The next step.

[square]

Thank you PI, SoT, SeaBreeze, bloomie, Rebel, and Call Me Cordelia... and, wow, it feels so good to have so many standing with me at this time.

I seem to have perfected the art of compartmentalization. I said I was scared when I was informed that this may all be super imminent. But that passed quickly and my conscious mind is back to just living the same life. I do try to think about stuff to plan, but I don't seem to really think it's actually happening. Part of it is that I feel like there's nothing I can do until I have to do everything. I can't pack, can't find a mover, can't pick up boxes from the liquor store. Just pure holding pattern.

But an even weirder thing is that I've started having night terrors. If you're not familiar, it's a sleep disturbance that happens when you slip into unconscious sleep, and rather than dreaming you hallucinate something in your actual environment (eg bedroom). Maybe it's just a coincidence but I wonder if my unconscious mind is readying for this even while I consciously feel perfectly normal and detached from this situation. I've had to detach from so many things and live with so many things I couldn't really live with.

Along with compartmentalization, I'm now a Jedi Master of saying nothing. DD was saying how she has a friend who is dreading going home for Thanksgiving from college, and how she wishes our house was normal so the friend could crash with us. I did muse about how it actually is looking likely we could make that offer, and how shocked DD would be to know that. But it was no effort to restrain myself, I said all the expected things and didn't have any urge to blurt or even hint anything. I've practiced for years no longer telling H about myself, not even fairly big info. It was hard at first and now it's super easy to say nothing.

In my mind, I have a date for D-Day. I don't really know because it depends on the housing folks but I've mentally circled Wednesday, October 16 on my calendar. Probably it will end up being another day but that's the earliest. And after D-Day, there will be much work to do.

SoT, I will certainly keep the police escort in mind. But I'm positive I won't need it, not least because someone else will be there and I guarantee he won't even make an appearance.  He's a hermit and will hide from whoever is there.

I think the thing I need to make a plan for is times when DD is at school. He will want to talk (try to talk me out of it) and it could get heated. So I will think about some options to maybe be away during those times.

SeaBreeze, what were those first few days/weeks like for you emotionally?

Rebel, I'd be curious about your experience moving away from your mom, too.

I'm not really tapped into my feelings at all, but I do muse a lot about how I won't have to deal with the bizarre circumstances of living in this house for much longer. For example, I have to store a kitchen sponge on a plastic plate in my room and bring it downstairs to wash dishes, and bring it back up when I'm done. How weird is that? There's so many bizarre things, and I muse how much better my life will be when I can leave the damn sponge on the edge of the damn sink.

[square]

Great to hear from you, MaxedOut. You posted while I was writing.

Yes, I do see some overlaps in your situation and mine, and I'm glad we can sort of shine mirrors in each others' directions to get a bit of a glimpse from another angle.

I've had some thoughts bubbling to the surface that are relevant but have to work a little more to clarify them. Some of the things you said are related, like it not being a suicide pact.

I think what I've been chewing over is pretty simple but not easy - to break away from what is always HIS perspective, and to stand solidly in my own.

For example: he says I've destroyed the marriage.

But I didn't.

He did.

[square]

NRITH, I've added your helpful motto to my signature

[notrightinthehead]

This is exciting! We have a date now. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

As for what comes after - you know the stages of grief. When I left I was excited and numb at the same time. There were glimpses of hope but mostly I felt very little. And there was so much to organize and do, so many obstacles to overcome, I was busy, busy and had very little time to think or wonder how I feel.

[SeaBreeze]

SeaBreeze, what were those first few days/weeks like for you emotionally?

Square, notrightinthehead just
summed up what was very much my experience those first few months after leaving. But... Be prepared to "feel the feels", as my kids would say. In between handling logistics, I vacillated between auto-pilot, elation, guilt, panic, sadness. Eventually, those emotions levelled out to a sense of calm, leaving me, quite simply, at peace.

The advice I received here on Out of the FOG, and the advice I would share now with others -- is to ride those emotional waves out, "feel the feels", as the trauma bond dissolves and you adjust to a post-PD life of your own making, on your own terms. There will be good days, and bad days, but they are YOUR days to feel and do whatever the heck you want!

[SonofThunder]

SeaBreeze, what were those first few days/weeks like for you emotionally?

Square, notrightinthehead just
summed up what was very much my experience those first few months after leaving. But... Be prepared to "feel the feels", as my kids would say. In between handling logistics, I vacillated between auto-pilot, elation, guilt, panic, sadness. Eventually, those emotions levelled out to a sense of calm, leaving me, quite simply, at peace.

The advice I received here on Out of the FOG, and the advice I would share now with others -- is to ride those emotional waves out, "feel the feels", as the trauma bond dissolves and you adjust to a post-PD life of your own making, on your own terms. There will be good days, and bad days, but they are YOUR days to feel and do whatever the heck you want!

 

Same experience at the front end of my separation.

SoT

[escapingman]

You are doing great Square, I am rooting for you.

Sorry I am not writing much but this has been quite triggering for me taking me back to the time I finally left. But be prepared for the emotions to run high, I had night terrors for a year and the only way to stop them was to have a drink before bed. Not ideal but that's how it was. Now over 2 years after the split I am not thinking of uPDxw anymore other than when triggered or DD mention her. Life on the other side is so worth it and you will be here very soon!

[bloomie]

Square - following along. Here with you! Cheering you on from this side of the screen!

Wondering how many accommodations like the sponge, that have become routine, will fall away in the days ahead.

Love your new tagline! 

SAVE SQUARE

[square]

Thanks everyone. I guess that makes sense for what to expect after.

EM, I certainly don't want you feeling triggered, I know you're on my team and no need for you to read stuff that doesn't do you good.

Housing folks sent another form and I'm frustrated. They want documentation on DD's tuition, loans, and scholarships/grants.

I mean, are they going to deny me because the feds gave her a student loan or the state awarded her a grant? For a friggen community college?

I feel stuck. I asked DD for her loan amount before, for a different form. Gave her some vague lie that her dad might need it to fill out taxes. She sent me a screenshot of something and said it was all she could find. But it turns out to be not enough.

The taxes lie would likely fall apart quickly if I pushed it harder, she'd likely complain to her dad about whether he really needs it.

I called the school financial aid office, hating being That Parent. They said all the info was self serve online and the student (DD) had it. They said I'd have to get it through her.

I've forged DD's signature on a few documents, so don't want to tell the housing folks why I'm stuck.

UGHH. A rock and a hard place!

I need to come up with a reason for DD to give me the login so I can look myself. Gotta cook up a reason. I'm just really irritated, though. I know loans are "income" but ffs nothing is hitting our bank accounts, paying for gasoline or groceries, or affecting our ability to pay rent.

[square]

Lol, typing stuff out helps me think. I submitted this and got a little lightbulb over my head.

DD said last week she got an email notifying her of some state grant.

I just told her I was curious about it, could I get the login?

She said "ok but later." I may not have it yet but she bought it and I doubt she'll question it. If I asked her to give me the documents, she'd complain and probably to her dad too, but she'll just fork over the login later on and not care.

[Rebel13]

Look at you go! I love it when a plan comes together. 

SAVE SQUARE

[escapingman]

EM, I certainly don't want you feeling triggered, I know you're on my team and no need for you to read stuff that doesn't do you good.

I am still reading and cheering for you, but not writing so much. The trigger took me right back to when I left, I thought I had processed and moved on but apparently not completely. I also just saw pictures of what was supposed to be the family home for life, it was being completely remodelled and half of it was knocked down with all trees and plants dug up. I suppose that was meant to show me the fantasy, the old dream is dead, completely dead and there is no going back as there is nothing left. I am doing better now.

Good luck with sorting out all paperwork for your house, you got this!

[square]

My friends. I'm all in knots.

I got the phone call, I've been approved. But things are worse than I hoped for.

I got on the list last year, so I knew the rent might have gone up but I hoped either not or a really small amount. Last year I think they said around $912 monthly. My income is around $1650 so while $912 is a sweet deal you can see the stress. Well now it's $1.082. $170 is a lot of bite.

Next, I knew heat might not be included but I hoped. It was included in the apartment I rented before buying this house. Well, it's not included.

$568 after rent is not near enough to pay for heat/hot water, food for two, gasoline (for a student commuting 45 minutes each way), car insurance and maintenance, electricity, wifi which is not optional especially for a student, and incidentals like soap and ibuprofen and whatever.

I already knew it was impossible but it's really impossible.

The director of the program called me herself, and her phrasing was "I didn't want to deny your application." She also pointed out the obvious, that this would require draining my savings and the question was, then what.

I don't have a fallback. Going to live with my mom after DD graduates is not only unlikely (she is still independent but it's clear that road is going to run out soon) but I'd quickly be in a bigger pickle because she reverse mortgaged the house her mother gave her. Leaving me nothing and no option. Once she no longer lives there (nursing home or otherwise) the mortgage comes due and I have no chance of paying for it.

I have no inheritance, not one dollar, in my future. My parents owe me nothing but ffs they left their disabled daughter with nothing, after having burned through a lifetime of very nice earnings. All blown on going out to eat and shopping.

I don't see a way forward. Both doors in front of me are in flames.

The idea of staying here another two and a half years - NO. My life is slipping away. My vision is on its very last legs. I can't live in this horrible house. If the house was clean I could probably suffer with the rest, but there is no hope of that.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.

I think my current plan is this.

When H finishes the taxes, I'll tell him I got approved for an apartment and am looking at taking it. And dealing with all rhe fallout there.

And then, the key part, I'll talk to DD. I expect her to be very stressed and unhappy at first. But maybe she'll buy into it. Maybe we can do it together in a different way than if I just did it on my own.

I don't know, I just want to barf.

The director said there is a state program that helps with heating costs so there's that. But man. If there was any time I wished a magic 8 ball could really give answers.

I don't know how to pray and I don't see God as giving out tarot style answers. He will just love me while I live my life. And the teachings guide me to loving God and my brothers and sisters, but they are not guides to a safe or successful life.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Our Lord taught us to pray and He taught us God was our loving Father. He taught us to ask for our daily bread. He also taught us to ask and to trust that it would be given, that He would not be outdone in generosity. This is hard because obviously God is not a free vending machine either, but I do believe He cares AND He can lead you through.

That said, if you can get the apartment, even if you are draining your savings, remember you're draining it anyway by staying where you are. So it's not necessarily a hopeless move, because you are freeing up so many of your other internal resources and protecting other resources from sabotage. You are more likely to find a way when you are safer. My two cents anyway.

[MaxedOut]

This might all be old news but it sounds a bit like the news was overwhelming, so some thoughts (even thought you did not ask for advice-apologies if not helpful).

If you are in the US, Square:

• There is most likely free or subsidized internet access options you qualify for either through providers like comcast or Verizon or local or state government.
• Many community colleges have rapid-approval emergency scholarships DD may qualify to get that are designed for unexpected financial costs and such.
• You likely qualify for EBT and independent programs (in my area there are free CSA type produce boxes delivered for low-income people with disabilities in additions to stuff like food pantries).
• Low income and disability status may qualify you for free prepared meals from Meals on Wheels or similar
• Some states enacted and still have rental assistance and eviction prevention programs passed due to Covid

In general, good connectors/knowledge holders who may be relevant include DD's college scholarship office/success coaches/etc. (whoever helps keep students enrolled); health plan or health system's community health department and Medicare/Medicaid care coordinators; your state's disability resource office/association/coalition and local commission/association for the blind/visually impaired. I hope DD welcomes/warms to the idea, and is invested in a team approach.

[escapingman]

This looks like a difficult equation Square, but will make it work. I am not saying it will be easy but when you are out of the PD infested life you will thrive and get your bandwidth back. You seems intelligent enough and you will find a way to make it work.

I am so excited for you and that you will get your life back. Life starts when we are PD free!

[square]

I figured I would not sleep, but I slept. I woke up realizing that being $500 short per month is game over. And $500 short is a conservative estimate. So I can't do it.

And I just don't think I can live with that.

MaxedOut, you must be a social worker or something. Thank you for the list. I no doubt qualify income-wise for SNAP (my non-US friends, that benefit helps with groceries), but I understand there is a $2000 asset limit (including vehicle, I think, which is insane). But... it's possible my state has waived that limit. Hmm.

My state also has a heating assistance program. I believe we've been right around the qualifying level as it is, surely I'd qualify in a new two person household. My situation is such that even $50/month could make a difference.

If I could make even like $200/month somehow, that would make a difference. I screwed everything up. I used to have a 19th floor window office in midtown Manhattan. I used to manage a multinational team. I've gotten so, so small. I can't even bag groceries at the market or wash dishes at a restaurant.

And by the way, I never think about what I used to be or could have been because my husband has belittled it and it stopped being part of my identity years ago. Because he chose to beat his wife down instead of building her up. Now I really am nothing and have no hope for the future. I flushed it all away.

I can't leave.

But I can't stay. I can't even just sensibly wait 2.5 years for DD to finish her program and move out with her. I've already thrown my life away, I'm at the edge of losing EVERYTHING.

I have to talk to DD. I was thinking I would just decide and inform her. I wanted to take full responsibility. But there would be a difference if "we" did this. She would have to sacrifice to make it work, more than she is now (and she is).

She does express frustration about living here. She does have little fantasies about living elsewhere, like being able to have friends over. She mentioned today how she feels angry that her father just eats her cereal. (That I buy).

Maybe after initially freaking out about this idea, she might buy in.

I was told somebody would call me Tuesday to set up a walkthrough next week. After that, I either sign the lease or flush the dream down the toilet.

Sorry for my excessive word vomit. I can't talk to anyone and getting this out of my head is unfortunately necessary.

EM, I don't know how this will work, but I feel sure that if I can get out my focus could return.

DD is a factor, though, because if it were just me I know I could do it. I can eat beans and rice and just go without anything. But I can't make her live a full on Depression era life.

[bloomie]

square - do the next thing. Just the next step.

Talk with your dd and let her know what may lie ahead. Many college students can handle an academic load and working a part time job. Even a few hours a week could pay for her own gas and clothing, possibly her phone.

You sound like you have extensive experience and skills you can awaken within yourself given an opportunity to recover and gain some peaceful space. You will find an opportunity to earn when you are ready.

I screwed everything up. I used to have a 19th floor window office in midtown Manhattan. I used to manage a multinational team. I've gotten so, so small. I can't even bag groceries at the market or wash dishes at a restaurant.

As gently as I can I ask you to stop saying this over yourself. Please. Turn your focus forward and stop berating yourself. You have not thrown your life away! Our words are powerful. Speak life over yourself, speak peace over yourself, speak lovingly to your precious self.

As MaxedOut suggested... find every single resource available to you and apply for it. 

I believe with everything in me that God does hear and answer your prayers in His time and way. Step out in faith and trust. This is an open door.

Sending the strength of lions to you!

[square]

Thank you, bloomie.

I'm not beating myself up. I'm angry.

I do not like feeling resentful but here I am. I think it's a sin of pride.

But I think I'm just going to let myself be angry right now, because anger is fuel.

If I can get out of this, it will be a strong priority to get back into humility and gratitude.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry this is so hard, Square.  I'll keep you and DD in my prayers.

Is there a social services resource person who would know the system and be available to talk to free of charge?  Don't some of the agencies have that?