What's the worst thing your PD has done (that led to NC)?

Started by Stardust1982, December 02, 2020, 10:21:56 AM

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Amedee

Blacksheep and Hilltop ... yes.  I am many decades old, and still in the habit of reflexively scanning myself for what it is about me that's "wrong".  It's like a nut I can't crack - a riddle I can't solve.  But, by golly I'll figure it out!  It takes some real conscious effort to not do that.

blacksheep7

Quote from: Amedee on February 10, 2021, 10:00:07 AM
Blacksheep and Hilltop ... yes.  I am many decades old, and still in the habit of reflexively scanning myself for what it is about me that's "wrong".  It's like a nut I can't crack - a riddle I can't solve. But, by golly I'll figure it out!  It takes some real conscious effort to not do that.

Yes, you will figure it out!   Just start thinking of the way your parents labled you, never enough.

That is not who you are, that is how they built you to be, under their needs.

I have been through 30 years of intermittent T when needed, mostly for my toxic male relationships.

I can tell you that it is only since the years of NF death and NM taking over, bringing me to ptsd . was where the real  work started.  Nc in 2017. I went to the deep of my upbringing understanding that I   mostlly functionned under Fear, Obligation & Guilt, not what I wanted as a relationship with FOO of course.

This brought on  self-awarness of my habits in which old beliefs were tied to, not much self-worth and love for myself.  I've been living a life always filled with drama, in the negative.

I am still discovering the real me by letting go those past beliefs and giving me, myself & I self-care and attention I so much deserved. 

It is not an easy task so I understand you.  I now look to the postive parts of my personality and apply them.  ;)

I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

My New Life

Threatened to leave, when I was a child and she was mad at me. Traumatizing for any child but my father had left when I was 5 and I never saw him again, so my Fear of Abandonment was on hyper-drive.
Accused me of being a "selfish bitch" when I set non-enmeshment boundaries.
Told me I was responsible for destroying every one of her relationships with her family.
When my step-father was immobilized with Parkinson's Disease, and she was mad at me, she made him call me for help getting up, after he had fallen.  He was face-planted on the floor, in his own excrement, and she handed him the phone, because she was not speaking to me.  When my husband went to help my step-dad get up, and shower him, my mother screamed at my husband the entire time, verbally abusing him.
There are so many more.  It is truly death by 100,000 cuts.  When I finally went NC for good, there was no scene, no final straw, just a very sad realization there was no end in sight, and no way for me to live in the horror of it anymore.

zak

Yes totally death by 1000 cuts. Here's some of the worst cuts
* Stole my father's inheritance from me at age 19 saying she just needed it for 5 years and would give it back. Never did. Gave big sums to my older sibling and 2 of my 3 younger siblings but left me out. When I finally at age 32 demanded to know when she would give me my money, she screamed that I was a money grubbing bitch and there was nothing left to give me.
* When I told her my grandfather was a pedophile (I know she already knew this as elder sister told her when she was 16) all she said was 'So I'm to blame for that too am I?.
*Triangulated all siblings over and over destroying all relationships and never cared at all.
* Lost all of her money by her mid-70's and started hitting on me to financially help; went bankrupt; had to move into a rental. Never took any responsibility for any of it.
* Accepted an invitation to my home for Christmas; never told me she really intended to go to uBPD sister's place. I only found out when I called to offer her a lift and she finally owned up. Later was told she and sister were laughing about me on Christmas Day saying how funny it was that I was hurt.
* My younger brother was getting married in a town 4 hours away (we get on and are close); he asked me to bring uNPDM to the wedding and I agreed to do this and pay for her hotel. I call two nights before to organise to pick her up; she says " Oh don't bother, I'm getting a lift with uNPD brother (who no-one has seen for 15 years) and he's bringing me home after the wedding. I say mum, I have already made the arrangements and he's not invited to the wedding. She says ' He'll go to movie '. I say 'You know we've already paid for your hotel room right ?. She says 'Oh you'll get the money back somehow'. The day of the wedding dawns, by then we've changed plans to go early and stay for 3 nights in the area. M calls after we've left 'Your brother can't go, I need you to get me'. I say Mum we are halfway there already, I've cancelled your room and we're not coming back for 3 days. She get's angry and screeches 'Oh I'm not coming then'. I say 'Hold on I'll call brother and see if anyone else is coming and can get you'. She says 'NO DON'T do that on his wedding day" and hangs up in my ear. By this stage I'm upset and there is nothing I can do anyway. A short while later brother rings very angry, M has already called him after saying I shouldn't. He says   ' I understand you've told Mum she's an old nuisance and isn't wanted at the wedding' . I'm left trying to convince him that she's lied. The wedding is ruined for me. Mother ends up coming by train but refuses to speak to me.

Honestly I could go on and on. The final straw came suddenly and it was far from the worst thing that had happened, but in that moment the point of no return had been reached. I decided to reflect carefully for 6 weeks and sought counselling but my decision had been made. I have never heard from her again.

chowder

My mother had always triangulated my sister and me.   Played one against the other.  I never bought into it, but sister did.  Sister would invite parents to grandkids' events, not invite me.  Knowing full well I was not there, mother would then brag to me about how nice the affair was.
The last straw:  I was getting married.  No relationship with S, she was not invited.  M calls me, works on me to "extend the olive branch," and invite S, etc., etc.  My husband-to-be made the mistake of taking up her cause, and I relented.  Called S and invited her to my wedding.  Her reply:  "Well, thank you for giving me my laugh for the day!"
I hung up hysterical, knowing I had been set up.  M then called my aunt, her sister, and bragged about how glad she was that S had "put me in my place."
M knew exactly what I would be walking into, yet pushed me to do it.  She tried to continue her smear campaign with aunt, until finally aunt said, "I am going to call chowder myself to find out directly, because that is not the chowder that I know."
And aunt did exactly that.  I am continually thankful to aunt for standing on her own two feet.  She had grown up with M's triangulation, and saw right through it.
What kind of mother sets up her own daughter to be hurt, and then turns around and brags about it?!?

Morocha2015

The last straw straw for me was so comical yet horrifying I tried to forget about it immediately.

My N father, who has a pill addiction, drove by himself to Wyoming or Montana or somewhere remote for a job interview. He was high and driving in the middle of nowhere and wrecked. There was no cell reception and after some time a good samaritan found him and drove until there was cell reception to call for help. He was flown by helicopter to a hospital. He lied to the doctors, who pumped him full of morphine and then discharged him. During this time, my sister and I were on and off the phone with him and my HPD mother. HPD mom was hysterical the entire time. Everytime I talked to her she'd go on crazy tangents about how hard this was for her and I swear she was actively making it harder to get anything done. She told my sister and I we were no longer allowed to call our father. Good thing I disobeyed because I called him at his hotel and he was so inebriated I had to call the paramedics. A few days later my mother called me to tell me how terrible I was and how she had everything under control and I just made her and my father upset. At this moment I knew I could no longer tolerate the chaos.

It took me another year to officially break contact. The last time I spoke to her she told me I could pray away my daughter's deadly peanut allergy.

Leonor

Hello all,

ExGC of HPDm here NC with just about dang near everyone.

In meeting w/ me, my T, M and her T, spoke my truth. Shared. Explained. Forgave. Empathized. It felt amazing. It felt like I had transformed into the caring, safe adult I had desperately needed when I was a child. And I didn't feel hostile or afraid or sad "at" my m. I felt like I was able to cradle the injured little me in my arms, sense my second baby in my belly, *and* feel compassion for the brittle, empty, and cruel woman in front of me. When I had first started therapy, I was living as a multiple. And here I was, not only whole but beyond whole.

After almost two hours, her T turned to me. Leonor, can you imagine a relationship with your mom if she does not acknowledge the abuse? Because she doesn't remember it.

I said No. I couldn't defend her anymore. I couldn't deny what she had done, what had happened to me. I was going to give up the one person I had always believed I needed in order to survive, who had given my life any real meaning. The problem was, it had been *her* meaning.

And look where that had gotten us. Five marriages broken between my two parents. Generations of addiction and abuse. Chaos for step children strewn about like used paper plates. And me, the perfect child, begging my t to put me in a psychiatric ward.

When m heard me say, No, she didn't blink. Well, I guess we have nothing left to talk about then, she said. She got up and walked out of the room.

That was 12 years ago. I don't have that same sensation of clarity and connection; I think I needed to experience it in that moment, but I had so much healing left to do, so much work (see: PD In-laws!) I still have work to do and I'm still in t and at times I still struggle with severe, dissociative flashbacks.

I did take a giant step that day, because the cruel trick pd parents play on the GC is the myth that they can make it all better. "We have such a special relationship," or "You deal with her, she'll listen to you" kind of crap. So I had healed in part hoping to heal my foo. Like, if I figure this out, then I can show you that healing is possible, we don't have to do this anymore, we can say yeah that was bad *and* still have a holiday dinner or something. I can go tell it on the mountain and we will all join hands and sing kumbaya!

That day was the wakeup call. They were not going to get better. I was going to become the scapegoat. It was her or me, and it made me sad, because she was mean spirited and crazy but also charming and fun and freaking brilliant and beautiful, and her whole soul had been sucked out by her sick parents.

I didn't get how bad I really had it until at a swimming lesson with my first grader. I was sitting with his three year old brother nearby. All of a sudden I hear my older chd say, I'm not having a good time. I want to go be with my family. And he got up out of the water and came to sit by us.

I was shocked, because I couldn't conceive of not only seeking refuge with one's family, but wanting to go be with them. What kid actually *wants* to be with their family? I wondered. He must be having an awful time.

But really he was just nervous about closing his eyes in the water.

GettingOOTF

Leonor I have always felt it was more damaging to be the GC than the SC. We SCs learn at an early age that we can't depend on our parents. I look at my GC sibling and see how they didn't build many adult skills as they had no need to because everything was taken care of for them. I have always had to rely on myself. That comes with its own issues but I've always been very self sufficient.

No discard is pleasant but I think it's that much more wrenching for the GC as it seemingly comes out of the blue and destroys their entire view of who they are and how they fit in to the world.

Nominuke

My childhood was littered with abuse and traumatic events. My Ndad has done so many things it's hard to pick just one. I'm sure there are many things that I don't remember at all (thankfully).

Every now and then a memory will surface.

One particular incident I've recently remembered is Ndad beating my pet rabbit to death with a piece of wood in front of 11 year old me because I wasn't looking after it properly.

Actually when I look back I'm amazed I stayed in contact with him for as long as I did, and didn't just go NC with him the moment I became an adult.


Jade63

Death by a 1000 paper cuts seems to be the common cause.

The incident that lead to my NC? My M sent me a letter which ended in "if you can't be a better daughter, then don't contact me." So I didn't. That was 6 years ago.

It was my Get Out of Jail Free card.

~Jade



theonetoblame

Mine was simple.

One day in my mid 30's I attempted to have a conversation with mother about some abusive events that occurred in my childhood. She denied it ever happened, even after 25 years or so of us having, what I understood, was an implicit understanding and acknowledgement of events. This has included a couple tearful conversations over the years. Something had flipped for her, she then recruited father and they stonewalled me.

Truth be told, I sort of lost it...! I sent a few angry letters and threatened legal action and assault charge for events that were so obviously illegal. Then, as I finally settled down, I walked away. 5 years later she died. I expect that father blames me, after all, mother was never responsible for her abusive behavior to me. To father, then enabler, I was always the one to blame. That is, when he wasn't yelling, dominating, forcing me to work as a young teen in a brutal labor job in his company etc. 

Hazel Eyes

#72
Death by 1000 papercuts is also what happened to me. By cut 1001, I was done. It never ends with these types of people. The best thing anyone can do in these kinds of family dynamics is give themselves the freedom of NC. It is rough in the beginning but worth it in the long run.