I am exhausted

[escapingman]

I am exhausted, this all is taking a real toll on me. We are in the middle of the finances battle, custody case ramping up and I have no real support and looking after DD on my own.

I list control and got triggered by DD and got in to fight or flight. I had got a letter from school about a match she is playing tomorrow, it mentioned what kit she is supposed to wear. When I told her she started shouting at me she already know and then when I tried to calm her down she just kept shouting at me and made fun of me. I got so triggered as she was so mean to me and I just didn't know what to do. All I wanted to do was cry, but I was taking her to training giving a friend a lift as well so had to keep it together.

Now I am sitting in the car during their training just wanting to cry. I feel totally useless and wonder why am I fighting for the kids when they are clearly better off without me. I am just a f**ked up looser that can't even manage a kid.

[Srcyu]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.
It's possible DD was tense about tomorrows game I suppose. Some fairly gentle boundaries with how she is allowed to treat you might be called for. For example:- the sports kit will have been laundered by you no doubt and that's why you needed to know about it. Next time, if she can't be civil about it then the kit doesn't get washed. One more example:- the lift from you to the game does not take place next time if ....... she can't show you respect beforehand.
She does need you and there seems to be times when she forgets that. Just nudge her gentle reminders.

[rockandhardplace]

I can relate. I haven't managed to leave yet but have a lot of these kinds of interactions and the same feelings. It's so frickin hard to be the safe parent. who is holding us? We need to hold them and not react if they lose control, but who is holding us? I similarly have minimal support. But I keep thinking about the trauma response. One thing I only found out recently is that collapse is usually worse than fight. My interpretation is that when in the trauma the most extreme response is collapse, so things like fawning or just being quiet, going along with things. So fight or flight is actually a step up from collapse. I wonder if your dd is actually moving up the ladder? Years ago my psychologist told me to stop reacting to my eldest like it was the UPDh. Even though she would use the same language and tone as him, it's not him. I have to remind myself she is only responding how she has learnt. But it's so friggin hard. Especially when we're not getting enough support and we are still in the thick of our own trauma. When you say you got triggered I can literally feel that myself. Having your child make fun of you in the way your ex did is crushing on so many levels.
I agree with windmill. She does need you. In fact she needs you more than ever, but she probably doesn't know it and she has her own trauma. And teenage hormones too. I find it so hard to know what behaviours of my teens are normal pushback / teen rudeness and what is evidence of them being alienated from me / looking down on me. I would let myself have that cry and then remind myself this is learned behaviour and as much as we want our kids to empathise with how much we've been through and be gentle and good all the time, they are just kids. After these things happen I always come up with a better way of responding. Occasionally I've managed to respond better in the moment so I hope that with practice I'll get triggered less. So instead of arguing you could've said oh okay that's good, is your kit ready? Then if she went off saying you should've got it ready or something and she's being nasty something like "I don't like how you are speaking to me right now, we can continue this conversation when you calm down".  Or something? Actually maybe we need a thread just of canned responses to triggers??

[Associate of Daniel]

Your situation is so fraught, EM.  I'm really sorry.

One thing that comes to my mind is that many teenagers seem to feel the need to look "cool" to their friends in front of their parents.  That can often cause them to be rude to or about their parents when they are with their friends.

I wonder if this might have been an additional factor in this latest situation with your dd.

AOD

[escapingman]

Thanks for all your kind posts, you are all right. After training when dropped the friend off and it was just me and DD we both said sorry to each other and cuddled. We are strong together, but also broken by the abuse. I will have to make up a rule book with some simple rules she needs to adhere to, but at the same time I am wondering why as the future is so unsure. But the bottom line is that I am scared of my own reaction to a bit of push back from DD, I didn't even want to react that way - it was like someone took over my body and just reacted. Maybe it was a lot of anger kept inside that just needed out when triggered.

[losingmyself]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how tough it is.
There are a couple sentences you wrote that I kept going back to.
"When I tried to calm her down"  She and you are in a state right there that just needs space. I picture trying to calm down an angry beehive that you've disturbed. Just isn't going to work. When she yells at you about something, I imagine you saying something like "I'm not going to stay here and be spoken to like that" In a kind tone. No reason to react strongly, just stating a fact.  And get away, maybe telling her to come speak to you when she can do it without yelling. Hopefully this will give your system a chance to calm down, as well.
Also, you spoke of anger. You have a lot to be angry about! And there's nothing wrong with that emotion. We all have it! There are therapeutic ways to deal with that anger, to get it out, and I'm sure you can find something online that works for you. I think Dr Ramani has some ideas. " We are strong together, but also broken by the abuse." That is a beautiful way to put it, EM.
Keep your head up, it'll get better. It has to.
LM

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi,

Just want to add to the already great replies here.

If you can identify some ways that help you to work with your anger, far far away from your DD, ie like a gym punching bag or going for a run or writing out everything you are angry about...it will pay dividends in your relationship with your DD for years to come. Children even teens (maybe especially teens) look to us to help them co-regulate.

No one is a perfect parent and when we apologize to our kids for our own meltdowns it can really show them good things too.

Parenting a teen while managing a high conflict divorce is very stressful. Give yourself some slack.

Underneath anger is usually other emotions. I have found with teens it is helpful to prepare yourself for them to be in whatever mood they are in that day (or hour).

Did you let yourself cry? Lots of research shows that people usually feel better after a good cry. It can release a lot of pent up cortisol etc.

Trees

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

We are strong together, but also broken by the abuse


I've been there  - I get it, the emotions are just so powerful and come out of no where.

I'm trying to work on my own triggers, not successful yet, but I keep trying

You are doing a great job.  I've read your posts, EM, and you have had so much to deal with .  I'm impressed by your ability to keep going.

[escapingman]

Thanks for all your replies.

I can see that I had so many emotions bottled up inside me, I have tried to stay totally calm in all situations. Even tried to smile and brush over absolute idiots out in the traffic, but it's hard to smile to everyone all the time and just let it go. It can be beneficial to just shout in the car on my own, call some idiots for just that idiots (but only in the car so they don't hear it). But I was taken by surprise with DD's behaviour the other day and I could not control the fight/flight response coming. I was a wreck all evening after that and have not really got back to feeling normal until now. DD had another meltdown yesterday, she dropped an earring on the street and could not find it, but I managed to stay calm and comfort her and then search for it together eventually finding it.

I had a few dreams last night that involved STBX, they way they were I think I am healing from her abuse. She had a new supply in the dream and I was totally fine with it, actually happy that she had moved on. In the dream I could hear her abusing this new supply and felt sorry for him. I wonder if the dream came about as I saw her yesterday. She came in the car and I got a look at her face and it felt like seeing a ghost, it went like a shock through my body and then I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing, no hate, no love, just nothing. She then tried her best to get attention by coming back and turning her car around just where I was parked, and sitting with her light on directly into my car. DD was with me and we just wondered what the h*ll she was doing as it would have been quicker to drive round the block.

I just want all this to be over now, it's almost a year since I started the divorce process and this roller coaster is really draining. I came across a video on youtube today, it really cheered me up and gave me some strength in what I am dealing with. It's by Rebecca Zung, I know she isn't everybodys cup of tea, but this one is spot on. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zm4-ABvDr_M

[WhiteWolf]

Give yourself some grace. You can’t expect yourself to react in the most ideal ways right now and that’s ok. And neither can she most likely. As long as she knows you love her you can work through this. And are the thoughts about not being able to manage her your’s or your stbx’s? Stay the course.

[guitarman]

Thank you for your post and your honesty about your feelings.

It has been nearly three years since going no contact with my uBPD/NPD sister. She still haunts my dreams and my waking thoughts.

Every day is different. Sometimes she's there dominating my mind at other times she isn't but that was how she was when I was in contact with her. She was either in a life threatening crisis or extremely happy and content with life when I could relax for a bit. So I got used to those extremes.

My daily routine involves practising Mindfulness meditations every day. I try to be kinder and gentler with myself. I realise that I have experienced a lot of trauma over a long period of time and that it's going to take a long time to cope with and process what has happened.

I forgive myself for times when I feel triggered and revert to old patterns of thinking and behaving. I am only human and say to myself that I will do better the next time. I could so easily get provoked into anger but I now recognise what is happening and why my mind and body are reacting that way.

I often feel scared and frightened. It can exacerbate and I can feel out of control and overwhelmed. I can feel anxious and worry so much about everything. However I talk to myself with my calm adult voice to help soothe and comfort my unkind thoughts. I am more capable than I at first believe.

We have experienced a lot of trauma. We need to be kinder, more gentle, more loving and more forgiving to ourselves for all the trauma and abuse we have experienced. Our bodies and minds can automatically go into overdrive in order to protect us and keep us alive. Healing and recovery take time. It is a life long journey. We learn so much about ourselves along the way. Life is a teacher.

Some of the teachers and mentors I follow online are Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, Alex Howard, Dr Ramani, Kris Godinez, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Marsha Linehan and so many others. I am so grateful for all their teachings and wisdom. I am so grateful for all the people that I have met at the support groups that I have attended for many years. We are not alone.

We can be negative about ourselves and our achievements. We have come a long way. We need to praise ourselves for all that we have achieved in order to protect ourselves and our families. We may have a negativity bias where we can catastrophize everything and see all that is wrong rather than all that is right and positive with our situation. We need to keep working on building our self esteem.

Your daughter's behaviour will change eventually. However she behaves she is learning that she is safe with you. However she behaves towards you she knows that you won't behave like her mother does towards her. You won't abandon her, so she maybe testing your boundaries to make herself feel safe. She may not be able to articulate or understand all that she feels. She is learning about her emotions and trying to cope with all the extreme trauma she has witnessed.

[hhaw]

I'll gently suggest the book THE PARALLEL PROCESS again.  It was SO helpful to me..... I'll re read it when I get my hands on it again. 

It provides a wonderful framework and takes a lot of the struggle and conflict out of the parent/child relationship, which is a gift.

That said.... EM, really think about what's behind the anger.... sink into it.... find the place in your body where it lives and identify it. 

Cross your arms over our chest and pat yourself on the shoulders, like you're comforting a child, and have whatever's behind the anger...... often it's sadness.

Keep breathing..... this too will pass.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Hhaw - I looked up the book, and it requested it from my library.

Great suggestion for many of us

[escapingman]

I did something I never managed before, I sent a letter to the SW and was very firm with my opinion. I didn't complain but I did put my opinions down and what I think is going on. I got a reply where she seemed to deny some of it but I replied with the same kind of tone and I got a really good reply. It's amazing how I have never been assertive before and just kept my opinions to myself. No idea if anything comes out of this but I feel good I have got my point of view through and without a fall out.

[hhaw]

Remember to keep pressing the children's best interests, rinse and repeat, EM.  It's difficult for people to talk you out of children's safety and best interests, ime.  It's hard to justify harmful choices and ignoring evidence, so refer gently to specific evidence or include it in your correspondence so you're providing clarity as you go.

Flowers, I think you'll find the book helpful: )

[escapingman]

Thanks hhaw.

I put the parental alienation firmly at her door and if she ignores that now at least I have it in writing.

Without going in to details, STBX is trying to orchestrate something in the background. I am pretty sure I know what is going on and if she doesn't get her way this could be the opportunity for her to let her mask slip. The months coming up to Christmas is the worst every year, and she regularly loses it fending up with a grand finale on Christmas day.

I just realise writing the above. I am not involved in her Christmas this year. I don't need to get anxious already now. I just don't need any involvement. I can just stay calm and relaxed.

[hhaw]

Yup.  Everything in writing, organized while pointing out the important things and making sure the SW was aware and chose to ignore that hard evidence.

[SonofThunder]

"I just realise writing the above. I am not involved in her Christmas this year. I don't need to get anxious already now. I just don't need any involvement. I can just stay calm and relaxed."

Bingo! 

Well done EM!

SoT

[escapingman]

As I wrote in another thread, I revisited the recordings and listened to a few. I got a few very different to the ones already submitted, these ones are from the very end and proves how STBX was turning GC against me. She used a completely negative language towards me which GC joined in with and they both together laughed and swore at me. I can't believe I actually lived like that for so long. I will have to wait and see if I can use them in some way. But they show her in such bad light that anyone that might have any interest in knowing the truth only need to listen to them.

[hhaw]

EM:

Along with that evidence, you also have VERY currrent evidence the stbx name called DD to the SW.... blaming DD and calling her bad, etc. I forget the exact words, but you have that somewhere.

The evidence you have is extensive which creates a whole'nuther layer of stress in your life. 

Organizing, having all the evidence at hand during every conversation you have or refer to so you can discern an EXACT piece of evidence, depending on the person and topic being discussed, is an actual JOB.

If you look at it like a job, set aside time to dive in and deal with it when you're calmer and ready to do that...... you begin limiting the trauma and stress.  The more organized you are.... the easier it is to lay your hands on what you neeed WHEN you need it...... the less stress involved, IME.

Learning to remain level when putting forth evidence is huge and requires some ability to calm yourself and remain calm or at least pretend you're calm by learning what you can and can't do when speaking to others about this stuff.

One of the best weapons the PDs rely on is the non sabotaging themselves, reacting, babbling/chain thoughts they can't control that spill when triggered..... getting upset bc their children are being harmed..... discering what evidence would be most effective and pulling it, presenting it without expectation or ANY defensiveness...... just presenting the best possible case like a little helper elf who's really trying to educate EVERYONE with good will and zero judgment.

It's where I ended up after 8 years of battling in the legal system.

I hope you get there sooner and with less suffering.