The next step.

[square]

I've been on the waiting list for this subsidized apartment for 10 months. A couple of weeks ago, I followed up just to check in - was terrified of waiting all this time and then having them say "huh? We don't have you on any list." Also, I maaaaaay have been motivated right then after my husband was yelling the most contemptuous things he could think of to me.

They responded and said that I was not near the top of the list yet. No, they couldn't estimate how much longer.

I noted that I only felt dismay and no relief at this. It would not have surprised me if I had felt mixed feelings. I want to go, but I'm really scared.

Anyway. Today I get another message. I'm near the top of the list now, and I've been given forms and stuff to fill out.

So that was a real 180. How did I feel about it? I don't even know. I think I just feel overwhelmed about getting this done.

I guess because it's subsidized, they want so much stuff. Even a birth certificate. Problem is, I have misplaced ALL MY IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS. I've known this since earlier this year, but have been unable to deal with it. I had everything in a folder and the folder is gone. I didn't realize this apartment thing would require these documents. And I have a 10 day deadline.

Well, I'm going to have DD help me look again on Saturday, and if no luck, I'll both get the ball rolling and just inform the housing folks what is happening and just try to work this out somehow.

Other problems. I have to list everybody who will reside there. So that's me, and DD. She can split her time between us however she likes. Well, as an adult, she has to sign the papers. I haven't told her about this, and do not wish to tell her until after I tell my husband.

I don't even know if they will actually accept me. I make a bit under the minimum income requirement, but I got on the waiting list by arguing that I am frugal and have a lot of savings to prove it. Well, those savings have drained a LOT since then; for example DD's car needed thousands of dollars in repairs, earlier this year we had a catastrophic home repair, and there were 6 months when my husband would not stay in budget and I had to pull thousands out to pay for his beer and vapes before I came up with the idea of splitting the finances.

It's not a good idea for me to tell my husband now. They don't have a spot for me yet, it's just that I'm close enough in line to get my paperwork in order so I'm ready to go when a spot opens up. That could be months from now.

I actually wish I could tell him because he should have the opportunity to make a plan. He is going to be absolutely stuck and I hate hate hate that. He cannot afford the mortgage alone. (I can't afford my rent alone, either. I'm CRAZY for doing this.) But he would not be able to handle the news in any constructive ways.

Ugh, I need to get something out. Another post...

[square]

This is something I've wanted to express but could not. Going to try.

TRIGGER WARNING will discuss another person's suicidal ideation, plus probably mention a completed suicide.

I don't know how this can work out. I'm really scared. I am well aware that y'all's advice is to not worry about my husband, his situation will not be my problem. I don't know if that will be helpful to me.

If PD is a factor at all here, it's not the only factor. He is not just stringing me along. He is very ill. He legitimately is struggling to function at all.

He does think about suicide. He does not believe there is any place for him, any hope for him.

I also know he has lost any problem solving skills. Another adult could maybe think of cleaning up the house and getting a roommate, or another solution, but I don't know.

I lost my best friend to suicide. I couldn't help her. My husband feels I am a selfish and uncaring friend because I didn't try hard enough and maybe he feels I don't blame myself enough. I mostly don't blame myself, but his voice says that's bad, you see? But also he doesn't know what I experienced or even what she experienced.

He is not in a good place. He is not going to just deal with this and move on. I don't know what he'll do but it's not good.

He is also estranged from his family, so there is no help there. His mom could have financially helped him some, but at what cost? There is a very good reason he is estranged.

I can't even organize my thoughts on any of this.

I hate all of this, absolutely hate it, and on paper it looks like a very bad idea, and yet I want out. I need out.

[winter storm]

HI Square,   
Feeling for you in your situation.  I would likely feel a sense of overwhelm in the same situation. Can you just take it bit by bit....i.e. search for the paperwork or apply for new paperwork as needed?   That's just a step in a direction that gives you options if you choose to take them, when and if you want to.
I came into your "story/journey" around the time that that you and your partner were accompanying your daughter to school and you were stressed about how difficult that day was going to be with your partner.   Truly, I loved the turnaround that the dreaded things did not happen, and your partner rallied, and surprised you. It just reminded me...."You just never know".....Good days can happen, things can pivot an/ or come together and hope is renewed.   

Sorry that your partner is not functioning well right now....terrifying to be observing a decline like that. And about his estrangement with family, because it adds to the sense of aloneness and where is my place.
I wondered if this is a new thing for your partner or a place he shifts back and forth from. Also terrifying to be the one , then, who is holding things together for both of you (or so I imagine it would be) .     
My friend's ex threatens suicide and she calls the police for them to a wellness check. (It's happened at least twice)  Of course, they don't live together, anymore, so she takes the flack for that from a distance.   
I send you care and concern......   My thoughts are flooded with stories that your journey is  bringing to the surface.  Wishing you a surprise good event, day, or occurrence.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Square 

What a dilemma! It seems you are really stuck. Your husband seems on a downward spiral. Even if you stay. And he is behaving badly towards you.
How much of this does your daughter observe? Are you talking with her about your options? Does she have an opinion?

I don't know about you, but I am notoriously bad at telling other people about my difficulties, do you have any place where you could discuss your options? Financially, housing wise, mental care for your husband?

I so hope you find your documents when you look with your daughter. Would that be a good time to find out what she thinks about the whole thing?

Please keep your spirits up, do some mindfulness meditations when you feel overwhelmed. Check out Kristin Neff, I have found her very good.

Stay strong!

[Rebel13]

I am here with you in spirit as well square! I know how kind and level-headed you are from the great suggestions you give to others here. And I know how much harder it can feel when it is our own life we are struggling with.

I think we do not live in the same country so I don't want to give a lot of specific thoughts. I have several friends who have been/are in the situation of trying to get into housing with a low income, and I will just say, it's really difficult and scary, and I hope that helps validate that your feelings are super normal!

One thing that helps me with big changes that feel overwhelming, is to set one manageable task for the day for myself. "If I can just accomplish X today, that will be good enough." And then when I accomplish X, I try to tell myself at least "good job" or something even kinder, if I can manage it.    Sometimes, accomplishing one thing and being nice to myself gives me the energy to do another thing. Or sometimes I just need to rest. Please do take care of yourself the best you can through this, and I'm hoping really hard for you to get the safe, peaceful home that we all deserve!

[square]

Winter storm,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I will indeed be reminding myself to take it one step at a time. Tomorrow DD and I will look for the papers one last time. It would be HUGE if I could find them. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, etc.

All the papers are together in one folder, so it'll either be jackpot or goose egg. But if I strike out, I just have to focus on one task a day.

I like what you said about how I might be pleasantly surprised. Unfortunately, it really is a different scenario, as abandonment is his worst fear, plus he will have serious issues just surviving financially. But who knows what will happen. I'm going on a faith of sorts as it is.

The stuff with his mother goes way back, and I think he just doesn't even have enough bandwidth to run his own life any more, so he just does not want to deal with his mother at all. He used to just grit his teeth and make the absolute minimum required visits and calls, but he since he is drowning he just doesn't have anything left to handle other people's demands. I don't think his family would be of any real comfort to him, just another aggravation. I just do note that there could have been some financial help, but at what cost I don't know. At this point I'm sure the cost is way too high to open that door again.

I don't see my husband as being dramatic and threatening suicide. It's just a fact that it's an option for him, and he probably won't threaten it, just do it if it comes to that. He would not understand how it would affect me, as he sees me as cold and unfeeling. And of course I am making preparations to leave despite this risk. I just feel like I am literally throwing my life away and it's not helping either one of us. There's a chance i could be happy. There's even some chance he could be happy. Maybe he'll fall in love with someone and feel better. It's even possible things would go differently with a new person.

Thank you for your care, it means a lot to me.

[square]

NRITH,

Thank you so much for that hug!

It's true that the downward spiral is happening even as I apparently stay. I can't help him.

It's always tricky to see what our children see, isn't it? DD knows her dad is "crazy" (he himself labels himself as mentally ill, though I'm sure there are aspects he is totally unaware of). He does not target her, but she certainly does decline to ask anything of him knowing how he'll take even small requests for help or favors. They do have a relationship, though, and they both watch TV together every night and look forward to it.

Kids normalize what they live in, so it seems normal I guess that her parents have whatever relationship we have, which is a bizarre one.

The closest I've come to talking to her about the future is that I once said that I wanted to move out. She did seem struck by that, and not in a "yay" way. But it was a little seed and I planted it even if I haven't watered it since.

Do I have someone to talk to? The answer is, you guys. You guys are who I'm talking to. My mom is on my team but is not really someone I can talk through stuff with, but she's 100% in my corner.

I won't be telling my DD about the apartment until after I tell my husband, whenever that will be. My DD will not be comfortable keeping a secret. And I don't want her in the position where her father feels like she kept a secret for me and was on my "team" "against him." I have another reason I really need those documents, so it's no secret at all that I'm looking, even my husband knows. (Need my RealID by year end).

Anyone who wants to send luck, prayers, anything my way, send it directly to PO Box Square Finds Her Documents tomorrow (Saturday). Thank you.

[square]

Rebel,

Boy, you got it right about how it's different when it's you, lol. But I do remember that when I write to folks here, and am gobsmacked by the courage I see all the time here. It helps. And as I say, courage isn't the lack of fear, it's doing it anyway.

Agreed on task/project management. Tomorrow is just about finding the docs. If I fail, Sunday is about starting the process on the birth certificate. And also figuring out what Monday is about.

My issue with productivity is some part vision impairment, making everything SO MUCH HARDER, and some part just this limbo I live in to survive. When I think about being in an apartment, the two things I think about are 1) it's clean and 2) I can be productive. And the first item is definitely a factor in the second item.

I kind of feel like I'm out in the ocean. In the distance is land. It would be a huge effort to get there but of course I will try. BUT THERE ARE SHARKS BETWEEN ME AND THE LAND.

So of course I still have to try for land because otherwise I will drown out here. But it takes more courage to swim into the sharks than to just sort of hang out and wait and hope until I get too tired and it's too late and brrpppp. (Insert bubbles).

[SonofThunder]

" It's true that the downward spiral is happening even as I apparently stay. I can't help him."



He needs to be his own adult and so let the chips fall where he throws them.  You can do this Square! 

I am of the opinion that if we ever hear another human being talking about thoughts of suicide, we should call the police immediately and have them come pronto!  Conveyed thoughts of suicide can also be a tool that a PD puts on a non to comply/stay or to get others to massage their victimhood.  My PDw gave subtle suggestions to my children that "sometimes she thinks dying would be better than the divorce hell that SoT is putting her through 😩".  My adult kids didn't flinch and that was the last they heard of it. 🤣🤣

When the police get involved, it teaches the PD that 1. We care 2. We will not tolerate it alone.

If the thoughts were real, you will be glad you called the police! I would call up housing and tell them your situation and ask for advise on the paperwork!  Decent people enjoy helping others.

Power vibes being sent your way Square!

SoT 

[bloomie]

Square - You have offered so much of yourself to this marriage, your precious child, here in this community and I have to say I appreciate you so much and I am really happy for you that you are experiencing the possibility of options for YOUR future.

If you didn't find your docs... well, plan b and replace them. You need them for your life in general, so it is not a huge commitment getting them in order to anything other than having that taken care of. Whew! See... not anything to fret about. Just step one.

If you need more time to complete the application, ask for it making sure they understand the visual challenges you are facing. They will either say okay or no. Once submitted it is out of your hands if they approve or disapprove. There is relief in that and there is empowerment in moving forward and reaching for peace, order and opportunity for yourself.

In regard to your husband's spiraling... he has had a place to land that covers his excesses financially and your attempts to work around and with his poor behavior toward you. His mental health, financial health, his thoughts and where they go, his relationship with his FOO are his to figure out. I know you already know that, but I am saying it because it is always good to be reminded.

Your precious daughter is an adult and while she most likely will be disappointed and disconcerted my best guess is she is resilient and I know has your loving support and she will come to understand this is what you need to do for your health and wellbeing.

My best suggestion is do not allow yourself to go running ahead and catastrophizing over gathering documents and completing an application for a suitable place of your own. Steady as you go. One step at a time and know we are with you heart and soul cheering you on from this side of the screen! You matter so very much! Hugs!!!

[square]

FORM SUBMITTED.

Minus the birth certificate, which hopefully is being processed. I've also requested a second of what I believe are three documents that I lost, just one left to deal with.

Thank you all for your help on this. I really don't think I could have done it alone.

" It's true that the downward spiral is happening even as I apparently stay. I can't help him."



He needs to be his own adult and so let the chips fall where he throws them.  You can do this Square! 

I am of the opinion that if we ever hear another human being talking about thoughts of suicide, we should call the police immediately and have them come pronto!  Conveyed thoughts of suicide can also be a tool that a PD puts on a non to comply/stay or to get others to massage their victimhood.  My PDw gave subtle suggestions to my children that "sometimes she thinks dying would be better than the divorce hell that SoT is putting her through 😩".  My adult kids didn't flinch and that was the last they heard of it. 🤣🤣

When the police get involved, it teaches the PD that 1. We care 2. We will not tolerate it alone.

If the thoughts were real, you will be glad you called the police! I would call up housing and tell them your situation and ask for advise on the paperwork!  Decent people enjoy helping others.

Power vibes being sent your way Square!

SoT 

Thank you. Yes, I will call 911 if that comes up. I really hope it doesn't. He's never threatened before, but he's certainly thought about doing it, and I know it's been on his mind lately as well.

I wish he had any support at all other than me. But as a paranoid hermit, he has ended pretty much all relationships.

Square - You have offered so much of yourself to this marriage, your precious child, here in this community and I have to say I appreciate you so much and I am really happy for you that you are experiencing the possibility of options for YOUR future.

If you didn't find your docs... well, plan b and replace them. You need them for your life in general, so it is not a huge commitment getting them in order to anything other than having that taken care of. Whew! See... not anything to fret about. Just step one.

If you need more time to complete the application, ask for it making sure they understand the visual challenges you are facing. They will either say okay or no. Once submitted it is out of your hands if they approve or disapprove. There is relief in that and there is empowerment in moving forward and reaching for peace, order and opportunity for yourself.

In regard to your husband's spiraling... he has had a place to land that covers his excesses financially and your attempts to work around and with his poor behavior toward you. His mental health, financial health, his thoughts and where they go, his relationship with his FOO are his to figure out. I know you already know that, but I am saying it because it is always good to be reminded.

Your precious daughter is an adult and while she most likely will be disappointed and disconcerted my best guess is she is resilient and I know has your loving support and she will come to understand this is what you need to do for your health and wellbeing.

My best suggestion is do not allow yourself to go running ahead and catastrophizing over gathering documents and completing an application for a suitable place of your own. Steady as you go. One step at a time and know we are with you heart and soul cheering you on from this side of the screen! You matter so very much! Hugs!!!

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. Really appreciated.

It's true that H has gotten a lot of support over the years. If he had given even just some of that support back over the last 8 or 9 years, then he'd have more support going further. Instead, he drained the tank totally dry. I literally told him this some years ago, that I was running on fumes. He did eventually try harder to keep his raging under control but he did not refill the tank in any way, so here we are.

Thanks again.

[square]

Oh, I wanted to share a good update about DD.

Last year, you might remember she went to college a few hours away, but was not able to stay there and she came home.

She needed some time to choose a new future (it wasn't just the college itself that was a no go, but she realized the major she chose didn't lead her anywhere she was interested in going), and some time to sort things out emotionally.

She chose a career path in a med tech field, and spent time emotionally preparing for what she would need to do it, including sensory issues related to the job duties, nervousness about being able to do the studies, and nervousness about being able to do well on the job overall.

I'm really proud of her. She came up with a bunch of things. She made a plan for how to study, including choosing a notes app that would work with her learning style. She chose a series character in the medical field as a role model, and set up a way for this character to motivate her to work hard and do well. She practiced on a silicone model a job requirement that was triggering her, and worked to desensitize herself from other physical/sensory triggers.

She started her program a few weeks ago, and was initially very anxious and could not calm down even when home from class and all homework done. But she stuck with it, and pretty quickly realized that she was not only fine, but kicking ass academically. She realized she was honestly better equipped than her peers - she was shocked at how non-independent her fellow classmates were. She felt more confident as a result.

So now she tells me she has all As thus far in all her classes, and, even better, that she's not even stressed about it anymore.

She's not a super energetic or driven person, but she's decided that she will do all her homework on the day it's assigned (rather than due) because she enjoys the feeling of having everything done. So she has been doing just that.

She is super shy but forced herself to walk up to someone and make friends - it was successful, and they have already hung out off campus. She has been friendly with a few others as well.

She also had a little bad luck that kind of got her off to a slightly bad start with one professor. Instead of just feeling doomed, she made an effort to participate more in class and turned in a particularly engaging essay, and now the professor is clearly seeing her as a great student.

Anyway,  sorry for the novel, but I'm a proud mama and wanted to share.

[Poison Ivy]

Thanks for the update, square. Hurray for your daughter!

[winter storm]

So happy for your daughter, Square. Way to go, DD!    You gave her space to find a path, and supported her, way to go, Square.

[notrightinthehead]

Wonderful update. I am so happy for you!

[bloomie]

Wonderful update!

[SeaBreeze]

Very wonderful updates regarding your DD. Best of luck to her on this next chapter of her life!

And best of luck to you! It sounds like you are working through obstacles. I know you had posted concern about your H intercepting snail mail. Can you request online contact only (texts, emails, Zoom, etc?) It's been my experience after leaving ex-H that most things these post-Covid days (incluing my divorce) are handled primarily online. Just a thought, though again, it sounds like you've got this!!!

[Rebel13]

That's so great, square, for both of you! I know it's easier to take care of ourselves when our loved ones are doing well and taking care of THEIR needs.   

[SonofThunder]

Agree with all the others on a very lovely update for your DD!  In addition, way to go "FORM SUBMITTED" Square!  WootWoot!

SoT

[Rose1]

Great job with your daughter. She has learned her resilience from you.

Many years ago someone here told me this about suicide threats, which my ex was keen on to get attention. When all else failed. Because it worked so well.

He had left and I did not have him back so there were lots of insinuating around suicide, sometimes to his oldest d which was so not ok.

I was reminded that ex was threatening suicide. I was not threatening homicide. That despite what he said it was not my fault. I took advice and said I would call the medics if it happened again because this was far above my pay grade. He didn't do it again to me.

A couple of years later I heard my oldest d on the phone saying "I'm going to have to call an ambulance because this is more than I have the ability to cope with and you obviously need help".  She had heard me before and had said the same thing. I was so proud of her not going down that rabbit hole. He didn't do it to her again either but did complain a lot about "not being heard".

Now of course not all PDs use it as a threat and it's quite possible your h feels suicidal. It's also possible this happened long before you met him or his mental state is such that he is no longer thinking clearly. In any case, as much as we are made to feel blame, we are not. We are not the ones who caused the condition.

As an outsider looking in I wonder if the following has come up? Your h may be bad enough to be diagnosed with some sort of condition needing more care than you can possibly provide. Is it possible he may be the one that is required to leave the house and is there any sort of gov. support for this? It may become inevitable.