New year new me 2

[Gettintired76]

Ok hhaw, short version as in what I know, firstly there is a custody agreement in place for my son 50/50, I am on the birth certs for the girls but now agreement because I lived with them their entire lives, the allegations are as follows against me that I alienated them against their mother and stepfather, and that my sisters hit them, allegations against her and stepdad, they are sexually explicit in front of the kids, he hung ( you read that right) hung my 11 yr old autistic daughter, he drinks and drives and while driving on a suspended license with the kids in the car, he is verbally abusive to all three kids, and finally, they have admitted to saying things about me and the kids family, there is a 36 page text he sent to their grandmother that is deplorable that in it he admits he told the kids exactly what he was saying, and my ex has said " the kids now know the "real" you." My ex in the past has had the nasty habit of running around nude in front of our son, and it is alleged that she allows her new hubby to do likewise, and finally my daughters (mainly the 11 yr old) have been displaying signs of sexual abuse.

[hhaw]

OK.

More questions bc I'm confused.

I don't understand why you don't have shared custody of the girls too. 

Why haven't you been enforcing the shared custody agreement through the courts from the beginning.

  Has your ex been denying you access to your son?  I guess so, since you're on this board....I'm just trying to understand what's going on and what documentation you have to base your case on.

Why isn't there a visitation order in place for all minor children?

Do you have a living arrangement where you can live with the children?  Is that a problem for you now?

[square]

This is helpful, hhaw.

GR, allegations against your sisters are not allegations against you, unless the allegation is that you knew about and condoned the hitting, and permitted it to recur.

[Gettintired76]

I know my sister had swatted my daughter on the bottom but did not allow it to recur and my sister had actually agreed with and received advice from me and others and had been working wonderfully with my daughter up until my ex took her back. As for the custody that is a long story....I fought with her for the entirety of the children's lives to establish my rights and she would refuse or set it up then cancel at the last minute. It took eleven yrs and the State pushing it for my son to get man and me to get any type of custody of him, and another 4 yrs for it to be filed. She and honestly the state we lived in had me convinced I had no power to enforce anything without her compliance.

[hhaw]

OK:

I understand why the attorney was frustrated and I want you to know this isn't a criticism. This is just a heads up..... I can make neither heads nor tails from the information you wrote, G.

You didn't answer all the questions.

It seems you still don't understand what your rights are and I understand that. I was run around the bush by a civil attorney pretenting to practice family law once upon  time.  Each attorney I hired from that point had something different to say and they all dropped the ball in at least one way, typically many many many ways. 

Here's the thing....the laws are fairly straight forward, but attorneys "interpret" them in their own ways, often twisting them beyond identification.

I'm wondering if there's not a message board in your State for custody and visitation suits and information. 

From my own experiences, the courts want to split the baby down the middle, give each parent something to gripe about, make sure no one is happy, nudity only matters IF there's sexual abuse involved and parent's failure to communicate about medications matters to some Judges A LOT.  Some Judges don't care much about safety issues..... seatbelts, child seats, etc and some do.  An older male white Judge actually threw our children's T off the stand when she kept laying out the safety issues she identified against my PDs....... and then that Judge threw out all the laws and rules and oaths he took and ruled against me.

It was shocking, BUT my attorney made sure to put everything that Judge failed to do and wasn't supposed to do was read INTO the Court record so we'd win on Appeal and the Judge would have egg on his face when it happened. Judges hate to be reversed on Appeal. They hate it.  In this case, our Judge reversed himself very quickly, I suspect his very pregnant file clerk forced him, but that's just a hunch.  In any case, he reverseed himself then forced demanded we try the case again, which was expensive and gave the PDs a chance to hire an expert witness to refute the children's T, who was a terrible witness on the stand, but also hated by the Judge bc he hated me and was actually trying the PD's case FOR them.....it was kind of crazy, but sometimes things go that way. Judges are human.  GALs are human.  Court Appointed Ts are human and they tend to be jaded, overwhelmed and sometimes very bitter creatures. 

They don't know who to believe, so it's up to us to spell things out and make sense of them.  Never get caught saying something you can't back up with evidence and keep things as simple as you can.

I wish you luck

[Gettintired76]

That's what I don't get? What was not to understand, she and the state we lived in made it clear I could not enforce custody unles she agreed ands she me er would I fought with her obverse it for  the entire time my children have been alive. Please tell me what about that statement is hard to understand?

[Gettintired76]

I apologize I wasn't trying be angry I'm not I'm trying to figure out how I can be more clear and I did answer all the questions or thought I did

[Gettintired76]

I reread my post some of it was typos, and that's not how I spoke to the attorney but it's hard to speak to someone about anything when they flap their hands at you and cut you off after 2 words. But anyway I am trying to get everything in order and get through this. But I'm starting to feel like just giving up because most of what she did I have no proof of and what I do have proof of obviously isn't going to matter in court, I just don't know what to do anymore. As for my son she (andI have texts proving this) swore the papers we signed in court were not what they ultimately turned out to be. And I didn't find out until four years later what custody I did actually have of him. And the court convinced me when we were addressing my sons situation that nothing needed to be done with the girls because we lived together. I have since then been pushing for the enforcement of my rights.

[hhaw]

That's the best you can do, G and all you should expect from yourself.

I'm sure you've always done your best, as have we all.

Asking the court for clarity and any other relief you can get sounds like a good idea. You're doing that.

The question I asked and didn't see you answer was about your current housing situation and if it's set up to have visits or custody of the children. 

I don't think you understand what happened with the legals and that's part of the reason you're having trouble explaining it.

The court might explain the legals to you at the hearing and you should ask for everything you feel will benefit your children.... you don't know what the court will do,but you can depend on your ex to be who she is.

IF you give up now..... who will your children have to protect them?

[Gettintired76]

I'm not giving up, I'm just so overwhelmed, I started having chest pains and waking up with massive headaches acouple weeks ago, The housing situation right now is I am living with my mother until I can get a place of my own hopefully with my refund, but no there's not really enough room for the kids here.

[blunk]

I may be mistaken here, and if I am please disregard...I think the confusion may be that GettinTired76 and the children's mother were never married. Hhaw has asked about the custody agreement, but since there was no divorce, there is also no custody agreement.

[hhaw]

blunk:

I think you're right and I'm not trying to put more pressure on G. I want him to practice making sense of his evidece and putting forth a story people can make sense of before he goes to court.  The best thing my next to last civil attorney did for me was press me so I proved my case to her.....bc she constantly threatened to abandon or sabotage me and it was truly motivational, meant I pulled together my evidence, found a way to make sense of it as she ignored me just before trial and refused to help with trial prep UNTIL I pulled all my evidence together and made it easy for her to leaf through and find things.

I'm not saying it was good for my mental health. I'm saying her tactics shot me full of adrenaline and motivated me to do everything I possibly could to help myself.... and then....and usually after she'd broken and rendered me feeling powerles, did she pull up a chair to strategize and help me finish trial prep, mark exhibits and discuss all the positive things my case had going for it. 

I don't want to take G apart like that.... I would NEVER DO that to him, but  I want him to be as prepared as he can be for the upcoming hearing so his children have a better shot at getting the protections and visitation or change in custody or SOME kind of custody arrangement that benefits them.   If I don't understand the case, then it's hoped G DOES.  If G doesn't, it's hoped discusions like this one will help him nail down his case, understand his rights and line up his evidence to support the statutes he's counting on.  He needs to understand and talk about it so his listeners can follow and square it up.... it has to make sense.

G:  You're body is buckling undr the stress and pressure..... mine did too.  So many odd thing pop up.  So many unexpected symtpoms and distressing physical pains....... and they can feel like heart attacks, keep you on the floor, unable to get up.... fight or flight, freeze or fawn survival brain actually believes a danger, like a real TIGER, is chasing us!!   Our bodies are REACTING like there's a tiger chasing us!  That's a huge biochemical hijack in your system you CAN'T possibly think your way ot of. The more you try, the deeper you sink into the hijack, IME.  I'm writing this to give you hope, not knock the hope out of you and I'll try to explain better so you can make sense of what I'm telling you.... things I wish I could have understood when I was headed into court,  but didn't understand. 

Years after my court battles ended,  my trauma informed T taught me different ways to calm myself down.... breathing strategies was the first one.

Begin by settling yourself comfortably in a chair, sofa or on the floor, eyes closed, breathe in 10X, slowly, thru your nose, filling lungs from bottom to the top...like a vase.  Think about where you have  distress/pain in the body, then breathe again 10X same way .  Check your body/distress again..... find it.... put your hands on it..... usually it's in the chest, stomach or throat area.... sometimes the back in my case.

Name the pain/pressure... sharp?  Throbbing?  Burning?  Give it a number from 1-10 for intensity.

Again, Breathe 10X while focusing on the pain, just breathe slowly in thru your nose, bottom of lungs to the top. 

If it improves..... repeat the breathing excercise until the pain is gone or stops improving.  Once it's gone, open your eyes and notice the shapes and colors around you.  Take them in and continue breathing.  Notice the sounds and smells next.  Notice the cushion you're seated on... the space around you, beside and above and below you.  Breathe into that space and notice the space all the say into the universe..... vast and large... so much spaciousness. 

If the breathing doesn't help at all, focus on a part of your body that's feeling nuetral to you and go through the breathing process again.....

Breathe 10X focused on the neutral part of your body (Shins? Knees?)

check your pain

continue if things get better

If they don't improve, go push on a doorjamb with everything you have.... just push an breathe and PUSH.  Survial brain wants to ACT and escape the danger.....survival brain believes there's a tiger chasing it...for real, so PUSH and DO so the survival brain can calm down then....

try the breathing bottom to top of lungs 10X again.

Focus on the pain in your body.  Put your hands on it. Name it.  Give it a number.... yes, we're back to that, but it takes practice and hearing the same things again and again for them to become familiar, then possible, then to practice them and discover the unexpected relief they can provide, IME. 

Breathe 10X then check the pain again and often you'll find the pain gets better or goes away completely.  This was my experience. 

Sometimes it helps to picture breathing spaciousness around the pain, creating more space around it, expanding space...I picture pink cotton going into that space.

My T says this is unhooking the wires to the fight or flight survival brain which makes it possible to access higher brain functions again....logic, reason and creative problem solving skills which we all need very much when we have the least access to them in these situation.

A little more information to make sense of this...... if our brain thinks it sees a tiger in the jungle, it shuts down access to higher brain function/frontal lobe processing bc higher brain wants to make sure there's a tiger....wants to process the information around us.

Survival brain is primitive and REACTS to get us away from the danger. If you've ever been walking and thoght you saw a snake,notice you'll find you've moved many yards down the trail before you discover there was no snake...it was just a stick appearing like a snake.  Now the amygdala has been activated,  one is already shifted into fight or flight mode and reason, discernment and creative problem solving skills have left us. 

To get out of fight or flight we have to sneak up under it, activate the part of our body responsible for shutting off fight or flight, the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PSNS) 

It's OK to be overwhelmed but it's OK to understand you can cultivate practices to gain control over your emotions, expand your window of resilience and regain access to your frontal cortex after you've lost it.

Starting the morning out by ending your shower with water as cold as you can take for as long as you can stand will engage your PSNV.

Splashing cold water on the face helps.

Humming helps.... humming has always been a coping strategy my body defaulted to well before I understood it was a coping strategy to engage PSNV.  Our bodies are very wise.

Gargling deeply helps.

Pushing on doorjambs, walking backwards around a trash can, kissing the earth with slow mindful steps...... sitting in nature, figuring out our happy place........ if our brains think of a place and focus on it..... bring sights and sounds and smells and texture to the thoughts...... our brains are tricked into believing we're actually IN that place whether it's the beach, a meadow, a room, a bathtub, a pond, a moss covered forest..... our minds can be tricked into believing we're actually THERE.

For me, it took many sessions for me to discover my happy place, bc the trauma was so IN MY FACE.... felt so PRESENT.... every thought lead back to the trauma or some loss associated with anything happy I could think of.

Finally finally finally I sat with the task of discovering my happy place until I found it in the form of a big lush garden I'd cultivated when single and when my youngest dd was a baby. I had nothing but good associations around THAT..... walking outside, going through the door onto the wood deck, into the yard... noticing the grass, the sound of the summer insects, smelling the big lush tomato plants before I arrived at the garden.... touching the plants, picking up a basket and harvesting ripe warm tomatoes for the people I loved at that time........ noticing the texture of the tomato vines.... the lovely green smell of them...... noticing the blue sky above and fluffy clouds...... feeling the dirt with my hands feet, wiggling my toes in it...... tending to the vines... tying them up with cotton strips..... you get the picture.

Find your happy place, G and spend time going there....... see what calming strategies might work best for you. 

If nothing works at all.... try crossing your arms over your chest and gently patting your collar bones, like you're calming a baby.

Be super gentle with yourself..... cultivate tsuamis of self compassion.

Drop all judgements around EVERYTHING, inclluding the court hearing.  Just pay attention to what comes up around it.  Whatever comes up..... tend to it like you're tending to a child and continue to not judge.... just be very curious about it.

And breathe, G....... breathe until you notice you're doing it without thinking....... so you notice you're doing it in traffic or sitting on the sofa thinking about what you have to do that day..... breathe and know you're putting new brain pathways in place.  The more you tend to them, the stronger they'll get.

Not gonna lie..... changing our brain's default setting's takes energy and time and consistent practice..... we're practicing our entire lives.  Elderly monks never stop practicing..... we're all practicing.

If you continue practicing you'll notice some amazing and unexpected changes happen for you.  Hopefully you'll get visitation and custody figured out and have access to your children again soon.

Everything you're learning...... how to do what you can then put the story on the shelf and focus on joyful things
INSTEAD of WORRY WORRY WORRY coping strategies that break us down and make us sick.....
you can model for your children. 

You can research healthy boundaries and how to enforce those boundaries, G.... then learn, model and teach them to the kids.

Teaching is the next step in learning, so this is the perfect time for you to begin....while the children have a window of opportunity to learn healthier family dynamics....before they're seekign out mates and forming families of their own.

You CAN impact their lives, and your own, positively.  Anyone can and.  This is hopeful and something for you to think about when you have racing mind syndrome worry worry worrying without being able to escape it.

Practive sitting the worry down, physically putting THE COURT STUFF on a shelf and turning towards whatever appeals to you..... something I've mentioned OR something personal to you......but you're creating spaciousness AROUND the stress.

You're creating spaciousness to get your nose off the pebble of the court stuff, in this case.  When our nose is ON a pebble of worry, the pebble is EVERYTHING, taking up all our vision and attention and we can't get any perspective to notice the other pebbles, the trees, the rivers and brooks and dirt and grass.

The tecniques listed above are just some you can try out to create enough spaciousness to get our nost OFF your pebble and SEE it's just a pebble among many other pebbles...... you don't have to live with your nose glued to a PD pebble.

Part of your PD's strength is her ability to frighten and terrorize you INTO fight or flight survival brain mode..... and your ability to calm yourself down is a defense to her terror.

So breathing.........
patting your collar bones arms crossed over your chest, like soothing a baby...
noticing your body sensations and breathing into them......
pushing on door jambs.....
cold water at the end of a shower.......
finding and visiting your happy place.......
walking backwards around a trash can very slowly, focusing on your breathing......
walking very slowly into nature...... feeling your heel hit, then your toe.... pretending you're kissing the earth with each touch....

Something here should appeal more than others and so you just begin....

drop all judgment

give yourself tons of self compassion

get very curious about your thoughts and what you're doing... what others are doing and saying..... don't judge anymore at all

when you forget something, oh well..... notice it, forgive yourself and go back to focusing on what you'd like to focus on

When you're in the courthouse, make sure you take some time to sit somewhere private and go through whatever calming tactics you can manage.  Focus on a neutral part of your body, maybe?  Breathe into it. It's pretty simple and doesn't require much focus, IME.

  Law enforcement agents are taught tactical breathing..... breathe in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds during times of stress and fire fights, etc.  Whatever works for you..... practice it, but try some of the things from above and see how they feel.

Whatever your situation is..... it's better than your children living wiith an abusive man without any protections at all, IME.  I was made afraid about how my children's beds were made during our custody stuff.... and it didn't really matter.

If a check is made to your residence by DFCS, all they're really looking for is if there's food in the fridge, is there a place for the children to do homework and play, do they have a safe place to sleep?  All the children don't need their own bedroom to be considered safe, IME.  Get creative with sleeping arrangements but have answers, the best you can, and present them calmly, like you're talking to an anxious bird, and keep it just that simple........ so simple. Just the hamburger, not the bun or condiments or veggies, right?

Word things so a small child can understand.... that means you're clarifying all your thoughts and evidence and stories down to the simplest form....... then stop talking.  The more you write this out, the more you practice in front of a mirror.....the more you learn to bring yourself BACK to the hamburger and present moment the better chance you have of being understood,IME.

And you remaining level and calm in the courtroom will likely drive your PD bathshot crazy, IME.  You're PD is depending on unhinging you with her lies and stories and chaos manufacture... all the confusion she's managed to create over the years.

Think how much power you'll have over yourself, the PD and the Court hearing IF you master yourself and your thoughts and stay calm.... at least appear calm, even if you aren't. I know it's difficult. I know you'll hear things that make you want to drop your jaw, shake yuor head and point to the PD as the liar she is, but you have to keep your face straight, make notes about dealing with what she just said and put your hands on any documents you have to refute her story.

Rinse and repeat.

By virtue of remaining level and calm, not finger pointing or name calling.... you already appear more stable than your ex.

If you always remember to speak about her with compassion....... you'll avoid appearing like an angry ex trying to make his ex look bad while she's doing and saying everything she can to make you look bad and punish you.... the Judge will likely take note of this and give your words more weight, IME.

If you always go back to the children's best interests.... again and again, without getting upset.... you will show the Judge what your priority IS.  Your PD will do what she's always done and it's up to you to SHOW the court who you are, not let the PD narrative unhinge you so you appear like the person she says you are.

Often, when things don't look great for the PD, the PD will become very angry at the judge or you and that usually works in your favor as long as you aren't gloating or getting upset back.... just stay calm and keep making notes.... keep looking at whatever you brought to remind you what your missions.

Have a note with your mission statement:
Speak calmly, like you're addressing a child
Give only the burger,never the bun then stop talking. I had a bracelet I touched to remind me and bring me back to the mission.  Speak slow and calm, just the hamburger and stop talking.  Short and sweet.  Stop.
Alwas treat stupid or offensive questions or statements as an opportunity to educate.  Be kind, helpful and compassionate to everyone in that coutroom, G.
Once you become snarky or defensive you're losing your Judge, likely.  If you need a break you can ask for one....respectfully.  It's OK to ask for water or for a bathroom break. You'll get 10 minutes and you should use them wisely.... happy place or focus on the neutral part of your body but you breathe yourself calm and maybe choose a bathroom on another floor of the courthoue so the ex's husband isn't following you into the bathroom and upsetting you when it's imperative you find your center and calm yourself. 

You can go to the courthouse early or several days ahead and map out the courtroom you'll be in, where several bathrooms are, where the cafeteria is, bc you might end up having lunch in the middle of your hearing...... just don't sit near the PDs.  Maybe grab something and go to a quiet spot outside or on another floor..... you'll only have a half an hour, so make the most of it.  Regroup, nourish yourself, drink plenty of water, if you can bring a bottle of water intot he courtroom, do so.  They won';t allow anything but water, likely. 

When the bailiff asks you why you're there, tell him you're on the docket, give your name.  He'll have you sit somewhere in the courtroom, waiting for your turn OR he'll have you wait outside the courtroom.... just do as he asks and stay busy with your notes or calming strategies.  You're enough, G.  You can make yourself safe, even when the PDs are nearby.  Just avoid any eye contact at all..... I once smiled and waved to opposing counsel... I didn't even see the PDs staning nearby and so the story became me gloating and smiling and waving AT the PDs instead of the truth.... I was just out of my mind nervous and hurrying to the Courtroom and not at all prepared to find myself face to face with the PDs........ like I said, I didn't even SEE them, just their attorney, so be prepared to see the PDs.  Be prepared to ignore their glaring at you, or saying terrible things under their breath to you or out loud to you and make sure you head to a bathroom on a different floor so you aren't further freaked out or startled or triggered in the bathroom. 

There's no one policing the hallways or bathrooms and opposing litigants end up close to each other, face to face in bathrooms IF they aren't thinking ahead and being proactive.  Be aware of your surroundings.  Have something in your hands to focus on.  If you make eye contact, accidentally, just nod and look away or look away with zero emotion. 

You won't have many jobs when you're in the courtroom, but staying level and calm is at the top of your list.

When you're case is up, you'll go to whichever table the bailiff points you to.  Bring all your evidence, likely in boxes with lids, settle them, settle yourself, have your water and notepad and pen ready. A folder to put copies of any evidence you place into the court record..... one to the court, one to you and one to the PD or her attorney.  Make notes about it on the file folder you place it in. 

Place evidence your ex instroduces into the record IN that file as well or have a second file folder for that.  Make notes about each piece of evidence.

it is hoped you can produce enough evidence to show the Judge you are always telling the truth while the PD isn't producing any evidence to back up her crazy stories, over and over again.   Try to form your story around the evidence you have.  It really helps keep your story clear and simple....... to show the Judge you're a truth teller. 

That's why you allege what you can prove....... and I don't know how you prove what the DCFS case worker discovers.  i don't know how you prove what a child said was done to her, but you can get affidavits signed and notarized by witnesses or people who have information that will help your case IF witnesses aren't going to be called.   You can speak to a domestic violence organization or several of them and find out what you CAN do.  Get ideas. You can bring a domestic violence advocate WITH you to the hearing and they'll help shield you, steer you, keep you on track and aware of your rights.

I know this bc my PDs brought one with them to one of the last days of one of the trials..... and that lady was all over me. She actually made something up and told the judge I'd done something... she was fierce and I wish that for you too....it never occurred to me to go to the domestic violence groups or ask for that kind of help, bc I was too freaked out and unable to problem solve very well, but you can DO that for yourself now.   I took a class on handling a divorce better for the children's sake,but I don't recall resources being easy to find.  FIND yours.  Ask for help and advice and what usually happens in these caess like yours and ask about your Judge and can you have someone attend your hearing WITH you? 

You can have any supporters who help you stay level attend that hearing with you.... just make sure they're not going to get upset or draw negative attention or upset you in the courtroom. 

But breathe and remember the mission.  Maybe take a photo of your children with you to remind you what you;re fighting for and stick with the burger the burger the burger. It's for the kids the kids the kids.  Breathe, breathe breathe... tecnical breathing, like law enforcement agents under fire.

You do your best then put the story on the shelf and release the outcome.  Suspect expectation and you'll notice you have more clarity, more choice, more ability to see the entire picture...nose off the pebble.

That's a lot, but I wish someone had put all that down for me 15 years ago and explained it.

I wish you the best possible outcome for you and your childre, G

[Gettintired76]

Your right Blunk however a custody agreement was drawn up and filed for my son she's just ignoring it. And thank you very much your advice does help a lot h.

[Gettintired76]

I had a very enlightening conversation with my daughter's GAL today, they may very well be escalating my daughters case to an abuse and neglect case. Seems my ex thinks she can disregard a court order on a whim.

[square]

I'm liking the GAL.

[hhaw]

What court order is that, G?

[Gettintired76]

They had ordered that my daughter be psychologically evaluated, my ex skipped the court appointed appointment.

[Gettintired76]

It's actually the county my ex lives in's CPS that is pissed at her and wanting to escalate the GAL just happens to agree

[hhaw]

It appears your ex isn't even trying to fool court officers at this point.

Let's see how that works for her.

[Gettintired76]

My thought exactly but again self sabotage has always been a big thing with her, (observation) so she can sit back and complain about how awful things are and how everyone is after her. Eh*shrugs