesn't quite seem right. Maybe it is simply a matter of (to paraphrase Margalis Fjelstad) without the chaos, normal does not feel so normal.

My T believes going NC is not passive. I guess being the ACON that I am, I am just looking for further validation. Then again, even if it is passive, isn't one the main things at play here being..... that for the first time in my life, I am taking a strong stance on the past madness and am doing something about it?   

It has not been my intent to offend any long time NC'ers with this post. I completely respect everyone and anyone who is NC. I am NC myself. Has anyone else had similar feelings regarding NC?
You Can't Rush Your Healing - Trevor Hall

Isolation is a darkness to experience, but not a place in which to live - Kubler-Ross & Kessler

Seven

It's late and I'm beat, but to answer your question...

No, it is not cowardly or passive.  It's actually very courageous and aggressive (in a positive way). You are protecting yourself and your DW from further abuse.  After over 5 decades you are putting yourself first. 

You are not required to tell her why either.  That's just food for fodder.  Ammunition for her.  It would just go in one ear and out the other.  Like she'd be saying "what did I do wroooong" as you're literally telling her what she's doing wrong.  My uNPDm is 90 (I'm 49 next week) and she is covert PA as well, so I know where you're coming from.

Yes, it seems weird, but enjoy your new normal.  It may take a bit to get use to, but you deserve it. God, it's so liberating when you finally come to realize who you are without her in your head.

DetachedAndEngaged

I commend you for taking the steps to rid your life of PD BS, feelingandhealing!

Going NC is a conscious decision--it is an activity. Since it is unusual behavior for you, it will take vigilance to maintain. Hopefully, it will become second nature over time and will require increasingly less active vigilance on your part.

In this sense, the more passive it becomes, the more you will heal.

There's no point in telling your uNPDM your decision. Actually, it would be counter-productive.

What NPD's crave is attention. They prefer positive attention, but negative attention is the next best thing.

Love and hate are not opposites--they are contrasting valences of attachment. The opposite of both is indifference.


SunnyMeadow

Quote from: Seven on January 22, 2021, 02:25:05 AM
No, it is not cowardly or passive.  It's actually very courageous and aggressive (in a positive way). You are protecting yourself and your DW from further abuse.  After over 5 decades you are putting yourself first. 

I agree with this. I see going NC as coming from a position of strength. You're protecting yourself and keeping her out!

Hepatica

Quote from: feelingandhealing on January 21, 2021, 09:48:55 PM
I began NC upon reaching my breaking point.

This is a very important statement. You were at a breaking point. It is your job to take care of yourself and your DW. But after years of being trained to take care of the narcissist parent, we have a hard time implementing self-care. It feels like we are going against the grain.

I think it is really important that we never take the decision to go no contact lightly. We have to understand that we are doing it, not to punish the disordered person, but to heal ourselves. So it is not a passive act, it is an active choice to focus on what we need to get better.

If you grew up with a NPD or disordered parent, most likely you have residual trauma. It is really hard to heal post-trauma when we are still engaged with our abuser. Our systems are wired for hypervigilance and we need to work on calming our nervous systems. That's how we heal and it is nearly impossible to do that if we keep engaged in the drama that comes with disorder.

And we can always revisit our choices. I am sure a lot of people spend time taking a break from a disordered parent and then return to LC or minimal. I wonder how many are able to maintain that? I am curious about that, because we are fairly certain, disordered people rarely change.

My mind plays tricks on me occasionally and I tear apart my decision to go NC. But when I try to imagine regaining contact with them I know that I am not ready and may never be (my parents are elderly.) Because I am so invested in healing my trauma I continue the course of NC, working on settling my nervous system. I feel grief about it. I won't lie. NC is also a loss for us. But the alternative is much harder.

"There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

DistanceNotDefense

Hi feelingandhealing. Welcome  :)

Honestly what you are feeling is a very normal part of going NC it would seem (I've learned that on this forum). It's normal for us to doubt ourselves and our stance, especially when we are dealing with the very people who raised us to be so self-doubting. I deal with it often.

If you were dealing with other people who dealt with problems in an honest and truthful way, then yes, this could be considered cowardly maybe, and running away from the problem.

But the thing is, you're dealing with people who will not want to hear the truth, see your side, or deal with conflict logically and fairly. No amount of bravery or honesty from you will change that or them, and will only bring you more harm. Yes, that's the way healthy people deal with things - but you're not dealing with healthy people.

The thing we really need to let go of and be brave about is realizing that our actions in the situation will do nothing, accepting that, and letting go, which is scary. I'm starting to feel like that's the thing I'm truly scared of in NC, even more than what my family might do next. Nothing we do can change them. They need to do that work themselves, if they ever get around to it. What feels like avoidance and running away is actually the bravest step, but we tend to classically see courage as being truthful and confrontational.

You're making a very brave decision.  :)

I think the true bravery is accepting, letting go, and sticking with the choices that bring us the most peace and happiness no matter what those look like, and no matter who resents them.

JustKat

Welcome feelingandhealing,

No no no, going NC is not passive or cowardly. It's an incredibly courageous thing to do. You were strong enough to finally say "enough," and I applaud you for having that strength.

Like you, I also went NC with my mother after reaching my breaking point. I never told her my reasons because, after 50 years of abuse, she knew. Telling them your reasons just gives them ammunition to use against you, so it's really best to leave things as they are. It's not easy at the beginning, but as you build a new life away from her torment you'll realize that you did the right thing. Any second thoughts and/or feelings of guilt will become feelings of freedom and liberation. It's hard at first, but believe me, it gets better!

It sounds like you have a really good therapist, which is great. Keep posting here as well. People who haven't lived with a PD parent don't understand, and may try to guilt you. The people here truly get it.
You're not alone.  :hug:

treesgrowslowly

 :yeahthat:

I have been NC from uNPDm for over 10 years and I have not told her yet.

Healthy families don't feel like this. It took me a while to get it though. Support from others is crucial to healing.

I am sorry you've had to join us as a fellow NC but I very much believe it is not cowardly at all to protect yourself and make space to heal.

Trees

Kiki81

NC going on 7 years. Very difficult. It's hardwired into us to always hold on to our end of their rope. But even though it was hard in the beginning, the compounding benefits make NC so worth it

Blueberry Pancakes

I believe with my whole heart that, no, it is not cowardly or passive/aggressive to go No Contact. I actually think it is the opposite.     
   
You were at your breaking point. it is hard to understand if you haven't been there. It is not a choice, it is kind of a desperate act we are driven to out of self-preservation. It was them or you. You chose you. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually you backed out of a bad spot to save the quality of your existence in your life. It sounds dramatic, but when you have a NPD parent/s, they zap life out of you.   
       
I think actually it is brave.  I think when we become adults it becomes even harder because you can look back on so much of your life and notice limits or damage that you accepted to keep peace with this parent who still was not happy with you.

There does not seem to be a way to peacefully sign off either. Explaining or attempting to get common understanding just sends conversation back around in circles of blame and confusion. No need to allow that anymore. You do not go NC for them, you go NC to allow good things in your life to unfold and to experience the fullness of living that you otherwise could not have. I think it is a very healthy move. 
     
   

feelingandhealing

Thanks to everyone who has replied. It means so much to me for you to be sharing your comments and encouraging words. Many of you stated things that resonate with me such as: "what feels like avoidance and running away is actually the bravest step", "the people here truly get it. You're not alone", and "support from others is crucial to healing".

Seven, thanks for replying when it was late and you were beat. Like it says in your signature, "the only winning move is...not to play". Amen to that.

Taking care of myself and DW continues to be my top priority now. As many of you have stated directly or indirectly, there are things to un-learn and things to learn such as dealing with trauma. I know I have more pain and trauma beneath the surface that I need to address. And being NC allows us to do that. 
You Can't Rush Your Healing - Trevor Hall

Isolation is a darkness to experience, but not a place in which to live - Kubler-Ross & Kessler

daughter

#11
It took four different therapists, over four decades, to convince me to become NC.  I thought my parents would destroy me if I wasn't a compliant and dutiful daughter.  I was petrified of my NPD-enmeshed nmom's rage and endad's anger. Took all four therapists, little by little, to convince me that my role in life was not to fulfill the whims and demands of my parents, but rather to fulfill my own life.  Took a long time to propel me to do the right thing, which takes courage and assertive action to implement. No, it's not passive, and not cowardly, to decide to be NC, and in fact it's the bravest choice many of us have made in our lives. Best wishes to you. Courage!

blues_cruise

No on both counts. Assuming you've done what you can to salvage a relationship and there's no prospect of things improving, I think it takes a lot of courage to go no contact with an abusive parent, knowing full well that most people won't understand it, that you will be negatively judged for it by society and that other family members are likely to disapprove and potentially turn their backs on you. It's also a very active statement of "We're not doing this anymore. I will NOT actively allow you to abuse me any longer." which I think is the opposite of passive.
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

feelingandhealing

Thank you for your guidance and support.

Quote from: daughter on January 24, 2021, 11:06:40 PM
my role in life was not to fulfill the whims and demands of my parents, but rather to fulfill my own life. 
What you wrote is so true. I am working on that fulfilment now.

Quote from: blues_cruise on January 30, 2021, 11:49:42 AM
We're not doing this anymore. I will NOT actively allow you to abuse me any longer.
There is no real adult relationship to save in my situation, so I entirely agree with you. Going NC has provided much needed damage control for myself and DW.

Thanks to both of you for providing courage to continue with the NC and most importantly with healing     
You Can't Rush Your Healing - Trevor Hall

Isolation is a darkness to experience, but not a place in which to live - Kubler-Ross & Kessler

KeepingMyBlue

Not cowardly. Every time I choose to respond in a more mature way (which is often silence), I have to fight the training from a broken parent, and pressure from the Hallmark Crowd, and do what's best for me and mine, and it's not passive or easy. It is okay to be proud of that.

If you go back to any contact, it takes a brave struggle to build and enforce new boundaries.

Whatever you decide, this community has been very supportive, even when holding each other accountable, it's in love.

hhaw

Quote from: KeepingMyBlue on March 10, 2021, 05:46:56 PM
Not cowardly. Every time I choose to respond in a more mature way (which is often silence), I have to fight the training from a broken parent, and pressure from the Hallmark Crowd, and do what's best for me and mine, and it's not passive or easy. It is okay to be proud of that.



Echoing KMB here.

Also, it's helpful to discern one's own voice from the broken parent voices installed in our brains from birth.

Once we become mindful of the voicesand, there's more clarity and less confusion in all to things, particularly with going NC, IME.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

feelingandhealing

Thanks for the ongoing encouragement, support, and comments from your experiences. That all really helps. It has now been seven months of NC and I am more and more re-assured it was and is the correct decision. Together, everyone here is part of a wonderful healing journey   
You Can't Rush Your Healing - Trevor Hall

Isolation is a darkness to experience, but not a place in which to live - Kubler-Ross & Kessler

Starboard Song

#17
The answer to your title question is No.

QuoteI am 55 and have gone NC because I wish to protect DW and I (we don't have children) against further abuse and trauma. I am pleased with the decision and sure do not miss the communications and interactions with the dark cloud and albatross. Yet something just doesn't quite seem right.

Here are some other situations where something doesn't seem right:

  • When an innocent young man finds himself in hand-to-hand combat at war
  • When a mild-mannered woman does the job of executioner in a prison
  • When a fire department sets a controlled building burn

There are general moral rules we follow without resort to arguments in their favor.
They are simply adhered to without question by the vast majority of humans in all cultures. Respect for life and the primacy of family are among these. We are hard-wired, almost, to protect life and cling to family. And good thing, too! It is almost always the right thing to do. Weird, racist Aunt Sally should keep being invited to Christmas dinner, probably. We continue to include Uncle Harry who curses around the kids. And troublesome family who are always nit-picking and negative? You bet. We generally accomodate even them. Good human beings are loathe to set aside these general rules of decorum. We know they are bigger than us. And you are a good person, so "something just doesn't seem quite right." Good for you.

But those rules are more actual guidelines.
When we seek to protect ourselves and those we love from further abuse and trauma, we are acting in a highly moral way. That is exactly what you are doing. When we thoughtfully set aside those general rules as needed so that we can thrive, we are acting with courage to make ourselves our bests. Good for you.

NC is only weak or passive if it is our path of first resort.
We ought not never leap to NC. We ought never embrace it as the first solution. Those general rules of decorum are hard but very wise for humanity as a whole, and they ought not be set aside lightly. But when we've attempted to administer boundaries, when we have fought the good fight, or when otherwise we learn that any person makes effective boundaries no longer administerable -- when necessary to thrive -- we must make the brave and courageous call and accept the path of last resort, and go NC. We do this when that other party can be relied upon to impede our peace in significant ways. Good for you.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

ShyTurtle

This thread is like chicken soup for the soul! I'm 6 months into nc with my pdm...she keeps sending cheques in the mail which I don't cash, and keeps trying to reach out to me. It takes strength to resist her attempts to make contact and hold on to your resolve to prioritize your own healing. Initially it was one of the bravest things I've ever done. Keep on keeping on, brave one!
🐝➕

AlisonWonder

What stands out at me from this post is, if you are known to "put family first", what power does that give an unscrupulous, deceitful person over you?  Can't they behave worse and worse once they know that about you?
I think that's why every set of rules is doomed to fail over time  The rules themselves give too much information to
an enemy that is devious and ruthless.

Quote from: Starboard Song on March 15, 2021, 11:44:18 AM
The answer to your title question is No.

QuoteI am 55 and have gone NC because I wish to protect DW and I (we don't have children) against further abuse and trauma. I am pleased with the decision and sure do not miss the communications and interactions with the dark cloud and albatross. Yet something just doesn't quite seem right.

Here are some other situations where something doesn't seem right:

  • When an innocent young man finds himself in hand-to-hand combat at war
  • When a mild-mannered woman does the job of executioner in a prison
  • When a fire department sets a controlled building burn

There are general moral rules we follow without resort to arguments in their favor.
They are simply adhered to without question by the vast majority of humans in all cultures. Respect for life and the primacy of family are among these. We are hard-wired, almost, to protect life and cling to family. And good thing, too! It is almost always the right thing to do. Weird, racist Aunt Sally should keep being invited to Christmas dinner, probably. We continue to include Uncle Harry who curses around the kids. And troublesome family who are always nit-picking and negative? You bet. We generally accomodate even them. Good human beings are loathe to set aside these general rules of decorum. We know they are bigger than us. And you are a good person, so "something just doesn't seem quite right." Good for you.

But those rules are more actual guidelines.
When we seek to protect ourselves and those we love from further abuse and trauma, we are acting in a highly moral way. That is exactly what you are doing. When we thoughtfully set aside those general rules as needed so that we can thrive, we are acting with courage to make ourselves our bests. Good for you.

NC is only weak or passive if it is our path of first resort.
We ought not never leap to NC. We ought never embrace it as the first solution. Those general rules of decorum are hard but very wise for humanity as a whole, and they ought not be set aside lightly. But when we've attempted to administer boundaries, when we have fought the good fight, or when otherwise we learn that any person makes effective boundaries no longer administerable -- when necessary to thrive -- we must make the brave and courageous call and accept the path of last resort, and go NC. We do this when that other party can be relied upon to impede our peace in significant ways. Good for you.